Widow

a lot of widows feel they have betrayed their spouse by continuing to live

How long do I use that as my relationship status?

That question just hit me.

sometimes allowing ourself to cry is the scariest thing

I do a lot of surveys. And that is always one of the questions.

sacred tears and what they say

I may have to look into that. I know they used to wear black for a year.

It’s been two years.

What am I now?

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Dear God,

OMG I am sitting here in tears…………………..

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

I know it has been almost 3 years since our cancer journey began and over a year since he died, but I’m still not real happy with You yet. It may take me awhile. You can’t get mad about that. You made me this way. Deal with it.

I was looking at a photo last night. I keep it on the head of my bed. He was so healthy. And handsome. And loving. And fun. And OMG that body. And my other half. Neither of us were complete without the other.

Nick at the dells 1994

And we became more inseparable as the years went on. Sure we broke up more than once only to get back together again. Remember ‘each other’s other half’ thing? We simply could not live apart. You must have had some kind of plan for us, right? Otherwise his first two marriages and other relationships would have lasted longer than…

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I may need to change the name…

Some of this is so difficult to read……

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

…..to MY journey thru recovery. I’ve barely started.

The moment  you left me

I miss Nick. Desperately. I always will. We were the other half of each other. So incomplete when we were alone. Even when we were fighting and broke up…only to get back together.

Will I ever find a love like that again? That intense? That frustrating? That fulfilling?

Will I have that kind of friendship? I don’t know. I’d like to find out……but on my terms. I find myself thinking “I gotta tell Nick about this when I get……home.” There are times when this hits me like a brick wall and I simply cannot breathe.

And yet, I’m finding being alone…..isn’t so bad at times, because right now I have so much to do, it’s keeping me busy. As long as I stay busy, I’m OK.  Maybe I’ll make it thru this……

But when it’s dark out, and I can no longer…

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Days, evenings, and nights

I still crawl into bed and night alone.

…and miss him………..

Welcome to my little corner of the institution...

Days … I do alright most of the day. I have my job and phones, co-workers and customers that keep me occupied. Some want to tell me they are sorry for my loss. And during the day I can take it. We chat a bit about Nick and they go on their way. I go back to work and think about what they’ve said, look at our photo on my desk.

And miss him.

Evenings … I have so many things to do to get my house back in order after 8 months of not being able to do MY stuff. I was so focused on caring for Nick that my house is a disaster. I’m getting 3 new windows installed today so I have no CHOICE but to get the dining room done tonight. So many things to sort thru and throw away.

And miss him.

Nights … those…

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OMG…..I might be alive after all!!

I just love my mailman. He struts around in here like he’s the sexiest thing on two legs. I love his confidence in himself. He’s funny and fun and I enjoy the few minutes I get almost every morning with him.

Yesterday, he felt the need to apologize for not taking a box I had to mail out. He didn’t take it  because his vehicle was 2 blocks away. It was only a 5 pound box but damn that can get heavy in humid weather. He would come back for it later.

He didn’t.

Anyway….He wanted to say he was sorry and he gave me a hug. His goatee brushed my neck.

Jaysus!

JOLT!

ok,

wtf?

I need a boyfriend…..

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Sometimes being helpful isn’t a good thing……?

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes his story of a Crest view couple who drove their car to WalMart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw pair a of male legs protruding from under the chassis.  Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the  embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP  his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. 

On regaining her footing, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

white clothes line trousers past

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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It’s finally Friday.

Fri I added friday to your coffee.jpg

Half day at work today. I have so many things to get done before the weekend and before I leave.

I have a bazillion thoughts running through my head today.

I don’t like how I feel as if I am being told how to live in my own house. Daughter is starting to get on my nerves with redoing my dishes (even tho they have sat there a few days), messing up my laundry so I have to redo it after I spend $1,000 on a new washer and dryer, telling me how to interact with my dog….the list goes on. I wonder HOW I managed to survive as long as I have.

I shouldn’t bitch. Most of the time it’s good. I’m just used to a rhythm and rhyme to my home and it’s been disrupted.

On a high note, things are leaving at a much more rapid pace. I’m happy about that. A desk and a trunk are leaving soon. Grandson needs them at college.  I really need that huge bookcase gone. I need to get some good photos of it tonight and list it.

Blew some money on a JD lawn mower last night. I need something more dependable. I think I’m gonna play with it this weekend. Would have been nice if there was a bagger with it. Some of those guys are kinda cute. (bet few get this).

Have a new guy interested. Keep your fingers crossed. I talk to Nick about them. I know he understands. He told me not to mourn long. That has been a difficult request to honor.

a-lot-of-widows-feel-they-have-betrayed-their-spouse-by-continuing-to-live.png

 

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