Well….last night….

…………was both good and not so good.today-is-cancelled-go-back-to-bed

I found them. The suit coat, the shirt and the dress. And in the suit coat pocket? The inevitable crumpled up tissue. I’m finding them in everything lately.

I lost it.

april-95

Then I found the winter coat, the Red Lantern coat, and the dress he bought me in Mexico, and, and, and and…………. I just wish the pain would lesson. Sometimes it is OK and I can manage it. Sometimes it slams into me like a F650 Tonka Truck. Just as strong as the day he died.

Grief is the last act of love

Apparently we had great love.  I’m glad for that.  It just makes dating someone else…difficult.

Line drawing of grief

I have to say those twisted balls of yarn type thingys in the photo above are getting further between…..They just are not getting smaller.

So up till last night, I was actually thinking of a couple guys I wouldn’t mind dating.

Then my mind went …….. “Nah…………..I’m just going to go enjoy………”

My heart will know when it’s ready.

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That felt so GOOOOOOOD!!

I was somewhat naughty last night. *snickers* 

After my shower, I settled in a chair on the screen porch with all the lights off …………. and my robe wide open.

WHAT?????  IT WAS DARK OUT!!!!  SHEESH PEOPLE!! shuddup.

Note to self: I need to get a chaise lounge on that porch…..I just sat there, listening to the sounds of the night. Traffic was light for a change so no headlight glare bursting through the calm late evening darkness. And the sound of the evening bugs was music to my ears…..

It was so nice out there. The warm temp (69*) and the cool breeze….It felt so good on my damp skin. The only thing that would have made it nicer? ……………… I’ll let you figure that out.

I should have blown up the air mattress and slept out there.

I wish it would have been a Friday night … I’d be still be sitting out there. I think I will anyway…..of course I’ll need to warn the other residents of my house…..screen porch Mustang Run evening

*snortz*

tumbling mossy creek.gif

This, too, looks beyond inviting…..I would figure out a way to get a tent close to this without disturbing nature….and just listen to the sound of the water.

I wish I could find my other tent. I want to camp again…..in the rain. It is SO soothing to be out in nature. Just me and my dog. He’s such a great companion. (Jegs, the black lab)Bohdi and Jegs
Bohdi the blonde…..still cannot settle down. He will be a year on Halloween…He tests my patience.

The guy that took me to the car races the other night, wants to go out again. I may. I may not. We’ll see. He was a good friend of Nick’s. So…………..

One day my heart will be ready……….cropped-girl-and-balloon

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My Horrorscope today….

You may want to play it safe, but a friend or partner is eager to throw caution to the wind. Perhaps you can reach a compromise.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Wonder what THIS means……

I have 4 more weddings to attend. Is this it? For two of them, I have promised to be the date of the father of the bride or date of father of the groom.

I’m going to dance and drink and have fun and not worry about anything….and go home alone.

Again.

and she said I cant take this anymore.jpg

For some reason lately, I’m feeling very trapped, lonesome, alone, but mostly? with no sense of direction. No sense of what I want to do now that I’ve sold most of his cars and I’m boxing up so many of his possessions. I feel like I’m throwing him out. Making him less important to me. I’m feeling like I have no choice in the matter.

And I don’t know where to go from here.

So I’m going to just keep maintaining for now. Get my daughter and her family settled into my house. Finish dealing with stuff getting sorted, boxed up and stored. Finish getting the remodel projects done in my house. My daughter has some awesome ideas for decorations so I’m just going to let her loose.

Maybe making the house not look anything like it did when he was here…..? Will help.

Here’s hoping!!

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My googly eyed monster…

Lennox with the googly eyes.jpeg

He’s such a goof.

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Do you have ‘donor’ on YOUR license??

nick

As most of you know, Nick’s corneas were donated for transplant. He died at 2am. They took him to the morgue about 4am. About 6:30am I crawled into his hospital bed and was just falling asleep when my phone rang at 7am. I’d only had an hour of sleep in the last 36-40 hours.

7am the phone rings….it’s the Eye Bank….with a bunch of questions they apologized profusely for asking so soon after my loss, but time IS of the essence. Of course I said yes to all of them because both Nick and I had decided a long time ago to be organ donors. I wish everyone did. Somehow I feel he lives on in the 2 men who got his corneas. He’s HELPING people even after death.

Back in mid July, I sent letters to the eye bank for the 2 people who rec’d those corneas. Monday, I sent an email to the lady there to make sure they rec’d the letters for those two people. They have and are waiting for responses. She told me some write right away, some will wait 6-12 months before answering.

Then she wrote the following:

I took a look at your website that you had linked in your signature. It is very well done and I applaud you for your courage to have your life and feelings out there. Would you be interested in sharing your story of recovery with us and the story of David? The letter that was sent to the recipients of his donation is very kind and heartfelt. I love the part you added in there about him making the best decision by putting ‘donor’ on his license.  We are working on getting more donor and recipient stories, showcasing different family members, who they were and the importance of donation. Something like this would be used as testimonials on our website, facebook, exhibiting materials, brochures that go out to other families and partners, etc.

If you are interested, please let me know and we can discuss further. Thanks you for your time. Have a great day,

S*****

I stopped in my tracks.

Then immediately wrote back of COURSE I would!

everything is going to be ok in the end

To me, this is exciting news. If I can help someone decide on being a donor….why wouldn’t I do this?? I’m now curious as to what they need from me. I’m hoping they will just take some words of mine from my blog but we’ll find out and I’ll let you all know…..

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I often wonder…

….what goes through the mind of the men who ‘pose’, leaning against the cylinder rack right outside my office door. They lean up against it like they are some well built firemen or bodybuilders trying to entice me to the ice cream shoppe.

Depending on the person, the giant love handles and the beer gut………I’m sorry…that is not something that turns me on, especially if you are all grubby, filthy dirty, unkempt,  AND (for Pete’s sake!) WEARING A WEDDING BAND!  So for you to wiggle your ass at me while I’m sitting hostage at my computer……………….ugh.

accept the good in your life like me i am a delight.jpg

Granted, I’m no slim, svelte, beautiful thang sitting here…..just getting older by the minute. I do have standards and that includes NO WEDDING BAND. I would hope you have the same standard if you are wearing one!

Some people’s children.

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Well….????

It’s how I feel today!! Thurs Happy Fri wait its Thurs.jpg

Thursday Day 4 of hostage

ITS FRIDAY bitches

This week has flown by yet it’s only Thursday?

It’s my Mommy’s birthday today. I’m going up to see her and help get more stuff outta the house. She has some things she claims are mine…..

The house is slowly getting into shape. The kitchen is hopefully getting done today. The downstairs bath this weekend….I just have to find the photo of the shower I want……

And now it’s time for lunch. Think I’ll go find some ice cream and a couch…..*snortz*

I need to ponder and find some inspiration…………………..

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