It’s been suggested several times…

To turn this journey into a book.

I’d love to but I’m no writer. I’d need someone to help me put this all in the right order.

nick wed morning

I’d love for everyone to know what a special person this man was. How he struggled to make it through.

How I’m struggling to learn how to live without him after almost 25 years of him being in my life.

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Two of my favorite men! Oh hush….

 

Tom on the left…………………………………Kevin on the right.

two of my favorites

I’ve known my Tom since 1979? 1980? He’s been a rock in my life for a lot of years. In 1992, I spent a wonderful 4 day weekend exploring Jamestown and Jud, ND with him. His family name is on the old headstones there in Jud; the reason he moved to that Godforsaken great northern tundra. He showed me the Bison sculpture outside of town – designed by a guy from G’ville, he took me to a bar and taught me what a Bulldog was *hic*, he took video of me in his civil war stuff AFTER I drank the Bulldog, AND again the next morning as I was trying to wake on the sofa sleeper after ingesting said Bulldogs, ugh – thank God I can’t find THAT tape! It was a FUN trip. Ya, the VHS tape is here somewhere. I even have the raw unedited version. I should find it and send it to him so he can put it on DVD. I’d like to see that again. One of the cool parts is where we came upon a doe that had JUST had her fawn. Remember that, Tom? Going to the old house in Jud? Myron’s garage? LOL

The commentary was funny and so spontaneous.  *wide angle on the ass again Tom?* OMG we laughed all weekend. Still not happy Myron won that bet, though! Or that y’all even HAD THAT bet going!!

I was back there again in August of 1993 for Tom’s wedding. He wanted me to be the best ‘man’ in a tux and high spike heels. I wish now I had done it but I don’t think the new wife would have liked it. It was a GREAT time. I had SUCH fun!!!toms wedding red shirt   toms wedding white shirt

God I look so YOUNG!! AND THIN! AND BLURRY! and OMG that HAIR?? Really???

Tom was here when I needed him most. At Nick’s funeral. And he brought with him, another favorite, Mike, from IL.

Mike and Tom knew each other from…..college? Details are fuzzy. Thanks to all the TJ Swan and Boone’s Farm. *hic* Anyway, I met Mike when Tom decided I needed to meet his cool friend. So Tom in ND, Mike in IL wanted to get together; who was halfway between? ME! in MN at the time. I bought probably 20 bottles of Boone’s and TJ and we had a weekend party at my house up on the ridge. Another wonderful time.

Kevin – a very important man in my life. I’ve written of him before. I do think without him, I would be in a padded room. Seriously. Since Nick died, he has been here for me whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, lawn to mow, tree limbs to cut, or cars to move, anything I have asked he has been there for me.  Someone to lean on when I need. I swear my brain turned to mush after what Nick and I went through. Kevin knew this and helped out SO much. Just being there for me when I would throw my hands up in frustration because I simply could not remember what I needed to do.

I met Kevin almost 11 years ago when Nick and I moved to Frenchville. He and Nick became very good friends and they spent time ‘playing’, yes playing, in Kevin’s shop. (you showed me the ice bucket remember?) He and I have SUCH a great time laughing and talking whenever we are together. He is just so easy to talk to. Or just sit on the front step and ‘be’. He is my bestest friend. I do not know what I would do without him in my life.

He’s also one hell of a cook! *and he’s single ladies!!* Has hair the color I would KILL for whenever mine decides to change color. (or I stop coloring it, whichever comes first)  I once asked him if there was something he DIDN’T know how to do….he just looked at me sideways. I’m sure one day I might find something he doesn’t know how to do.  Ha!

I still have no idea how to thank him for all he has done. Or tell him how special he is to me, but I think he knows. Right?

I have some of the COOLEST friends. And I always say, there is room around my bonfire for you too.

firepit

LET’S LIGHT ‘ER UP!!

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Another anniversary today

Nick and I had many anniversaries.

March 20th – our wedding

cathy nick sue allison

April 21st – our first kiss (no photo)

May 19th – my fi…well never mind. (really? no, no photo)

June 7th – The day he asked me to marry him. (I have a photo that day somewhere too)

Nov 9th – the first time…..well again, never mind. (there migh…..no, j/k)

nick-and-sue-hand-on-my-butt

Maybe today being the day it is, is why I am feeling bereft, out of sorts, hungover. Maybe it is why I stayed up late last night (OK into this morning) rereading my ‘journal’ I started about 7 weeks before Nick died. Recording things like weather, news, joys, and sorrows.  Very few joys. Lots of sorrow.

I was reading and all I could feel was the helplessness and despair I felt in those days. The journal stops abruptly soon after we got back from Canada and doesn’t start again til Aug 1st. I’m glad I did write it all down. It’s not as detailed as what I wrote in here. And not all the things I wrote in that book are in here.

I started writing to Nick in that journal after he died. It has helped me cope and heal more than I ever thought possible. I do recommend it to anyone going through a loss. Write to them what you would tell them if they were here. Write to them that you are PISSED OFF they are gone, sad, angry they have left you behind, missing them more than you thought possible. It’s ok to have these thoughts.  It’s healing to write them out, express them. I have always said talking about something cuts it’s hold on you in half. Each time you talk about it, write about it, the hold on you loosens.

This journey has been full of ups and down, joys and sorrows. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if reading my words, helps you in any way? Then this blog is worth it.  Pouring my heart out on these pages is worth it.

Take care my friends. We will make it through.

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EDIT! I really don’t have anything….so

think im gonna get on someones nerves today

This little gem was in my email inbox this morning……

9 Health Rules That Doctors Never Break

Have 200 orgasms a year, never skip breakfast, and other must-follow health advice from top doctors who practice what they preach.

 

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Tuesday night shower….is over?

Nick didn’t come to me. I was alone.

.Nick 71716
I was somewhat disappointed.

I talked to him but nothing.

Maybe that’s all he needed to do to let me know he’s OK.

I’m OK with that.

I think.

This photo was taken the Sunday before he left me. Barely a shell.

I will miss him till the day I die.

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Another one left last night

This doesn’t get easier.

As each one goes, I’m reminded of what he wanted to do with each one.  If you look closely you can see me in a plaid shirt hiding behind the tree. Behind me you see the left quarter of a 1971 Mustang convertible Nick dragged home a couple months before he died. (so there’s that slamming into me again) That will be put up on a trailer, parted out; then, it too, goes to the scrap yard. There is an F250 parts truck behind the shed Fred wants the windshield out of, so he’ll be parting that vehicle out. That carcass will go to the scrap yard, also. Nick got everything he wanted off of that truck.  So soon 2 more will be gone.

mustang leaving.jpg

I have a gorgeous maroon 2006 Fusion that needs put together and something done with. I have NO idea what to do with it. Just another project that didn’t get done, I guess.

The House 816-2

Last night, I sat out on my front step for almost 2 hours, just enjoying the 75*, the wind, the dogs, the flashing (banging part of the show came later along with several tornadoes during some nasty storms that killed people). I didn’t know about the bad storms till later so I just sat out there and just ‘was’. Just wanted to ‘be’. Without having to be anything. Be anywhere. Do anything. Just sit and ‘be’.

It was a nice thing. My friend stopped by on his way home and sat there with me. Just being. We had a nice chat. Watched the lightening which was NUTS.

I had planned on moving stuff around in my shed.  I need to start getting more things out of my house so I can DO that damn bedroom upstairs. It was simply too hot to be out moving things around. But I would have sweated off 5lbs so maybe I should have. There’s a thought.

I’m wearing an awesome bra today. Wow. Cleavage! Thank God the washer didn’t eat this one!

Anyway, tonight I get to go home and just ‘be’ again. I think, if it’s raining like it’s sposed to be, I may just dig into my cross stitch family tree and see if I can fix it. Or maybe go move that stuff around in my shed. Take a chair with me and watch the Flash and Bang show from the open overhead door and just ‘be’.

truck and trench 003.jpg

Y’all have a nice day.

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The Flash and Bang Show

….last night was spectacular.  And now I am exhausted because apparently it wanted me to watch.

All

Night

Long

aaaakkkkk

************************

a walking goddess

I sure don’t feel like it today. Daughter was home yesterday with what she thought was a food allergy. (food poisoning?) I’m thinking it was more like intestinal flu because today? I’m feeling like crap. It couldn’t have been all the wine last night. *gives him a SIDEWAYS look*  When I go for a movie, we simply MUST start watching it earlier. And STOP FILLING MY GLASS!!

I’m into the Pirates of the Caribbean series right now. I should be home finishing up the cross stitch family tree. The sad thing is, I have to be in the mood to do that and I haven’t since Nick died. I tried working on it when Nick was ill and I managed to mess up some of the leaf colors. I stopped and have not been able to get back on it since.

clothes

It drives me nuts that I still cannot get back into everything I need to be doing. I have more projects than you can shake a stick at.

–landscape which includes moving flowers and planting trees.

–patio around fire pit.

–red brick ‘floor’ for the grills to sit on.

–3 upstairs bedrooms.

–downstairs bath

–kitchen

–redo all the wiring crap for the TV/VCR

–the garage

–the shed

–my cupboards in laundry room.

-repaint laundry

No wonder I am exhausted. Just thinking about it all tires me out.

truck out last night

A friend and I got this baby out. I can’t wait to drive her again. Poor Jegs crawled in and wouldn’t come out. His head was hanging down. I know he was thinking about Dad. And mourning him again.

As did I.

sunset last night

The sunset was beautiful last night. It came out between the Flash and Bang shows that were going on. The way the sunlight played on the truck is from this. I took the photos one after another.

Well, if y’all got nuttin’ ter do!? Come join me with a paint brush? or a shovel? or a….bedtime story??

 

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