Italy – August 2017

Where do I begin to describe this beautiful country?

blue water from boat trip

blue water

My first student, Matteo, of whom I have blogged before. My lifeline when Nick became ill. And Marghe, my newest student. I love that they got to meet. My two good looking kids from Italy.

Matteo and Marghe

After we all met, Matteo and I went to the … um…. beach? The sand pebbles are REALLY large here!! The ones on each side and to the rear were about the size of a HOUSE. Climbing through these was amazing to me. I DID IT!!

Rocks from scratch

And we got to here, where we jumped off these rocks into that clear, blue, BLUE, water….so refreshing and bracing and COOL till you got used to it. Then it was beyond wonderful!!scratch rocks.jpeg

This is where we were ‘camped out’ while swimming. These rocks, as you can see, are HUGE!

relaxing rocks

Trying to get back out of the water onto said rock……well as Marghe’s father said “Granite of Sardinia claims another victim.” I had to laugh. It hurt pretty good at first. And during each dip in the salty Mediterranean hurt like crazy…but it cleansed it and today? Almost healed.

scratch

This is a tomb. There are approximately 7,000 Nuraghe on Sardinia. I’ve c/p the link to Wiki for info on them. They were amazing…..!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuraghe

Nuraghe tomb

Even in that heat!!

temp

Matteo and I in front of the largest building in a village. Underground water system, the buildings of rock were just…………if you EVER get to the Island of Sardinia…GO see these. They are just ……………..amazing.

Matteo and I at Nuraghe

Our last day together. I had such a wonderful, healing, rejuvenating, refreshing, fun, (keeps listing adjectives) time. 11 days of ………..(see above)

Matteo and I Friday

My Italian son is such a great young man. I love spending time with him and talking with him.

I am so proud to know him.

Thank you for the best vacation EVER!!

Love from your worst language student ever…..

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An update on my beautiful blonde boy….

Yesterday my Bohdi went to the vet for a camera down his throat. As if THAT wouldn’t bring back some awful memories and major apprehension as to what they would find…..

Bohdi and Jegs

His adenoids were swollen and his palette ‘elongated’  so Doc removed the adenoids and shortened the palette. He’s on NO ACTIVITY for a couple days. Tonight he finally gets to eat again. I have to soften his food. But he was really drugged up last night as he just sat and looked at me or curled up at my feet.

He’s worth the almost $800 I already have into him.

He’s smart, beautiful, funny, and Jegs loves him.

Even the cat gave him kisses last night.

Wow

Sprint 2014.jpeg

 

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Starting my second year….

The last few weeks have been difficult. I seem to be feeling the same sense of loss I had a year ago….stumbling thru my days in a haze of memories, fear, and loss. I see him everywhere, in the garage, in the basement, in our bed; hearing his voice saying something inappropriate or I love you, or holding his face in my hands kissing him, loving him.

Nick saying something most likely entirely inappropriate

I sit on the couch where I sat next to him in the hospital bed. I can see him laying there. Gasping for air as his body shuts down. So thin I was amazed he was alive as long as he was.  I think that is burned into my memory for all time. And I wouldn’t give up the honor of being there with him as he breathed his last for all the money in the world.

Every time I would go with him to chemo, I would take a photo like this. Just our legs. I watched his get thinner and thinner.

final photo hospital bed.jpeg

This is the final one. Taken mid afternoon. This was as close to him as I could get. I wish now I would have just crawled in bed with him. And held him.

This past few weeks have shown me I have a long way to go with my healing.  As I sit here writing this, tears are trying to run down my cheeks.  Before the anniversary, I could write things and do OK. But not so these last few weeks. I hope I can get back on my feet again…. and soon.

I leave tomorrow morning for Italy for 11 days. I really need this time away from everyone and everything and just ‘be’. To think. To enjoy. To cry. To mourn. To just ‘be’.

And I thank my wonderful son Matteo’s family for this opportunity. I love them more than they know.

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Well…..My horrorscope says….

Sagittarius
Nov 22 – Dec 21

Others are eager to hear what you have to say, and they certainly want to see what you will do next, but you may not be ready just yet.

They certainly would be surprised what I did last night.

I’ve mentioned before that I am ‘waking up’ and finally finding the wherewithal to get things done around my house and yard.

So last night, instead of transplanting trees in the mud, I decided I would start getting the door ready for my balcony so my son could install it. It has a beautiful etched glass window in it. But the bottom of it needs some serious help. Around the top, varnish has bubbled up and needs to be removed.

balcony door.jpeg

I was planning on just sanding it down and coating it with polyurethane. But on closer inspection, I see I will need to strip this side of it. The ‘inside’ is OK. Just needs a good cleaning. So I found my sander, hauled the door out to the garage, got the door in and set up, and looked around.

Mistake.

I am surrounded by memories, things, stuff, tools, lawn mowers, engines….and there are his coveralls. And they smell like him. It’s already a cold, dreary, rainy kind of day so my mood wasn’t the best anyway.

papas little helper by the garage

I lost it.

Seriously lost it. Unable to breathe kind of losing it.

Crying, moaning and finally letting out the scream that has been building for almost 3 years.

Not so sure I like this waking up stuff. I think I want to go back to being numb.

Can I do that now?

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And to be MORE honest……………?

……………………………..I don’t wear eyeliner.

I am winging it.jpgI found this and thought I would try to write about ‘winging it’ today.

I think I wing it every day. Making split second decisions on a lot of things. Like getting up in the morning, which vehicle to drive, if I will drive to work, or to a bar, plant trees or sand a door, tie up my maters, or just sit and listen to Shania and Whitney.

When I get home at night, I wing it on what project I’ll tackle that night. lick a strangers face

But the most important thing about this…….Is I AM tackling projects. I AM getting things done. And I am feeling good about what I get done.

yes-im-crazy-no-you-cant-have-some

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Dear God,

I know it has been almost 3 years since our cancer journey began and over a year since he died, but I’m still not real happy with You yet. It may take me awhile. You can’t get mad about that. You made me this way. Deal with it.

I was looking at a photo last night. I keep it on the head of my bed. He was so healthy. And handsome. And loving. And fun. And OMG that body. And my other half. Neither of us were complete without the other.

Nick at the dells 1994

And we became more inseparable as the years went on. Sure we broke up more than once only to get back together again. Remember ‘each other’s other half’ thing? We simply could not live apart. You must have had some kind of plan for us, right? Otherwise his first two marriages and other relationships would have lasted longer than a year or two.

You gave us almost 24 years together.

It wasn’t long enough, God.

Not nearly long enough.

That healthy, sexy, fun man …. became emaciated, thin beyond comprehension, unable to eat, walk any distance, do anything requiring strength, whether it be fixing something in the house, working on his cars, or making love with me. I don’t understand it, God.  There are other people out there who do bad, evil, wicked things, and you let them live till they are 90. Why did you have to take Nick at so young?CROPPED Nick and Sue at the benefit

Why?

I go to church. I talk to You. And I’m still waiting to hear what your plan is. It can’t be for me to be Nonna alone to this wonderful bunch of kids. I love them so much. And so did Papa. They miss him so.

Logan and Nonna laughing.jpg

I miss him so …

Sometimes I wander my house … feeling very lost and alone. I find myself talking to him like he is here. I stare at his photos. Missing him more. And mad at You still.

Granted that isn’t happening as often as it was. But it still happens.

And until You let me in on your reason for taking the love of my life far too soon, it will probably continue to happen.

I had a counselor for my children once tell me that a child will lash out at the parent they feel safest with. I had to ask because my sons lashed out at me all the time, and sided with their father on so much. I felt better knowing the reason behind it and ceased to worry quite so much.

I know I can lash out at You. Because I am safe with You.

I’m just not happy with You right now.

Talk to You again soon.

Sue

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Is today the first day of the rest of my life…?

3 choices to handle something.jpg

I am not sure I have a real clear idea which of these three is happening. I do know Nick’s death has not destroyed me. It almost did. I know I didn’t want to live for a while. Even with the friends who were there almost every day.

I don’t know if it has defined me as I was me before I met him. He just brought out more of the best in me.

Strengthen? Maybe this is it. I take a lot longer to think things through than before. I more easily stand my ground. It’s taken a while but things are finally getting done.  I don’t let things bother me as long because God knows, there are worse things out there…like the death of your spouse. Who did what to who and when? Who cares???

I stopped fighting my inner demons we are on the same side now

My inner demons. Letting thoughts of Nick overtake my day. Sometimes the day wins. Sometimes I do. But it’s finally getting to where I do more now. I feel I am as my kitchen is clean. My basement is getting straightened out and house looks so much better. It’s no where near perfect yet, but I’m getting more comfortable in it.

ive reached a point in life where i feel its no longer.jpg

I am who I am. Love me or leave me alone. Enjoy your time with me or stay home. I make no claims on anyone and no one has a claim on me. I am beginning to really like being by myself at night. And when I decide I don’t want to be…………..well………..so be it.

your face is marked with lines.jpg

Do you see this in my face? Do you see the love I had for Nick and the laughter we shared? Do you see the pain of losing him in my eyes or has that faded some now? The tears still come. At the drop of a hat. But they are not tears of despair and pain. They are tears of a love lost that I am coming to terms with.

My year of firsts is now over.

Let the rest of my life begin.

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