I am in such a funk right now and I don’t see myself coming out of it. A long talk with a man I thought of as someone I could always count on…showed me I can’t anymore. These last few days have NOT been good. I haven’t been sleeping and I just need to hide again. This is the way I’m feeling and I do not like it. I am angry, sad, lonely and just lost.
Criticism comes your way today, but you know how to handle it without threatening any of your personal relationships.
Today? Don’t really give two shits.
I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving. I don’t want to be with people. Period. I’m seriously thinking of just going to the town celebration and then going back home. My daughter can take my daughter to the family thing.
I have NEVER felt this unsociable that I can remember.
You all know me…usually pretty damn upbeat and quirky and somewhat bat shit crazy. Not full blown bat shit crazy like Jad……just slightly off my rocker, enough to be sane yet just enough to have fun. (think it’s cause I’m older than her and I discovered sex as better than chocolate in my early 30’s.)
I’m going to have to do some serious drinking this 4 day weekend.
Maybe it will be the attitude adjustment I need.
You asked me to not mourn you for very long. Nearly impossible, love. You were the love of my life. A force to reckon. I will always love you.
You asked me to move on with my life and find someone new. I’m trying. I really am. I want someone to talk to, to spend time with, to enjoy life with no matter what we do. I don’t want to be alone. I am too outgoing to come home and be alone every night.
I am doing my damnedest to NOT compare anyone to you. I try. I really do. You are the yardstick I need to break.
I have to admit when I was in the cities this weekend, Jon and I talked about you. But when we were out and about? It was ‘us’. Jon and I as a couple. You weren’t there. I found that amazing. It’s a start. Maybe I’m healing. Jon and I are not a couple. We will always be friends. It just felt like we were this weekend. I know you would approve of he and I, but it won’t happen.
Sweetheart….I love you. I always will.
And now……….even though this is a lifelong journey? learning to cope without you? You are on the sidelines now.
Watch me grow.
So I went to see my friend T in the cities this weekend. She has taken courses in college for writing. She gave me some good insight, some good tips, and some homework.
Yes, I have to have get started on 3 to 5 pages …. “Start your story. Tell some background about how you two met and why you started writing the online journal.” she says.
“OK.” I replied. “How fast do you need them? Next week?”
“Oh no, take a couple months to write it out.”
Well hell. I do that I’ll forget what I’m sposed to be writing about!!! heh heh heh
As we were sitting there in Perkins, my first line came to me so I look for an app for typing it out. I bought a tablet mainly for this project. I’ve never had a tablet. You have to download just about everything.
I kept repeating this line in my head so I wouldn’t forget it while downloading Note. Luckily it didn’t take long. I wrote out my line. Heaved a sigh of relief and thought “Well, there. I’ve started it.”
And thoughts kept flying through my head. About the trip to Italy was to be OUR vacation to see Matteo. How much he would love Marghe and what joy Earn would have brought him. How I do everything alone now. How I am trying not to mourn him for so long and get on with my life.
And how I had hoped for that this weekend….it didn’t work out. Jon and I are just too connected as friends to be lovers. Disappointing yet if I had to CHOOSE someone for it to not work out with, Jon was the one. (we had a great laugh over THAT line!!) He and I have such a connection that what could have been an embarrassing failure? …turned into just a fun friend weekend. He is awesome to snuggle with. He loves me no matter what.
He’s a steady in my life. One I can always count on.
Well, I have to work on homework tonight…………………………ugh.
All’s well that ends well — but you don’t know that things are ready for their conclusion, do you? You must keep looking ahead.
I keep trying to look ahead to the day when I can think of Nick and smile. EVERY time I think of him.
I’m not there yet.
But I’m trying.
I forgot to tell you all about another childhood friend who passed away early November….When I was 14 years old, I met Bryan. He was adorable….just a few months older than me. I babysat a LOT for his sister. Our families became close and we became friends. Then his family moved to Arizona and we lost touch. He ended up in Pensacola, FL.
His funeral was last Saturday. *wipes a tear*
Your emotions may be unusually sharp today, bubbling near the surface. That could be trouble if you don’t maintain control.
An interesting Horrorscope this morning. Glad it’s not tomorrow’s when I go to the cities! Ugh, I almost hate to see tomorrow’s.
I’m looking forward to seeing what I have to get together to start this book that Mike has decided I should write; now the idea intrigues me. I’m just happy my friend T knows where to start. I just hope it helps someone. Learning to cope with the loss of your other half, as Nick was to me, is beyond difficult. Almost 16 months later, there are times when the fact can still drop me to my knees.
But lately, memories have been coming back and they make me smile instead of lose it. There are still days it’s very hard. I’m hoping one day to have a relationship again. I know it will help me to put Nick in the past. Never forgotten but not forefront in my mind.
I cannot wait to get to the cities tomorrow night. TOMORROW NIGHT!! Dayum!! I gotta pack!!
No, not as in songs. I wish…………
Patrick D N***, 52, of T******** , died on Wednesday, Nov. 1, 2017, at ******** in *****, after a long battle with cancer. (Stomach cancer-like how Nick’s started. Pat’s started before Nick’s did. He survived with it longer.)
He was born in 1965, to Franklin and Betty N***, at **** Hospital in ****.
He was a graduate of *** High School.
Pat was a self employed automobile mechanic. He had a knack for building unique vehicles. He like going to swap meets and flea markets to find that one “special” item. He was a collector of many things. Beer cans, tootsie toys, matchbox cars and old metal can openers to name a few. He enjoyed working on cars in his garage and spent many long hours working on them. He was visited by many while working and always enjoyed the company and the conversations.
Pat was a good friend of Nick’s. One day, as Nick was having another scan of some sort, in walks Betty. We sat together in the waiting room talking, her about her son, Pat; me about my man, Nick; and the struggles they were having.
Nick had EXCELLENT insurance. Pat had none.
Pat and Nick would bury themselves in my garage for HOURS whenever Pat came over. They were two peas in a pod. Both excellent mechanics but Pat was an even better body man. He drove some of the fun cars so well done.
He will be dearly missed.
What you reveal today tells those around you much more than you think, so you may want to tell only so much and no more. Think it through.
What I reveal today….like this?
Some have scoffed at my offering, laughed, ignored, or stepped on my soul.
And I just keep getting back up………………..what choice do I have?