Boo early 90.jpg


boo in car.jpg

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I am feeling

somewhat apprehensive about Christmas. I no longer feel welcome in my parents new place when my sister is around. She is condescending and arrogant. And I just walk away from people like that.

every family has that one weird relative.jpg

I know it is not me.

This weekend I have to check what I have bought and see what else I need to get.

Found an old photo of me. I’m stunned at how pretty I was. Never saw it then. But this photo is nice.

Wanna see it???

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So where DID the money go???

You know that money? That they TOOK from me for the 5 months I did not have health insurance in 2015 while Nick was so ill. When I didn’t have the time or the inclination to do anything for MYSELF. Only for my dying husband. The Asshats.

Republicans and Democrats disagree on the merits of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, versions of which have now passed both the House and Senate. But both parties concur that the tax reform/tax cut legislation is, in former Vice President Joe Biden’s famous phrasing when Democrats passed Obamacare: “A big f***ing deal.”

The bill upsets the decades-long status quo on international tax competition, curtails the multibillion-dollar tax subsidy for high-tax states and cities, opens Alaska to more oil exploration and ends the mandate forcing Americans to buy government-approved health insurance or pay a tax — meaning Obamacare would become voluntary. Any one of these earthshaking measures on its own would have been viewed as too controversial to pass in recent years.


When Congress focuses on welfare reform in April, the GOP will be able to further reform or repeal Obamacare without facing the assertion that millions would lose insurance.


All I hear is how Americans will LOSE their insurance. Well, as of right now, it will be because they choose to NOT go through Healthcare.gov and get some.  I hope that is all that these idiots in Washington have done. My premiums went up  about 35%….and my deductible went from $4,400 to $6,000. This is under Obamacare – the AFFORDABLE insurance. It is for catastrophic care only. I get one free exam, one mammogram and one colonoscopy free each year.

Ok, I’m done talking insurance as I’ll just get worked up on how Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shield and Gundersen LOST me/COST me over $8K because of their ‘not wanting to lose money’. And a MANDATORY RIDER that ‘they just weren’t telling anyone about.’ that would have SAVED me that $8K.

Holiday Workout Plan
Ya, that will be my workout regimen this year….


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It’s Thursday…

Thursday Day 4 of hostage.jpg
And I think I am a bit better.

And that is all I have today.


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I am going to try….

….to be better at hiding how I am feeling. It is the holidays and everyone else deserves to have a happy day. Even if my mental state won’t let me.

santa wrapped around a windmill

I heard from AW again. He continues to tell me he is trying to get home to me. Just another cause of my depression…..I don’t know if I can believe him. I want to.

I am lonely. I’m tired of being alone, doing things alone, sleeping alone. I guess I’m just not built that way. I’d rather have Nick with me. We fit together like a hand in a glove no matter how we snuggled up to each other. I really miss that. Jegs tries his hardest but it just isn’t the same.

The dating websites are a joke. Same guys on all of them. Whatever.

Mr. Right , or Mr. Right Now will have to find me instead.

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I really figured….

Nick and Sue by Bec
…….by now, I’d be doing better than I am. But I hear this is normal. Especially around the holidays.

Normal. What is feeling normal? Unable to sleep? and when you do drop off, it’s the sleep of the dead and you awaken more tired than when you went to sleep? (altho I am finding Melatonin is helping me with that…….Yes!) Eating? Ha! At least I am maintaining and not gaining. Friendships? ha…I am amazed how many of OUR friends that I have not heard from in a LONG time. Went to a party Saturday night. Only a couple of the people there made me feel I should be there, the rest? I have no clue who they were and the looks I got were like ‘who are you and what are you doing here?’ They wouldn’t talk to my daughter and make her feel welcomed either. A few did, but not like before they added all these strangers to our group.

So we left early.

I have no desire to do anything I want to do. I’m doing everything everyone wants me to do. Or I feel I HAVE to do. But once Christmas is over? Nada. I’m done. I’m doing what I need to do to make ME happy.


I am taking a year off from having International students. When I want to leave for a weekend, Jegs and I go. I will do more camping, kayaking, and having fun.

I’d really like to have a man share this time with me, but that seems to not be in the cards right now. I find that frustrating. All the men that wanted to be with me while Nick was alive…..are gone. I find that disrespectful to Nick and I wouldn’t go out with them now if they asked me.

I miss him so much. I was at my desk this weekend. I could feel him hugging me.

I welcomed it this time, even through my tears…..

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We all know….

Psycho and Logical.jpg


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