Monday, Nov 17th, 2014

Nick had a PET scan this day. We would get the results on Wednesday at the doctor’s office.

Instead she called us at 7am just as we are getting ready to leave….

“OMG there IS a God!!!
PET Scan came back with NO hot spots!!! None!!!
Instead of having to do chemo with a 3 week break then 5 weeks of  chemo/radiation…he only has to do the chemo/radiation. This cuts down his treatment time by 1/2 to 2/3rds!!! This is AWESOME news!!”
Little did we know then what we know now. He wouldn’t ever feel as good as we did that day.
Posted in Me


Thanksgiving was on hold for us Wednesday night as Nick was ill. Again. Feels like he has the flu all the time.

But then Thursday, he felt good enough that we went to the community dinner at 11am, then we went back home, he rested a while, then we took off to my son’s house for another turkey dinner at 6pm.

Yum. Nick ate really well, (which I think is part of the problem. He simply doesn’t eat enough)

All in all, it actually was a pretty good day.

Then last night he started running a fever. 100.6° which for most people isn’t much but for Cancer patients….this isn’t good. He just felt so lousy. Nick laid on the couch with a t shirt, sweater, down coat and his fleece mustang blanket on him and was STILL cold. He has no meat on his bones to help keep him warm.

About 2am, I woke up when I rolled over and put my arm across his chest. His t shirt was SOAKED with sweat. His temp this morning was 98.8°

He’s got a 1:20am appointment today. I hope he puts his foot down. Enough is enough. Why do we STILL not have an answer on the spots??? And he’s not called or stopped by so I don’t know what’s going on at the docs.

I’m so worn out from stress and worry, my eyes leak almost constantly now…..

Someone just let herself be pulled up in Uncle C’s lap and stayed there for over 10 minutes…..having a puppy in her arms helped I think…….*snortz*Corvin and JR on Thanksgiving.jpeg

Posted in Me

He’s giving up….

“How can anyone feel this bad and still be alive??”

I don’t know, luv……..I just don’t know.

He’s down to 132.5lbs this morning. He went to bed at 5pm last night, got up at 10:30pm for a bit, and then back to bed till 6:30am.

He didn’t eat.

And I can’t get him to understand that he won’t be able to function if he doesn’t give his body fuel to run on.

No results from the ultra sound yet either. I spose with the holidays, it’s more important to get to the relatives for the food than to give someone desperately waiting an answer on their LIFE.

Yes, Anger has set in.

Posted in Me

What’s it like…?

….To live without such fear?

I don’t know if I can remember….This morning Nick was finally sleeping so peacefully…..that I am freaking out looking for his chest to be moving up and down. Was he BREATHING???

Last night, I spent over a half hour rubbing his back trying to help him through yet another bout of severe pain. Almost every night, like clockwork….in his words, his rib pain tries to strangle him. He can’t breathe, he can’t lay still, it grabs him and won’t let go till IT is ready to. And the doctors can find no cause for it.

Two spots were found on the last MRI. One on a kidney, you can live with one kidney. The other? on his liver. You can’t live without that. More fear piled on top of the incredible weight loss, the lack of appetite, the rib pain and the not knowing.

Will we be celebrating Easter? Memorial DAy weekend’s party…will it happen? July 4th. What about his next birthday? Christmas?

The uncertainty of it all…..

And if I feel this way?? How does Nick feel?? I can’t hardly imagine.

Nov 10….home for less than 2 weeks……

For a bit of levity, this is from my archives:

With all that had been going on with Nick over the past few weeks…… poor car had been somewhat neglected…

This guy comes to the door that Saturday (11/8/2014)

“I have one question.” He said

“No.” Said Nick…

(everyone wants to buy my car)


snow on Maggie.jpeg

Posted in Me

Nick’s MRI results 11/20/2015

I’m jumping ahead today… today….

Nick called me this morning. He had gone in for a doctor appointment at 7:20am for the results of his MRI from Monday.

It should have been a clue for me that he was sniffling like he has a cold.

He doesn’t have a cold.

MRI shows a spot on his liver and a kidney. An ultrasound is scheduled for sometime in December. He was too rattled to remember the date.

I’ve said from the beginning that this will never end or go away. He says it will end when he dies. Sometimes I really hate being right. So does he.

I have done nothing but sit here with tears in my eyes since 10am.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m numb inside.

Posted in Me

Sunday Nov 23rd…..*smiles*

After all that was going on….I felt we needed a bit of ‘normalcy’ in our lives for ONE day before the real intense stuff started.

I had secretly invited a bunch of people to our home on Sunday, Nov 23rd. It was a week before Chemo/Radiation would start and Nick was feeling pretty good. I wanted to capitalize on that and have a little party for him. We didn’t know HOW he would feel once chemo started. So all day Sunday…people were arriving……

He finally figured out why I had told him he should put on a NICE shirt….


He LOVED it… many people came and sat a spell. papa-and-julianaWe had munchies, memories and fun. Just sitting around talking and the grandchildren were there…..Juliana let Papa cuddle her…Which was awesome in itself….She’s a Daddy’s girl….

The grandchildren love their Papa Nick…..and that makes me happy.

A week later….Chemo/Radiation started…..

Posted in Me

PET Scan results…Nov 19th

OMG there IS a God!!!  PET Scan came back with NO hot spots!!! None!!!

Instead of having to chemo with a 3 week break then 5 weeks of chemo/radiation…he only had to do the chemo/radiation for 5 weeks. This cuts down his treatment time by 1/2 to 2/3rds!!! This was AWESOME news!!

Ever since Nick and I heard that the PET Scan came back with no hot spots, I’ve watched Nick get healthier looking, there’s a bounce in his step, he smiles more……………..

Just the mental load off has been amazing.

He’s getting back to his old self again….albeit 18 pounds lighter.
I need to fatten him up. (Per Dr. S. *blank on her name right now but she’s a perky funny little thing!!)

And now the issue that Dr. G put ‘on the back burner’ ….

It’s standard practice to always to a cardio check on anyone heading for chemotherapy. Nick’s b/p has pretty much been ‘normal’. Wednesday, when we went into Dr G’s to hear the PET Scan results, his b/p was 111/74. (this was Nov 19th)

They did this cardio test last Friday? Nov 14th I think? (things are really running together lately). Dr. G told us Nick’s heart looks like he’s had high blood pressure problems. It’s not a REAL concern….but they’ll be watching him during chemo/radiation.  I didn’t tell anyone this news before because I wanted everyone to have a couple days of YAY!!!!!!  Dr. G isn’t THAT concerned about it………so we’ll worry IF and WHEN we need to.

We have enough on our plate right now.

/ * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * / * /

I remember this day of the PET scan results. Nick and I couldn’t stop hugging and crying and smiling and and and…….I don’t even remember what we did to celebrate….other than just breathe.

We both thought there might be a light at the end of the tunnel…..That his real healing could begin.

How little did we know……



Posted in Me


From the day we picked Matteo up from the airport….to the day he left….. I would see bald eagles. LOTS of bald eagles…all the time.

We have a stretch of the Black River here that in March is COVERED with them.

But I’m talking…all the time….and anywhere we were. It was so amazing.

Then he left. And the eagles disappeared. Seriously…I didn’t see one for MONTHS.

Then slowly…I started seeing one here, another there…Still not as much as when Matteo was here but they were there.

Then today…Matteo and I have been speaking over the past week to each other about Skyping soon. Nick would like to talk to him. I’m sitting at the stoplights after going to the bank………..looking out over the river in the area where it is covered in Eagles in March…and lo and behold…..

A single eagle…soaring and diving and just looking so beautiful…………

I smiled……..

Posted in Me