What’s it like…?

….To live without such fear?

I don’t know if I can remember….This morning Nick was finally sleeping so peacefully…..that I am freaking out looking for his chest to be moving up and down. Was he BREATHING???

Last night, I spent over a half hour rubbing his back trying to help him through yet another bout of severe pain. Almost every night, like clockwork….in his words, his rib pain tries to strangle him. He can’t breathe, he can’t lay still, it grabs him and won’t let go till IT is ready to. And the doctors can find no cause for it.

Two spots were found on the last MRI. One on a kidney, you can live with one kidney. The other? on his liver. You can’t live without that. More fear piled on top of the incredible weight loss, the lack of appetite, the rib pain and the not knowing.

Will we be celebrating Easter? Memorial DAy weekend’s party…will it happen? July 4th. What about his next birthday? Christmas?

The uncertainty of it all…..

And if I feel this way?? How does Nick feel?? I can’t hardly imagine.

6 thoughts on “What’s it like…?

  1. I totally get it. I have been living in a way with the fear of not knowing for years. Is this our last year together? Maybe we’ll get another good year out of his life. Then cancer struck and deep down inside I knew that this was the beginning of the end. Each time he’s seem to be able to come back and live more. Not to a good quality of life, but he is there and some days he wishes he was no longer with this world.
    I can’t imagine how awful this is for you. I hope you are able to rest a bit?


  2. I think it must be the constant pain for him and the helplessness for you that would be the most challenging aspect of all this. My sister died from Cancer but hers was so sudden

    Liked by 1 person

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