Some people…

….just have to take things upon themselves and make messes for others to clean up.

Nick’s child decided to start a GoFundMe page for his father. Which would be fine IF he’d gotten it right.

#1-he put an amount of $1,000 for medical expenses and living expenses.


Keep in mind, Nick’s going to do more Chemo. His Chemo/Radiation bill for ONE week was $33,000. For one week of 5 treatments. And that was a year ago. He will be doing Chemo once per week for the rest of his life unless he decides to stop it.

#2-he put a photo of his father in the hospital on the page. No. Nick didn’t want ANY photos of him in the hospital on the Internet. That needs to be removed.
*this has now been removed and replaced with a decent photo.

#3-he put on there that Nick has resigned his job and lost his health insurance. No, he has not. That could be construed as Fraud by putting false information out there. Not to mention if anyone says anything to his co-workers about ‘sorry to hear Nick had to quit his job’ then yes, his job is gone and so is the insurance. This must be removed…
*this has now been removed.

#4-he set up the account in a town we don’t bank in at a bank we don’t bank at. I pay the bills. And he will never know what our bills are as it’s pretty much none of his business. The account needs to be set up to go to our joint house account so I can pay the bills. He will not have control over the money I need to pay Nick’s bills.
*Nick is putting his name on here also. I’m also going to talk to him about Nick being the only one to write checks out of it for now. No, this child is NOT taking care of the bills I have been doing for 20 years come March.

#5-he makes it sound like his father is all alone in the world. Wrong. I am here. I have BEEN here for over 21 years. This child needs to learn to deal with reality.
*this will never change.

I have had to put up with this child and his mother and their CRAP for over 20 years. I had made the mistake of thinking that maybe one day they would quit being …..(pick an adjective).

Apparently I was wrong.

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I got a little taste this morning…..

of what my life will be like with Nick no longer here.

I detest snowblowers. But damn this one works NICE!!!

We got somewhere between 11-14″ of white crap last night. I drove home 40mph for 26miles. ~yawn~


I ran the snowblower around it this morning. And did 8′ in front of her as the guy who plows us out with a bobcat showed up. I feed him special dinners (Thanksgiving and Christmas leftovers). He plows my snow. Good deal. I gave him a tin of Christmas cookies. He’s happy!! And he’s a great guy too.


Good thing Nick cannot drive….he wouldn’t get far with this today.

He told me last night, he’s trying to wean himself off the Oxy. And now things are really setting in.

It’s so hard to watch him break down. And when it really hits…….omg.


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My oldest grandson…..

………the more I see him, the more I love that kid. I didn’t know my heart could swell this big.

I have 8 grandchildren. With #9 due in February.

Cullan is my oldest. He will be 16 come June 22nd. He was born on my grandparents wedding anniversary. This child is like 6′ something already and the sweetest young man I know.

I think he’s gonna be my rock when I need it.

He’s not doing really well knowing Papa has only months left with us. He loves his Papa something fierce. They all do. But with Cullan being the oldest….he is way more aware of what is going on than I wish. But I won’t keep things from him. He has a right to know.

I’ll just hug him even more.

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Christmas update

I have a few updates, some good news and some somewhat not so good news…

Our Christmas: was actually pretty good. Christmas Eve, we mostly visited with a few friends that stopped by and I spent the day stuffing presents in bags. I should have taken a before and after of my living room floor.

I have recently felt a real pull to attend Church. However, there is NO Methodist churches in G’ville or Ettrick. When I mentioned this to the neighbor that stopped by, she told me about a nice one over in Tremp. I told Nick I was going, if he wanted to join me, he was welcome to.

He told me he really wanted to go, but to do this, he needed a nap. So at 8:30pm, he took an hour nap, we left at 9:40pm for the 10pm service.

Immediately upon entering the church, both Nick and I felt calm and peaceful. I haven’t looked forward to going to church in ages. Portland services in July are a given. I always look forward to that. This was different. We CHOSE to go to 10pm Service. They were also having communion. Just felt a need.

Nick said he hadn’t felt this peaceful in months. He also had taken his pain meds at 9:30pm. He didn’t need another dose till 9am. Almost 12 hours. THAT is amazing in itself as he usually takes 2 Oxy’s every 4-5hrs. He slept all night long. That hasn’t happened in months either.

I felt overwhelmed at being back in my ‘home’ church. It felt good to sing my hymns.

Christmas day was good. Nick was well rested, the kids well behaved, the food turned out awesome……

And on a HIGH note, we Skyped with Matteo on Christmas day for almost half an hour. He got to say hello to everyone……it was wonderful…I miss him

Corvin: Will be moving Dec 30th to a new host family. He’s been hacking up a lung for 2 days and NOT covering his mouth. So now I sound like Kermit the frog. Man, if Nick gets this…… I will be an unhappy camper.

Corvin isn’t doing his best to become part of our family. He doesn’t like the little kids to ‘bother him’. He’s always on my computer playing Legands. I’ve watched him play. It looks stoopid. He wouldn’t go with to Lucas’ birthday party yesterday. He wasn’t very communicative during Christmas. He sat at my desk with his feet up ignoring us.

I’ve had enough. I don’t need the stress of babysitting him, constantly being on him to do whatever, set the table, BE AT THE TABLE for the meal instead of taking a bite and running back to MY computer.

Where he is going, there are kids his age, mom is HOME to make sure he doesn’t pull the ‘not going to school’ thing, he will HAVE to go to the volleyball, baseball, basketball, wrestling things.
I just don’t have any of ME left to deal with his antics.

He doesn’t want to go. But he won’t shape up. So I’m done. I feel bad. But I feel NO guilt at this. I tried………….he wouldn’t help.

And I will have a mess to clean up in his room when he’s gone. That’s ok. It will give me time to mourn alone.

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The aftermath…………….

I had told myself over and over that I wouldn’t get my hopes up that the doctors at the world re-known Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN would give us better news.

Well…..apparently I had subconsciously done just that.

With the likes of Ronald Reagan, Shah of Iran, Tommy Chong, Michael York, the not so illustrious Rev. Jesse Jackson, and many other celebrities and *gasp* ‘famous people’ going there for treatment, it’s GOT to be great right?

I was planning on going to Rochester after work today, spend the night with Nick in his motel, finish up with whatever appointments were Thursday then come home.

He was already home when I got there last night. I literally stood there with my mouth hanging open.

The doctors over in Roch looked over his tests, scans, x-rays, more tests, more scans and stuff.

“We feel the doctors in LaCrosse did a thorough job. We don’t feel there is anymore we, here in Rochester, can do for you. So we won’t waste your time and money. Just go home and enjoy Christmas.”

10-12 months if he does Chemo. Less if he doesn’t.

To say we are devastated is putting it mildly.

I was too stunned last night to feel much.

Today…………is another story.


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….is a day I thought I’d be doing better with being up and at work.

Nick spent the night in Rochester with his brother. I really thought it would give me a night to just relax.

I couldn’t sleep.

Took a 1/2 tablet of Tylenol PM at 1am.

I think that was a mistake……………

Sheesh………….I couldn’t hardly drag my ass outta bed this morning.

But at least I got some rest. Even if it was only about 4 hours.

Nick is in Rochester. Doing ‘extensive testing’.

Last night in the mail is an authorization letter for him to go to Rochester. It’s authorizing 4 office visits. All tests WE’LL have to pay for.


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Just how much …..

…..have they missed?

i am exhausted

Nick did nothing but sleep yesterday. All day. I don’t think he was awake more than 2 hours.

This can’t be right unless this crap is progressing faster than they thought.

Nick goes to Rochester tonight for 3 days of ‘extensive testing’

Let’s hope they give us a better prognosis than Chemo till you die.

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I’m in hell.

I know it.

My anger right now, is about boiling over.

Nick’s pain took a HUGE leap this morning.

And my exchange student decided to pull a headache thing on me and did not go to school.


I’m done. I can’t do the babysitting thing and take care of Nick too. He will be moving to a new family on the 30th because I just can’t do it anymore.

Then last night I blew up at Nick.

He had an appointment yesterday about his rib pain. They finally figured it out. But I FOUND out by having to listen to snippets of conversation Nick had with a guy I don’t want in our lives again. The guy screwed Nick over for 30 years and has caused nothing but trouble for us……

I’m done.

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I’m getting overwhelmed….

The outpouring of love and friendship is getting to be more than I can absorb!

Can you believe THAT????

Now I have a friend coming Saturday morning to put up my tree for me!

How awesome!!

I just don’t have the spirit I used to when Christmas rolls around. I got my cards out and mailed. That’s about all I’ve done except shop. I need to sort and wrap and I don’t really want to. She is planning on helping me with that too!

Nick has an appointment in Rochester Mayo on Tuesday.

I really hope he comes home with good news.

I can’t take any more bad. I’m becoming too numb

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Wellspring of strength……

I find I am strong when I’m with Nick. I find myself with a ‘take charge’ attitude and get things done for him that need being done.

But I can break down by myself easily. ……I feel all the despair and heartache in watching him wither away.

But then, I’ve always been that way…..When Brandon (my oldest son) was in ICU at 3 months, at 8, when we discovered he was allergic to bees….when Adam (#2 son) broke his arm at 3…..Megann and her 4 days of 104° fever, all the little things that happen …I was fine till we knew the kids were fine. Then I’d go outside, have a cigarette, and break down.

But this is SO much more than what I’ve ever had to deal with….Cancer is the worst thing, there are so many twists and turns to it, the side effects, the after effects, the not knowing, the unknown, the constant barrage of doctor appointments and labs, needles poking you till you are afraid to go swimming for fear of filling up thru all the holes and drowning…..

But it just came to me today, as I was ‘talking’ via blog with my dear friend, Val.

I had no idea I had a well of strength to draw from.

Then I realized….my friends keep filling it up.


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