I find I am strong when I’m with Nick. I find myself with a ‘take charge’ attitude and get things done for him that need being done.
But I can break down by myself easily. ……I feel all the despair and heartache in watching him wither away.
But then, I’ve always been that way…..When Brandon (my oldest son) was in ICU at 3 months, at 8, when we discovered he was allergic to bees….when Adam (#2 son) broke his arm at 3…..Megann and her 4 days of 104° fever, all the little things that happen …I was fine till we knew the kids were fine. Then I’d go outside, have a cigarette, and break down.
But this is SO much more than what I’ve ever had to deal with….Cancer is the worst thing, there are so many twists and turns to it, the side effects, the after effects, the not knowing, the unknown, the constant barrage of doctor appointments and labs, needles poking you till you are afraid to go swimming for fear of filling up thru all the holes and drowning…..
But it just came to me today, as I was ‘talking’ via blog with my dear friend, Val.
I had no idea I had a well of strength to draw from.
Then I realized….my friends keep filling it up.