breathe in …breathe out…..

Nick is at the Clinic for labs and a visit with his oncologist as I type. We may find out today when his first Chemo treatment is.

Saturday this came to our house…..wood-on-trailer.jpeg

I set it up secretly and Nick is so pleased……We also got a ‘new to us’ wood stove in the basement. The guys that cut this all up, also hauled that down for us.


Sunday Nick’s family came over. While Nick was in the other room on the phone with his sis in CA, the family started asking questions.

I told them it’s all NICK’S decision on Chemo. Yes, he’s planning on trying it, but if he decides his quality of life is not there, he has the option of opting out. And I will stand behind whatever decision he makes 100% because it IS his decision.

We are planning a benefit for Nick in April. Just letting you all know for whoever wants to donate an item or make the trek here. You are welcome to come.

I need to go back to breathing again.

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I don’t know if I can keep doing this…..

Nick is back in the hospital. A mass on his pancreas is causing trouble with his liver and he had become jaundiced.

So 3 organs have spots, the one on the liver – the size of a golf ball. The one on his kidney, I have no idea. They haven’t said. The mass on his pancreas…..WAS NOT ON THE ULTRASOUND done on Nov 23rd.

All are inoperable and Dr. G is 99% sure they are all cancerous based on how gastric cancer ‘behaves’.

This is SO not good news. And he and I need to do a LOT of preparing.

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One year ago today…..

And the day’s date was 12/5 but it was the end of the first week of Chemo/Radiation.

Nick had let that little white car go by him while he waited to pull out and head to LaCrosse for his last Radiation Treatment of the first week. 5 down. 20 to go.

2 miles down the road he came across that little white car again… a stop facing him in his lane…..still rocking from the impact. The driver of the cube van was trying to get out of the cab and was already on his cell calling 911.

Nick pulled over and ran to the car. He could tell she was already gone. He then ran over to the other driver…..”She just kept coming at me!! she just kept coming at me!!”

We went to her wake. Nick just felt the need. To tell the family how sorry he was she died. Being first on the scene really affected him.

The first thing we noticed at the wake was a heavy aroma of alcohol. Then we noticed most people walking around with drinks in their hands. One woman was obviously intoxicated. How disrespectful….was all Nick and I could think as we looked at each other.

Almost all of the photos of the memorial collage they made…..had alcohol in them. Only a few didn’t.

Not a SINGLE person came up to us to ask us how we knew her.

They all just looked at us……

We didn’t stay long. Didn’t even sign the guestbook

So when did Alcohol become acceptable at a wake??


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Thursday…AKA Day 4 of the hostage thing….

It’s Thursday. And Nick finally is going to try to go back to work. He had a 7:20am doc appointment then on to work for a few hours.

He’s so exhausted. He’s in constant pain. I’m really thinking that the radiation was a mistake.

Nick called me at 12:30 and he sounded WHIPPED. He was heading home from work. He talked to his boss about all of this and P said he’d work with Nick so he won’t lose his insurance.

Thank Gawd!

And for some reason the docs aren’t getting it. JANUARY 1 YOUR INSURANCE STARTS OVER WITH THE DEDUCTIBLE…so when did they schedule the MRI?

For January 1.

Nick’s other doc called and chewed some ass.

Fingers crossed.

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One year ago today….

Nick started Chemo/Radiation.

This is from my archives from today one year ago:

Our Thanksgiving was pretty durn good with 20 people at our table this year. Both sides of our family were there to celebrate all that WE have to be thankful for this year.

At one point, I looked around the table and saw both babies sitting next to each other just having a ball, their mommies next to them….His brothers, my parents, my son, my daughter, our grand-babies…..7 of the 8…………it got a bit overwhelming and I just left the table and went to the bathroom for a bit….My eyes leaked.
The Chemo pills (They were ‘missing’….) he was to start taking WERE at the pharmacy. They just forgot to call and TELL us they were there. So I get to pick them up tonite before I head home.
Today was his first bout of Radiation. He forgot to take his anti-nausea pills with him. They said ‘you have 30 minutes to get home before you feel it.’ I’m waiting to hear if anything happened or not. I’m thinking it’s been over an hour….he’s not feeling good.
(phone rings)
Well speak of the devil. He took the pills that dissolve under his tongue and he is doing OK. He’ll bring them with and we’ll try supper tonite! Fingers crossed and all that.

I hope you all had a day to celebrate what we do have to be thankful for…

A year ago. He was doing MUCH better than today. Treatment is such a crap shoot. Our neighbor had bladder cancer and no chemo/radiation. He’s back to “Normal”. The cancer was IN his bladder but not attached to it but they removed the whole bladder anyway, and he now has a bag. But is doing FINE. Back to his old self.

Ultrasound for today is cancelled. They want to go right to an MRI……again. So again we wait as that needs insurance approval…..

My life will never be mine again. I can see that now.

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