It’s Crash and Burn day ….

So it is pump removal day. Nick will slowly feel crappier all day today till the pump comes off late this afternoon.Nick and Sue button

Tonight, he’ll crash and sleep for 2-3 days. His blood work was so much ‘healthier’ this time so maybe it won’t be so bad. But he’s got the ‘shards of glass while drinking cold’ already (on Wed, Chemo day) and the tingling in his fingertips, too. Who knows what symptoms he’ll get and what will be permanent and what will be temporary.

Temporary…….*laughs sadly*……What can be temporary when you have no chance of BEATING the cancer this time. I’m hoping for the best but preparing for the worst…….what else can I do?

I keep thinking I’ll wake up and this will be all over. Nick will be fine. We’ll have our life back. He’ll put on 20lbs and look and feel SO much better.

Then reality hits and I’m upset, hurt, sad and angry all over again.

Such a roller coaster of emotions every stinkin’ day….I never know what will set me off. And I don’t like being this ‘unstable’ feeling.

A couple who are our friends, have split up. She will stay at the house. He will be staying with us for a while. I’m looking at this with mixed feelings. He cannot afford to rent a SECOND place while continuing to pay for the house. I would like someone here to help out with the ‘man’ stuff – keeping the wood stove going, hauling in wood, clearing the steps and sidewalk, lifting the heavy stuff since Nick can’t anymore. I don’t know how long he plans to stay. Probably till the house sells but it’s been on the market on and off for several years now…………..It’s a cool house so I don’t get why it hasn’t sold yet.

So the benefit is taking on a life of its own……I’m glad…..I hope it is a huge success and Nick can forget worrying about paying off his bills and his ‘end of life’ expenses…..They weigh heavy on him.






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Chemo treatment #2

So here he is all hooked up and drippin’…..The paper he is looking at is the BEST lab results we’ve had in a while. May just frame that puppy.

The first thing they do is give him like 7 pills. A mixture of steroids and anti nausea. Then they hook up Charlotte Nottingham Smythe….(Charlie is the single IV -hearkens back from the time I was in the hospital for 11 days after getting my gallbladder removed) Charlotte has 2 or more of those pumping thingamabobs on it. This one here has 3 with 4 bags. So Charlie is a little too simple for it. (don’t forget the English accent as you say the name….hey, I have to get my giggles where I can OK??? Back off)

He had a bit of lunch while he was there. Chicken soup, half a grilled ham/cheese, potatoes and gravy. (pretty good amount considering…..)

At 3pm he’s getting unhooked, flushed, take home pump hooked up, bandaged up and off we go. This time we only needed to get some gas and head home. We picked up Subway in G’ville. Each got a foot long with the coupons I had. $6 for any (black forest ham for him, roast beast for me) We ate when we got home around 4:30pm. He had half his foot long, plus a big glass of chocolate milk…then a couple more bites of the OTHER half of his…WOOOOOOOOT!!

At 8pm, he ate the OTHER half!!! He put on 1.5 pounds! I know it’s from the steroids and I know it won’t last, but every little thing helps.

Friday at 4pm, he will crash. And burn. And sleep for 3 days.

But on Monday, God willing, he will start perking back up again.

I have to say thank you again for all your prayers, your good wishes and your support. I don’t think either of us would get thru it without it.

organ donar

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I don’t know what to say today…

…and yet I feel I need to document something every day.

Last night, neither of us could sleep. I saw 4:30am before I finally felt tired enough to doze off. I feel if I sleep, I’ll lose time with him. Yet we both need rest.

We are hoping to go to IL this weekend but that won’t happen if he goes down Friday night after his Chemo pump is removed.

Sunday morning we were laying in bed talking. I said we need to do NORMAL things. Just normal things like we used to. Nick agreed with me. So I said “Well, let’s get up and ready for church! How UNNORMAL is that for US???”

We had a good laugh.

But we are liking this church….so off we went!!

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Things swirl through my mind….

There are so many things but this list pops out on here right now…..

Strange things like:

-What am I going to do with all this STUFF?

-I do NOT want to be on the dating scene again.

-Where am I going to rent a hospital bed?

-sorting and boxing…..oh man.

-I have to remember how to start that snow blower!

-Why can’t they cure this??

-I am not getting rid of that Ford 8N. I’m just going to have to learn how to drive it.

-sitting home alone ………………?

-meals for one again.

And the one that brings me to my knees……

-how the HELL am I going to live without him!?!? HOW??


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In WI and MN? We call it Tuesday

Fox News

Record snow set to slam Washington

DC braces for potentially historic snowstorm

The powerful winter storm bearing down on Washington D.C. and several states has “life and death implications,” Mayor Muriel Bowser warned Friday as she urged people to prepare for more than 2 feet of snow. <—-everyone HAS BEEN WARNED!!! So ……… let’s not have all these deaths people. Get your milk and bread two days ago and HUNKER DOWN!! Enjoy the beautiful snow!

I always get peeved when I read these kinds of headlines. laugh

I’ve been living through these POTENTIALLY HISTORIC SNOWSTORMS!! weather all my life and I’m still here 50someodd years later. It’s called common sense people. Let’s use it. They forecast this crap DAYS ahead of time. Buy groceries THEN not the DAY OF. You shouldn’t even be OUTSIDE on those days!!! And if you are, and you get stuck or hurt? I have very little sympathy for you. Sorry.

Like I said. Common sense…

And it has died.

Last night, Nick ate a whole enchilada! And 3/4 glass of white milk! (That’s about double what he usually eats!) He feels so good and spent 6 hours in the garage! 3 of which he actually DID something!

I know tho, that next Thursday won’t be so good. Chemo on Wednesday and Friday when the pump comes off is typical of when the feeling bad starts. The first one, he only felt really bad for a couple days. We were expecting worse.

We do know, however, that it will continue to get worse with each treatment. After 4 then we find out just how much ‘good’, if you can call what he goes thru good, it will do.

Our dog has just been so clingy to Nick for the last 2 months. That worries me. Because we all know…..animals know.

The benefit is shaping up. We have lots of donations so far. And can always use more. I’d like to find some more $10 gift cards for door prizes and some things for kids to win.

I have a few months yet.



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I am running on empty….

In case any of you are interested……..My daughter did an awesome job writing this up. At least go read it…..? I’ll forward your comments from here on to her. She is one awesome young lady and I love her. Bushel and a Peck.


All I could do last night was tear up.

Taking care of Nick is just wearing me out. And I get that. I know. I KNEW it would be difficult.


–We had to be to the hospital at 7am. Nick got his permanent stent checked and the tube removed. YES!

–off to the cancer center for lab work and Dr. G appointment.

–They cancelled Nick’s chemo. His blood work #’s were too low. Dr.G didn’t tell us that as she had looked at the #’s from MONDAY, not WEDNESDAY.

–so after 6 hours of sitting at the cancer center for a second round of labs where they verified his blood work was too low, we went to my daughter’s house as ….

I had a wake for a classmates mom 45 minutes away from LaCrosse the OTHER direction. No way to take Nick all the way home and back track all the way back. So he stayed at my daughter’s while I went, picked up the folks, and headed to the wake at the church (where the church is in Minnesota and the parking lot is in Iowa.)

It was so nice to see Carol & Tim, Danny, and Charlie again, and meet some of Carol’s children. It was a nice ‘reunion’……….then I walked up to see Carolyn.

All I could see in the coffin was Nick. I had to keep closing my eyes to see Carolyn in there.

And on top of being so damn exhausted…………….it was a rough night last night.


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Tomorrow is Treatment #2


……….and I have a wake in Eitzen to go to. I’ve known this woman for like 50 years. Her daughter and I graduated high school together. I have to go.

I cannot run him all the way home then drive all the way back to Eitzen. I’d be on the road for HOURS. 30 min to Chemo, 3 hours at Chemo, 45 minutes to Eitzen, over an hour home.  It will be a LONG day. Add another 2 hours minimum if I have to run him home then go back…backtrackin’ like crazy!

Just got a text from the daughter. She’s got stomach flu. So I can’t leave him there.

Last time Nick felt pretty good on Chemo day (TH), and the day after(F). It was the 3rd day(Sat) after they took the pump off he started feeling crappy and was down till the next Wednesday.

I’m hoping that’s how he’ll do again this time. We already know that each one will get successively worse for him.

He’s fluctuating between 122-124lbs now. But at least he’s not still going down.  Hopefully he can hold here then start going back up. He felt really good from Wednesday to yesterday.

is monday gone yet Thank GOD!!

Monday Nick had a permanent stent put in his liver. I dropped him off at the hospital and went on to work. I was there by 7am so I planned on leaving at 3:30pm. Took a 20 minute lunch so I ended up leaving at 3:20pm. Went to buy grandson #4 his birthday gifts, then on to Goodwill where I found a PERFECT frame….or 2….or 3….ok, 5 of them. I had planned on getting EVERYTHING on my list at the first store.

WHAT??? STORES DON’T STOCK CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER ANYMORE??? I ended up going to THREE STORES to get what was on my list!!!

So much for getting home at 5. I didn’t get home till after 6pm.


And now a funny from yesterday…..

I’m cracking UP HERE!!!
I finally talked to Nick at 3:30pm yesterday. He was home and in bed.
When I called, he was really out of it from the ‘surgery’ he had. (The permanent stent in his liver.)
Anyway…I’m talking to him, he’s slurring words and I can hardly understand him. He is trying to tell me the cat Sprint was TEARING something apart COULDN’T I HEAR HIM????
It didn’t make a lot of sense for the noise I could hear in the background.
So last night, we were laying in bed talking and I asked him about what Sprint could have torn apart as there was no mess in the house…….
“I don’t know. I could just hear him.”
Then I asked if he had seen our friend Larry. He had called me at work yesterday to let me know that he was stopping to throw some wood in for us.
It all clicked in place.
He was hearing Larry throwing in wood. Not the CAT tearing the house apart!!
I’m still chuckling…..


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I wrote this to my friend Katey…..

Nick and Sue by BecI could vent and rage and piss and moan and be angry…..
But it will do NO ONE any good.
No one.
not even me.
There are times I write things and I get mad.  But it won’t change his diagnosis.
So I sit here, writing to people, and cry.
Doesn’t cleanse my soul or make me feel better.  It just is what my body, mind, and eyes do now.
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I’m agreeing with this one

take time to live because time passes quickly

In early December, Nick was given 10-12 months. We are already at mid January. Does this mean we are at 8 – 10months now?

I feel like the finish line is coming up and I can’t stop it.

When I was on my way home last night, I got a text from Nick “Pull ur car to garage” I’m like huh? I took Friday afternoon off so we could change oil.

Well…he had the garage all warm and cozy and we did it last night. He was in his old coveralls and looked like he did last summer. He was zippin’ around, getting the car jacked up, took off the drain plug, and all the stuff needed. Then he looked at me as I started filling the oil…”I’m done.” And he crashed. He just wore out quick then.

So now, this afternoon, the 2 of us can spend the time with the Grandson instead.

Saturday, I’m going to Lansing, IA and Horsefalls. If you haven’t been………go. It’s a treat.


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