Nick asked me last night why I was in such a good mood.
I wasn’t really. I’m just feeling lost. I’m feeling so helpless and hopeless I no longer know what to do when I get home at night besides clean, laundry, change sheets AGAIN and stare at the TV if I have any time left. I should be working on Taxes. No energy to do that. I get in this mode of “how do I do this after he’s gone?” and just do mind numbing stuff.
So last night, I was just busy and smiling and and and whatever I could to cajole him into eating. We had 4 oranges and a piece of banana bread last night. He had almost a whole cheeseburger and most of a Culver’s sundae yesterday lunch and an English Muffin for breakfast.
For him lately? That’s a LOT.
We are friends with another couple that is on a cancer journey with us. Where their path is going well…..Nick’s has not. His journey may just be coming to an end. Unless Chemo does significant damage to the cancer growing on his liver, pancreas and left kidney……..then I will lose him in the next 10 months.
He thinks less. (He’s wondering if he’ll make his benefit in April.)
I am not sad, mad, angry, upset that R is getting better while Nick is not. Hell no! I’m so happy for them that things are going RIGHT after all the troubles they had while R was going thru treatment. This isn’t some kind of contest. I don’t begrudge them their happiness that things are going well for R. It’s a VICTORY!! And I hope R continues to be the victor. ( I almost wrote vicar…..THERE’S a visual!!)
This is life.
And I hope V,R and I stay friends long after this journey of Nick’s is over.