I’m lost….just lost…..

Nick asked me last night why I was in such a good mood.

I wasn’t really.  I’m just feeling lost. I’m feeling so helpless and hopeless I no longer know what to do when I get home at night besides clean, laundry, change sheets AGAIN and stare at the TV if I have any time left. I should be working on Taxes. No energy to do that. I get in this mode of “how do I do this after he’s gone?” and just do mind numbing stuff.

So last night, I was just busy and smiling and and and whatever I could to cajole him into eating. We had 4 oranges and a piece of banana bread last night. He had almost a whole cheeseburger and most of a Culver’s sundae yesterday lunch and an English Muffin for breakfast.

For him lately? That’s a LOT.

We are friends with another couple that is on a cancer journey with us. Where their path is going well…..Nick’s has not. His journey may just be coming to an end. Unless Chemo does significant damage to the cancer growing on his liver, pancreas and left kidney……..then I will lose him in the next 10 months.

He thinks less. (He’s wondering if he’ll make his benefit in April.)


I am not sad, mad, angry, upset that R is getting better while Nick is not. Hell no! I’m so happy for them that things are going RIGHT after all the troubles they had while R was going thru treatment. This isn’t some kind of contest. I don’t begrudge them their happiness that things are going well for R.  It’s a VICTORY!! And I hope R continues to be the victor. ( I almost wrote vicar…..THERE’S a visual!!)

This is life.

And I hope V,R and I stay friends long after this journey of Nick’s is over.


About Boo

Grandmother to 10....no 11....or is it 12 now? Getting back into life after losing the love of my life to cancer. Read my struggles with daily life........or don't. But I hope it helps ONE person get thru the same thing I went thru......
This entry was posted in Me. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I’m lost….just lost…..

  1. Katherine Ballensky says:

    Hi Sue. First a huge dose of (((HUGS))).

    Next ~ there have been many times that I have what they call ‘cancer survivor’s guilt’ which is simply feeling bad or sad or uncomfortable becuz I keep surviving this cancer I have been fighting since age 32 when the friends I know and interact with who have cancer are so much worse off. I want you to know I appreciate your attitude you have shared here about your friends.

    Next ~ when my Daddy was going through all his treatments including chemo and radiation and some other cancer drugs thrown in his weight dropped then plateaued for a When he was in his last 8 weeks we were supplementing with a kind canned drink similar to Ensure. Perhaps try the different flavors of ensure with Nick? Or another similar kind of protein fortified canned shake drink.

    LOVE YOU!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Val Ewing says:

    We never know where our journeys are going to take us.
    When Rich was so sick, I took out moments to find happiness because if I hadn’t done that I would have dried up and disappeared. I would have become a hollow shell.
    Goodness no contest. LOL, Rich is NO vicar at all…far from an angel.
    We live every day knowing that the tables can turn.
    I never thought you would be upset that Rich is continuing to follow a good and healing path. You are not that type of person.

    Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s