Dare we hope?

Nick ‘turned a corner’ Wednesday morning.

He didn’t wear his down coat in the house much yesterday.

He ATE!

And he didn’t take ONE nap all day!!

The Chemo side effects ‘wore off’. Hopefully he’ll be feeling pretty good till next Wednesday morning when he goes in for Chemo again.

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Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he came in, took off his sweat pants, his thermal shirt, looked at me…..and JUMPED into bed!

I LOOOOOKED at him and said “You been practicing that all day??????”

Ya, he was feeling pretty decent for a change. He USUALLY climbs slowly and painfully into bed. He literally jumped up on the bed, landed on his hands and knees, looked at me…….

…..and grinned.

It was a good feeling.

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Chemo Fog….

Nick didn’t really get it.

I did.

I can’t get paperwork together to save my soul. I have so many things to do I am just overwhelmed. And I’m getting scared I am missing deadlines. His SS, my ex’s pension I’m to get pay’ts on………bills are auto pay from our checking , Thank God.

There seems to be NOTHING I can do to motivate myself….I look at the stack of papers I need to go thru and ……………………. go to MyPoints Games and play Mahjong Dimensions.

I’ve never been this way before. I always do paperwork and pay’ts asap. This is why our credit ratings are in the upper 700’s.

It’s driving me nuts and I have no idea how to fix it.

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I’m lost….just lost…..

Nick asked me last night why I was in such a good mood.

I wasn’t really.  I’m just feeling lost. I’m feeling so helpless and hopeless I no longer know what to do when I get home at night besides clean, laundry, change sheets AGAIN and stare at the TV if I have any time left. I should be working on Taxes. No energy to do that. I get in this mode of “how do I do this after he’s gone?” and just do mind numbing stuff.

So last night, I was just busy and smiling and and and whatever I could to cajole him into eating. We had 4 oranges and a piece of banana bread last night. He had almost a whole cheeseburger and most of a Culver’s sundae yesterday lunch and an English Muffin for breakfast.

For him lately? That’s a LOT.

We are friends with another couple that is on a cancer journey with us. Where their path is going well…..Nick’s has not. His journey may just be coming to an end. Unless Chemo does significant damage to the cancer growing on his liver, pancreas and left kidney……..then I will lose him in the next 10 months.

He thinks less. (He’s wondering if he’ll make his benefit in April.)

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I am not sad, mad, angry, upset that R is getting better while Nick is not. Hell no! I’m so happy for them that things are going RIGHT after all the troubles they had while R was going thru treatment. This isn’t some kind of contest. I don’t begrudge them their happiness that things are going well for R.  It’s a VICTORY!! And I hope R continues to be the victor. ( I almost wrote vicar…..THERE’S a visual!!)

This is life.

And I hope V,R and I stay friends long after this journey of Nick’s is over.

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Well, the posters are going up….

………..so it makes things more real.

Yesterday, the Chemo must have sucked all his strength. He ate decent at supper. Chili is his FAVORITE…..so he had a good sized (for him) bowl. WITH cheese!!! (the more calories the better)

We think he may have bottomed out at 123lbs. So far he’s staying there. Sometimes he JUMPS! to 123.5lbs.

He has no where left to lose any….His thighs are the size of my forearm.

This is getting too frustrating……

His first Chemo went ok……no nausea but then they loaded him up first, then gave him 2 Rx’s for more. But he is incredibly tired. I just got off the phone with him and he needed to take a nap. Got up at 9am…..it’s now 11:10am. 2 hours and he’s worn out.

I’m most likely going to set up a GoFundMe account for Nick.
I’ll share the link in here later.

Hugs to you all and thank you for being there for us.

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It is Sunday night….

Nick is all tucked into bed. I put fresh sheets on ……..again. We have several pairs of fleece sheets. Thanks to our dear friend Kim showing us the joys of them with our first set…while Nick was in the hospital in early Dec, I had my daughter pick up another set for us. They keep him so much warmer.

I have several stops to make on the way home from work tomorrow. Anything that keeps me from getting home right away……”What time will u b home?” I can almost hear the fear in his voice coming thru on his texts.

It’s like I’m in Spring Cleaning Mode. Rearranged the living room, changed the sheets, did 3 loads of laundry, vacuumed the living room, dining room and our bedroom, put away a LOT of crap….

…and ended up with another cat for a couple months.

Nick’s brother goes to Arizona for the winter. We ended up with ‘the cat.’ Nick’s mom’s cat to be exact. She’s 15 years old now. Brother B ended up with her. And now we have her while they are gone. She’s SO overweight she can hardly walk.  “If we don’t give her tuna, she whines!”

This will be a difficult few months……

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It’s a little different when you hear it….out loud

Stage 4.

Terminal.

I don’t know if I’m processing that or not.

But I shuddered.

Yesterday’s Chemo went fairly smooth as far as how HE felt. The glitches were that they’ve never seen a ‘Smart Port’ before. They’ve always used ‘Power Ports’. Apparently the Smart Port is the latest thing in ports. And yet no one was sure how to use it so they had to go look it up. *facepalms*

But he got all 4 bags of his ‘stuff’ and still felt OK. They had loaded him up with anti nausea medications first.  His appointment was for 8am. He finally got all hooked up at 10:30am. We left the hospital at 2:30pm, went to his work, where once again we discovered he still has insurance even tho he only worked 6 hours in December, a stop for a couple Rx’s, a couple bags of oranges and off home we went. Didn’t get there till after 5pm.

And now we are back to washing anything his ‘bodily fluids’ touch asap in hot soapy water. No more letting the dog do his thing drinking out of the toilet bowl, I am sposed to wear gloves…? (didn’t the first time either) and so many things to remember that they should send home an advocate to help you all day for those 2 days.

Saturday we have to go into Urgent Care to have them remove the pump. And they BETTER not charge us for an urgent care visit.

The next appointment is to be Wednesday, Jan 20th. We get home and notice it’s for Thursday, January 21st. *throws hands in the air*

After 4 treatments, they’ll do a couple scans. If it’s backing the cancer off, then we continue. If it’s not…..then more decisions to be made.

And so it continues….

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The gift box finally arrived!

So I know now, it takes almost a month for a box to go from Ettrick to Italy.

Sheesh!!

I better mail Matteo’s birthday present NOW!!!

This T-shirt just cracked me up!! I can just see my ‘son’ wearing this to school and his classmates just SCRATCHIN’ their heads as he rolls on the floor laughing….heh heh hehmatteo in ettrick shirt

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Waiting…..and waiting……

So Thursday is Nick’s first Chemo Treatment.

We are both nervous and worried and scared about how sick he’ll get. He is so worried about spending 3 days in bed with a puke bucket instead of me.

Because as much as I love him, that sound will have ME in bed with a puke bucket too. And both of us doing that?

ugh.

I’m finding I really hate the ‘unknown’.

It’s unknown how he’ll feel after his Chemo treatment.

It’s unknown if it will have any effect on his cancer.

It’s unknown how long before Nick decides he has no ‘quality of life’ and stops his treatments.

They said 10-12 months a month ago;  it’s unknown if that is more with treatment or less without.

I have SO much freakin’ paperwork to do I don’t know WHICH end is up.

Calgon?

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My heart is breaking…

Last night as we crawled in bed, I said to Nick “I REALLY don’t want to go back to work.” He replied, “I want you to stay home, too.”

He clings to me when I’m home. He’s not happy when I have to leave. He told me that he just wants to be home and hold me. Sometimes the desperation in his voice just about undoes me. I don’t like leaving him, but I do have to work. I don’t have a choice.

The holidays were pretty good. He did OK…..he just gets so cold so fast. But then he’s lost 39lbs. He’s so thin it’s almost scary. We think he may have bottomed out at 123lbs. He’s stayed at this weight a few days now.

So please keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming….We really do appreciate them.

 

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