Urgent care…again…..

Wednesday Feb 17, Nick went in for Chemo and a sore side. They ended up putting this new stent and tube out of his liver.

The tube comes out his side between the bottom two ribs. It’s been sore….it’s also been seeping.

Friday night, I put this hunk of gauze on it, taped it up and off we went to the fish fry. We left early since Nick didn’t feel very well. We went home, cuddled on the couch and Mr. & Mrs. Excitement went to bed by like 9:30pm.

Saturday morning, I took one look at that hunk of gauze and called the nurse hot line. It was full of yellow liquid. Everyone knows bile, the yellow fluid your liver produces to help digest your food. This is what it looked like. Every time he breathed, a few drops would leak out.

So off to Urgent Care we went. They cleaned him up, took samples, did a CT Scan and discovered it’s an infection. Which, on one hand isn’t good, but on the other hand, 2 Rx’s and we were on our way HOME instead of on our way to 3 more days in the hospital.

I’m changing bandages every morning and night. And the stream of yellow seems to be slowing down. We didn’t do much this weekend……

And I can tell.

I look at my legs and go UGH….

blink of an eye

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Some good? news perhaps?

sometimes the strongest women.jpg

Nick had his first Chemo in weeks yesterday. He spent from 1:30pm til 5pm “with his bags.” No more pump to come home with him for 46 hours. His ‘recipe’ has been tweaked. Let’s hope, pray, and sacrifice hamsters, gerbils, and some ex husbands, that this works.

He’s feeling pretty good this morning…..so…….

Remember a few weeks ago when I let you all know that it had moved to his lungs? We were told there were multiple spots.

There is one. About a millimeter big in his lower left lung. Close to the area where the tumor was in his stomach. It’s not ‘multiple spots in both lungs’ as we were first told.

One little tiny spot.

But it’s there.

But it’s one tiny spot…in one lung……not multiples in both.

We have so many people coming to stay for a few days here and there the whole month of March. Now another friend is coming over from across the pond. She’s having a time figuring out how to get from Chicago to here via Train or Bus. And now she’s checking Minneapolis…..

My house will be SO clean all month!!! Maybe into April!!

People have been overwhelmingly kind and helpful and generous and wow….I’m just bowled over. Nick can barely get out how grateful he is for our friends and family.

And he’s finding out just how wide my network of friends is.

I cannot begin to thank everyone enough…..I have no idea how in this magnitude.

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What? Me? Panic?


I’m thinkin’ I’ll need some tequila in my little brown bag…….

As I was driving home last night, I started crying. Then I couldn’t breathe….

Let me tell ya, when you are driving and you can’t breathe? you shouldn’t be driving…..

I have been trying to get Nick to ‘breathe’ during his pain before the Oxy’s kick in. Sometimes he waits 5 minutes too long and it takes 15 for them to kick in. So he pays for it when he does not take them every 4 hours on the dot.

So I’ve been doing the breathing exercises lately, which helped last night driving home. I really had to concentrate to breathe and not hyperventilate.

And I’m sure I’m gonna need those exercises again.

But I think I’d prefer the brown bag remedy.



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They have given him…..

……..This is a term we keep hearing right now.

They ‘gave’ him 10-12 months last December.

Last Thursdays they ‘gave’ him a couple months.

My first thought? How DARE they only ‘give’ him a couple months.

Give him a couple YEARS yet. We have grandchildren to spoil!! Lennox will NOT understand “Papa’s not here honey. Papa’s not here.”

And neither will the rest…..

and neither do I anymore…..


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I have no title today….

Nick was admitted to the hospital yesterday.

They removed the permanent stent they put in a month ago.

They put in ANOTHER stent.

The ER doc told the nurses that were making him comfortable in his room last night, that the cancer will most likely just crush this stent as it’s growing faster than first thought.

They will reassess doing more Chemo. Apparently it’s not doing much other than make him ill.

He slept good last night but then we are both exhausted. He had drugs. I didn’t.

Hopefully the doc will come in while I’m there over noon.

This is all I know right now.


I’m numb.

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ER again….TWICE!!

We are running today on 4 hours of sleep.

The flare up that was starting at 7:40am when he dropped me off….never finished flaring all the way up.

At 1pm yesterday, he almost drove himself 30 miles to the ER but held out for the Oxys to catch up. This pain happened again at 8:20pm last night and again at 2am this morning.
He dropped me off at work at 7:40am and it was starting to flare up again.
Of course, by 7:55am when he got into the ER it decided it wasn’t gonna SHOW ITSELF to the docs. 10:40am – He’s now been at the ER for over 2 1/2hrs. He left his phone at home so I have to figure out how to contact him.

Sooooooooooo the wonderful flirty nurse in the ER said he’s doing fine (because she showered and smells good)

They did blood work. (good enough for Chemo!! yay!) How sad is that?? To be happy to have Chemo??
When I talked to him a bit ago and he had just gotten back from a scan.
I’m almost afraid to find out how much those tumors have grown since they haven’t hit it with Chemo every 2 weeks. Today should be Chemo #4. It’s #3.
He should be done with his Chemo around 3 or 3:30pm. Hopefully he won’t be too tired to drive otherwise I will need to find a ride to the Cancer Center.
¬†And now for the SECOND trip to the ER…..
Yesterday morning (somewhere around 3:30am if I understand Dad right), my mother took it upon herself to add to my list of worries by tripping, falling and breaking her right elbow. To the point she may need surgery.
laundry in oven
Dad finally called me around 3:30pm yesterday to let me know. I was at the other hospital’s ER by 4pm. She’s in good spirits, doing fine, and headed home by 4:30pm. I called at 8pm and she sounded fine. I’ll be calling again later this afternoon.
She didn’t even want Dad to call me because she didn’t want to worry me. If they hadn’t, you know I’da been upset they had not called.
It’s all good.
Donations for the benefit keeps pouring in. I’m amazed every day.
UPDATE: They put Nick back in the hospital. The stent in his liver is already plugged. It never ends.
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I had this post in my head

and I was composing it on the way into work today.

It was stark and honest.

Let’s see if I can remember any of it.


No, that’s not it.

I get up every morning. When I want to just stay in bed and cuddle with him because we DON’T know how much time we have left.

I get in my car every morning. He’s started it for me. He doesn’t have to but he does because he loves me. It’s the little things that make a difference. It’s those little things that make me smile…. like how I get a ‘weather report’ when he comes back in.
*It’s COLD out there today!!
*Freezing rain on your windshield!
*Drive safe!
*We only got about an inch…weatherman lied*

I sit at work all day worrying about him. Especially when he doesn’t call me by noon thirty. It makes for a less productive day.

I come home at night and I’m exhausted. All we want to do is cuddle on the couch. But I have to cook some supper, clean up dishes, do laundry, vacuum, fix things, shoot cats, clean up after said cats…..the list is endless. So when he goes to bed, I’m up for another couple hours doing housework because he just wants me to hold him. Which I do gladly…desperately…happily.

Phone calls are an interruption on some nights when he’s not feeling well. And sometimes a welcome interruption when he’s not feeling well as they perk him up and make him feel better for a bit. This is not said to make people NOT call….it’s just every night is SO different….and most times he WELCOMES phone calls. His days are so dreary. You can only talk to the animals for so long, you can only take so many naps during the day, watch so much TV…..Visitors are even better, even when he’s not feeling the best…it’s a change of pace.

Supper is a hit and miss thing. Sometimes he’ll eat good. Then sit there with the worst gut ache. And sometimes it’s just an orange. He drinks so much orange juice during the day because he cannot seem to quench his thirst….Something the doctors are going to have to check into.

Then there are the nights.The hardest part of the day. I lay awake watching him. Making sure he’s breathing. Making sure he’s sleeping and not just laying there, pretending, so I don’t worry.

I just want to hold him, soothe him, make love with him. Even with the way his body looks now, I still want him. I want our incredible love life back, Hell, I want our life back. I keep thinking we are going to wake up and this nightmare will be over. We can go back to living.

Then reality hits.

And the crying and the anger and the bargaining start all over again.

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