Walk a mile…….just walk a mile.

As I lay there every night……watching Nick sleep………..I think of so many things….

–how driving more than an hour wears him out for 2 days. Which means a trip to his sister’s is probably out. Unless someone has a Crown Vic or Lincoln Town car we can borrow. My sports car suspension hurts him. No one thinks of this when they say ‘you need to go visit……..’ No one thinks of the consequences. No one but Nick and I.

–Going out to eat is a challenge…..most foods turn his stomach. And no one thinks of how the nausea will HIT and hit hard. No one but Nick and I. So I have to cook every night.

–Even snuggling is difficult with that freaking tube out his right side. Cause I sleep on his right side. And God forbid I bump it. Then I have to scrape him off the ceiling.  No one thinks of this when they give him a hug and bump it. No one but Nick and I.

–People ask how we are doing. I first think to myself, I’m watching the man I’ve loved for 22 years fade away in front of my eyes. Then I say we are doing OK. When I really want to scream….but no one thinks of that.

–I hear about how insensitive people chew him out for the decisions he makes. Wow. Just wow. Like this is THEIR life and THEIR time left on earth. This is HIS life and HIS time. And OUR time together. But no one thinks of that. Just Nick and I.sometimes you just have to remove people

–I see couple’s bitching or mad at each other and think….wanna be in MY shoes? You wanna be the one to clean and re-bandage him every night? Dump the ice cream pail by the bed if he has to use it? To hold him as the nausea overcomes him?  To do all the prep work for him to take a shower?  To try ONCE AGAIN to find something for him to eat so he doesn’t lose ANOTHER pound? To lay there night after night and remember the awesome love life you two had? and WILL NEVER HAVE AGAIN?? No one thinks of that. No one but Nick and I.

–so before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. Feel the constant fear. Live in the unknown. Live without sleep and food and calm.

Would you last?

I hope you NEVER have to find out.

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What email/address do I use for you….?

Inviting Contributors, Followers, and Viewers

On WordPress.com, you are able to add users to your website by sending invitations. To send an invitation, you’ll want these two pieces of information:

  • A person’s username or email address
  • The role that you’d like a person to have on your site

How to Invite People to Your Site

  1. Click on People -> Add in your My Sites Menu.
    image of add button
  2. Type the user’s email address or WordPress.com username.
  3. Select a role from the dropdown. Each user role has different privileges on the site, so choose carefully.

      Optionally, you can enter a custom message that will be sent in the invitation to the person.custom_message
  4. Click the Send Invitation button.
  5. After sending the invitation, the person that you invited will receive an invitation email. follower-invite


Once the user clicks the “Accept Invitation” button in that email, they will now be able to access your blog by visiting the My Blogs section of their dashboard when they log in to WordPress.com.

↑ Table of Contents ↑

Viewing and Removing Viewers from a Private Blog

You can see who has accepted an invitation to view your private blog as well as remove viewers by going to your Dashboard and navigating to People, and selecting the Viewers tab at the top.

image of the viewers tab

To delete a viewer, just click the Remove User button. That user will no longer be able to see your private blog.

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So long…..?

normal ive pretended to be normal

To say I’m disappointed is saying the least I can say.

“Ya, I knew. I read her blog.”

No congratulations. No phone calls saying “Finally! cool!”

I don’t care.

But it hurt Nick. A lot.

So this blog most likely will either be shut down. Or I move.

If I can find a way to CLOSE it so you can only read it if you are on my approved list…..that is what I’d rather do.

I’m sorry that it has come to this.

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……at least I try…..


……every day Nick feels better…….and every day the tumor grows more…..and I get more terrified…..

And every day, his family pushes him further away.

And they don’t get it.

I may be moving this blog to another site. I’m not happy about this. But I don’t deal with spies and secrets and stories told behind my back. I realize this is the WORLD WIDE WEB…..altho some children I know don’t get that either…..but I won’t have tales told out of hand.

And that….I found out……has been happening.

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Really? This is FAMILY????

I feel I have to hold my feelings in check. I hear all the time how this is all about Nick. Nick and I are a couple. We have been for almost 22 years now. We have been friends for over 23 years. So isn’t this about US now? And what WE have left? Who has the right to make THAT determination?

SANITY isnt my strong point.jpg

Nick has wanted to sit in front of a fireplace at his brother B’s farm for a while now. This is a 3 hour drive, one way. He waits until a friend from Scotland is due here, before he decides to go. I’m like ‘really?’…. so he decides not to go. And he’s glad he didn’t.(but we hear about it) He really had a good time with A here. He ate good. He smiled a lot. And driving to the cities and part way back (less than 4 hours total) wore him out so he slept for 2 days.

Now, for this coming weekend, he and his sister L talked of going to her house. So he can drag yet another car carcass home. *rolls eyes*…..it’s also the weekend our 6, 9 and 12 year old grandsons wrestle at state tournaments.THE last time he may be able to watch them wrestle (unless we get a miracle.) A fact the 9 year old is having a VERY difficult time dealing with.

He must have told brother K because his brother chews his ass “You can drive 6 hours to HER house and not 3 hours to B’s?” WTF?

What Nick does or doesn’t do is NOT up for a discussion or ass chewing from his siblings.

How DARE they?? They don’t live in his body. He can do what he WANTS to. They don’t have the right to criticize his decisions. His brother K seems to have suddenly decide he is Dad and Nick needs to abide by HIS will, not Nicks.

And that needs to stop.


its hard when you miss someone but you were lucky enough to have someone worth missing


Over the last week or so, he has added 7#’s to his body. I don’t know where but the scale says so. He thinks he’s turned a corner and will beat this now. How can one turn a corner and get better when he’s not getting any Chemo on a regular basis?

But it something positive for him to hold on to. So I’m not saying a word to him about it.

I just got off the phone with Oncology……They’ll get back to me re: his appointments and about that tube out of his side. THEY claim he was seen on Friday.

um….no….he wasn’t. He sat by the phone waiting for YOU GUYS to call!

And now I’m sitting by the phone waiting for them to call and let me know when he has to go in again.

Scary how his importance DROPPED when he switched from one insurance to SSI huh??

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So he feels good with no Chemo…..

…….but it also means no poison is attacking the cancer.

So how does one win here?

He has a major infection around the tube from his liver (herein referred to as his liver tube) I can’t smell it but he said they were worried about it. “Come in Monday and we’ll remove it.” No, come in Friday. OK…well SOMEONE call and tell him WHEN!! Cause no one has called yet!

They want to take this tube out and let it heal some before trying again.

More surgery. Just what he needs.

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Some unexpected news……


So we got married on Sunday…….

We have been engaged since June of 1996……*rolls eyes* ….figured it was about time…..

The idea of just doing this has been tossed around for a couple months now. The person helping Nick with his will is so thankful……”This is MUCH more a legal binding contract and won’t have to go to probate court!”


So romantic.

Anyway…..we’ve been tossing around March 20th for a few weeks. So I found out what we needed to have to get a license……………well HOLY CRAP!! We had to haul to get all the paperwork we needed. We applied and had 9 days before the wedding. There is a 5 day waiting period.

We made it under the wire by 4 days. *whew*

We had rings we’ve been wearing so we used those. We dressed up in nice clothes….didn’t buy anything new……

…and we didn’t tell anyone.

Cousin Cathy had a flight to see us that weekend. Cousin Allison wasn’t sure she would make it. So I called her……”I have a secret”….and I told her what was planned. And she decided to come then. I emailed her later……told her I didn’t want to GUILT her into coming but…..’would you like to be the maid of honor or the best man??’…..She laughed!!!

So Allison knew before she got here and was sworn to secrecy……..Saturday night, Cathy, Allison and I were sitting at the table talking when I looked at Allison and said “We should let her be in on the secret now……” Yup…..So I asked Cathy “which would you like to be? Maid of Honor or Best Man?” Her eyes got wide!!! It was awesome…I love surprises!!!

I LOVED having those two be a part of this. I wish ALL of my cousins and family and and could have been there. There just wasn’t room in that BEAUTIFUL little chapel….8 stained glass windows formed 2 sides facing southwest……so we had wonderful sunlight back lighting the windows.

So…..at 3ish, I finally told my daughter Megann what was going on and asked her if she would do my hair. She was excited….and did a great job French braiding it. I’d been asking my daughter in law about being at our house that Sunday by 4pm at the latest….They were in Byron qualifying all 3 grandsons for state wrestling…..and yes, all three are going! I had wanted to have Bec take the photos but didn’t want her to know ahead of time so no one spilled the beans.

Totally forgetting Megann is a pretty good photographer too. She just doesn’t have the camera equipment Bec does.

At 4:15pm, Nick and I walked into the living room and told Mom and Dad and my brother Scott…..”We have a bit of a surprise…” Mom “oh yeah?” yea…..Nick and I have a 5pm wedding scheduled and if you want to go with us WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

They all scrambled for their cars and away we went…..

So Bec texts me at about 4:40pm they were about 20 miles from the church yet. So I told her “haul ass. Take the 35 exit and head to Trempealeau. Turn right on Grove. Meet us at the church.”

They walked in just as we were starting. We were VERY informal and VERY casual. No one was dressed up super nice except Cathy and Allison and Nick and I……and it was perfect. We didn’t even start at 5pm. My son and wife showed up about 5:10 and joined in with the grandkids. No one was quiet and it made the day even better!

They were there for the important part.

Juliana was crying and Lennox was running around, playing on the piano….it was noisy, and busy and special because if it wasn’t perfect….it didn’t matter. The people who love us were there. The grandchildren were there……and to me THAT is what counted so much. Those kids love their Papa and Nonna and to be part of our day meant SO much to them.

We’ve been engaged for 20 years.

I know that our marriage won’t last that long……cancer is usually a losing battle…..but we have what we have.

And we crack each other up.

Good Morning Mr. D.

Good Morning Mrs. D.

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No Chemo yesterday…

………and he feels pretty good today.

Tom, our ‘renter’, brought up a idea yesterday. If they want him to eat, why not let him be on steroids so he FEELS like eating? Or put a food IV in and give him nutrients whenever he comes in for an appointment?

Because he’s not eating. I have a hard time finding things he WILL eat.

All the weight lost is causing depression because without the weight, he’s nothing to fight with. Such a vicious circle. I actually got him to eat salsa and chips last night. Then he had a pudding pop for dessert. Not much but better than nothing. He is so tired all the time.

And I wonder why I am exhausted. He is so weak by the end of the day, that I have to get him food. I have to get him drink. I have to answer the phones. I have to stock the wood stove. Last night I had to throw in wood. (even tho we have a guy living upstairs perfectly capable of DOING that………) ALL while I’m trying to get our taxes done before the deadline. Not to mention working full time, trying to get enough orders to do a show this month for Pchef, clean house, keep the wood stove going,  do laundry, cook for 2 men, keep 2 cats alive because right now I wanna kill ’em both, don’t forget that wood stove……ON TOP OF THE BENEFIT stuff to get ready …..*faints*. When I write it all out? I don’t wonder so much.


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