As I lay there every night……watching Nick sleep………..I think of so many things….
–how driving more than an hour wears him out for 2 days. Which means a trip to his sister’s is probably out. Unless someone has a Crown Vic or Lincoln Town car we can borrow. My sports car suspension hurts him. No one thinks of this when they say ‘you need to go visit……..’ No one thinks of the consequences. No one but Nick and I.
–Going out to eat is a challenge…..most foods turn his stomach. And no one thinks of how the nausea will HIT and hit hard. No one but Nick and I. So I have to cook every night.
–Even snuggling is difficult with that freaking tube out his right side. Cause I sleep on his right side. And God forbid I bump it. Then I have to scrape him off the ceiling. No one thinks of this when they give him a hug and bump it. No one but Nick and I.
–People ask how we are doing. I first think to myself, I’m watching the man I’ve loved for 22 years fade away in front of my eyes. Then I say we are doing OK. When I really want to scream….but no one thinks of that.
–I hear about how insensitive people chew him out for the decisions he makes. Wow. Just wow. Like this is THEIR life and THEIR time left on earth. This is HIS life and HIS time. And OUR time together. But no one thinks of that. Just Nick and I.
–I see couple’s bitching or mad at each other and think….wanna be in MY shoes? You wanna be the one to clean and re-bandage him every night? Dump the ice cream pail by the bed if he has to use it? To hold him as the nausea overcomes him? To do all the prep work for him to take a shower? To try ONCE AGAIN to find something for him to eat so he doesn’t lose ANOTHER pound? To lay there night after night and remember the awesome love life you two had? and WILL NEVER HAVE AGAIN?? No one thinks of that. No one but Nick and I.
–so before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. Feel the constant fear. Live in the unknown. Live without sleep and food and calm.
Would you last?
I hope you NEVER have to find out.