So I blew up last night……oops.

ff

I’m working a full time job.
I’m fighting to get enough orders every month for Pchef.
I’m trying to keep a house clean with 3 animals in it.
I’m shoveling snow this morning *grrrrrrrrrr*
I’m cooking, doing laundry, cleaning, getting ready for company.
All this on TOP of caring for Nick.
And the terror that goes with living with Cancer.
So last night, I’m trying to get the door open to fill up the dog food bucket. It went shut and pinched that tiny bit of skin on my knuckle that hurts like a sumbeach.  I blew up at the animals.
No big deal. They don’t understand English.
Earlier in the evening, Nick and I are talking how his brother B is coming to take him to lunch today.
How nice.
Flit in and flit out. Expect ME to email updates or text what’s happening at home. Nope. Not happening anymore. They can get off their asses and CALL HIM on occasion. I’m done doing daily updates. Have been done since that bullshit email about how I had to include LF on everything.
nope
not happening.
I’m sure he’s got me blocked. That makes me VERY happy. I don’t deal with disrespect very well. And I’ve had to deal with it for 20 plus years.
Anyway……we were sitting on the couch talking how B is coming down today. All day yesterday, I’m looking for someone to run Nick into the Concordia tonight for the meeting there.
So I said “B can run you into LaCrosse for the meeting. Then he can be there for one.”
Oh no!! That would be another hour for him to be driving! I can’t ask him to do that…..
I went silent……Didn’t say a word.
Then the dog food episode and pinching my finger happened.
Apparently that opened a flood gate.
I’m laying in bed and I just start almost hyperventilating. Nick asked what was wrong.
Wrong question to ask.
Basically I told him that if asking B for ONE LOUSY hour of his time was going to be a problem, then he needed to remember HOW MANY HOURS I have put into this benefit. (not to mention Meg and Rosanne and Kristi and who else….???)
 
So to me, that said I wasn’t even ON the fucking totem pole let alone being low man.
 
His family can’t LOWER THEMSELVES?????? to ask for donations?? <—Nick’s words. 
I told him I was done with this shit. That his family needs to STEP UP or get off.
I know it’s not fair to him to get mad about this shit. I told him that. I also told him I would GLADLY do this all over again.
But to have C tell me that that CHILD would pay Nick’s bills ($240? in 2+ months on his GoFundMe…..we are at $3,600 in 1 month on ours. His sister C wrote how she FULLY SUPPORTS the Child’s GoFundMe account….OK, well then why has only ONE SISTER put in $50? and it’s NOT her??)
OK, I’ve vented. Now it’s back to work time.
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14 Responses to So I blew up last night……oops.

  1. joliesattic says:

    Oh, how I know how you feel. It was like that for me for the first three years with mother, that feeling of being alone and not having anyone to share the load with. Do NOT feel guilty. Some things have to be said and I had my share of blow ups. I too, was working a full time job at a place I hated, in a clinic dealing with the entitlement strata and it often got the best of me. So I screamed and cried, sang (loudly) and on occasion yelle
    d at God (never cursed) a time or two. But, I figure God has big shoulders and knows what I’m going through. If he wasn’t forgiving he’d have never sent his Son, so have at it. I noticed that after such a bout, a certain peace would settle over me, so God was listening. It HAS to come out. It just does. ((Hugs and kisses))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joliesattic says:

    Yeah, but maybe he’ll appreciate you more, even if he never says it. I think too, he knows it and that’s why he says things like ‘well it will take an extra hour out of their day’ keeps his expectations low. If he reasons that way, he doesn’t have to feel bad about the reality. The other thing I learned with dad was how some of his “best” friends stayed away. People who still complain about missing him. One friend, said he was more of a father to her than anyone else and I know she saw his ugly side from time to time but still held him in high esteem, told me she just couldn’t stand to see him that way. I think that happens more often than not. Sadly. Before this, I did. Now I know how much the caregiver needs the visit just as much.

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  3. fredrieka says:

    what is it about family. When my husband dad was placed in assisted living, his dementia was getting too much for hubby’s 85 year old mother to handle. I went to see his dad everyday. I wanted to be sure his care was perfect. He deserved respect being he is a retired Detroit Fireman. Now after his passing hubby’s mom took a fall. Thus no longer able to live on her own. She came to live with hubby and I. Sister lives in Iowa and micromanages from there When her dad died she thanked me for caring for her dad. When her mom died I was evil and did not do enough. Go figure. “F” them. Also any chance she get’s she disrespects me. “F” them. I know longer acknowledge her existence. I could go on but this is not my rant it’s yours. Hang in there. You are doing a great job..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Val Ewing says:

    I found out that when caring for Rich in the worst of times, the very few people who actually stood up to the plate was NOT family, his family. Sister and daughter were like 5th tits on a cow, pretty worthless.
    However, three people who were not afraid of ‘catching’ cancer did step up and one was my son, two others were just neighbors … oh and the guy we purchased hay from.
    Family is the one kind of people we should be able to count on, but rarely does it happen quite that way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boo says:

      The one I know I could count on in a heartbeat lives 6 hours away. It’s like the rest don’t have a clue…..and it’s too sad for words. I’m getting SO worn out and terrified to leave him alone…….and they stay at their homes…..ours isn’t good enough to stay in.

      Like

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