If there is an instruction booklet on how to deal with cancer, stress, grief, family, demanding non understanding people, and visitors during TAX SEASON…..just please GET me a copy!!
I am trying to juggle SO many things right now that I’m dropping the ball. I’m exhausted. I have so many things on my mind, that, on occasion, they pop out of my mouth. Big DEAL! You deal with your stress in YOUR way, I’ll deal with it MY way.
Nick and I went to a car show this past weekend. I watched him be SO happy looking at all the cars…and there was a BOOTFIUL bunch of cars there again this time. I thought to myself, I don’t want him to be forgotten in this world, the car world, so I’m thinkin’ I’ll do a memorial trophy for this show if they’d want it. Kevin could make it………….and all of this is rolling thru my head as I started talking to J, one of the club members who puts this together every year.
See above quote.
I want Nick to know I won’t let him be forgotten. Case in point: I’m thinking of A and his beautiful car.
No one mentions him anymore. I think of him every time I get in my ‘stang because he installed the headliner.
I don’t want that to happen with Nick. He’s much more involved in cars than A was but still. His passion for Fords is legendary around here.
And I don’t want that lost. That would be tragic. As tragic as his family getting involved on how to dispose of Nick’s assets. After 22 years I am STILL not family. Amazing. None of MY sacrifices matter. “The family thinks……” or “The family wants…..”
We are in limbo now. We don’t know how things are going. Are they using a less aggressive Chemo? Is this the reason his side effects are not so bad? Is this why they can do it every 7-10 days instead of every 2 weeks (which, because of his blood work, was every 3 weeks or more?) They have moved him back to Wednesday. What will the current scan read…..WHEN they do one? I’m watching him fade more every day. And listen to people tell him he needs to BEAT this. His doctor has already told him, it’s stage 4, terminal, and that there is no coming back from this. He’s got no strength, no body mass with which TO fight.
I’m living in terror now. Every night I watch him breathe to make sure he IS breathing. I hold his hand to WARM it because even with the thermostat set at 70° he is STILL cold. Last night at 9pm, I went in to wake him from his nap. I snuggled my head in carefully to his left shoulder and kissed his cheek.
It was cold.
Then I saw him breathing.
This is a crazy way to live.