It’s nice to know everyone ELSE is perfect….

thoughts in my head.jpg

….except me.

If there is an instruction booklet on how to deal with cancer, stress, grief, family, demanding non understanding people, and visitors during TAX SEASON…..just please GET me a copy!!

I am trying to juggle SO many things right now that I’m dropping the ball. I’m exhausted. I have so many things on my mind, that, on occasion, they pop out of my mouth. Big DEAL! You deal with your stress in YOUR way, I’ll deal with it MY way.

OK??

Nick and I went to a car show this past weekend. I watched him be SO happy looking at all the cars…and there was a BOOTFIUL bunch of cars there again this time. I thought to myself, I don’t want him to be forgotten in this world, the car world, so I’m thinkin’ I’ll do a memorial trophy for this show if they’d want it. Kevin could make it………….and all of this is rolling thru my head as I started talking to J, one of the club members who puts this together every year.

See above quote.

I want Nick to know I won’t let him be forgotten. Case in point: I’m thinking of A and his beautiful car.

No one mentions him anymore. I think of him every time I get in my ‘stang because he installed the headliner.

I don’t want that to happen with Nick. He’s much more involved in cars than A was but still. His passion for Fords is legendary around here.

And I don’t want that lost. That would be tragic. As tragic as his family getting involved on how to dispose of Nick’s assets. After 22 years I am STILL not family. Amazing. None of MY sacrifices matter. “The family thinks……” or “The family wants…..”

Wow.

Whatever.

We are in limbo now. We don’t know how things are going. Are they using a less aggressive Chemo? Is this the reason his side effects are not so bad? Is this why they can do it every 7-10 days instead of every 2 weeks (which, because of his blood work, was every 3 weeks or more?) They have moved him back to Wednesday. What will the current scan read…..WHEN they do one? I’m watching him fade more every day. And listen to people tell him he needs to BEAT this. His doctor has already told him, it’s stage 4, terminal, and that there is no coming back from this. He’s got no strength, no body mass with which TO fight.

I’m living in terror now. Every night I watch him breathe to make sure he IS breathing. I hold his hand to WARM it because even with the thermostat set at 70° he is STILL cold. Last night at 9pm, I went in to wake him from his nap. I snuggled my head in carefully to his left shoulder and kissed his cheek.

It was cold.

Instant terror.

Then I saw him breathing.

This is a crazy way to live.

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11 Responses to It’s nice to know everyone ELSE is perfect….

  1. Val Ewing says:

    Sadly enough, so many family members seem to come out of the woodwork when this happens and decide what ‘should be’ done. This is exactly why Rich and I hired an attorney years ago and put it in ‘stone’ so to speak. Anyone contests our decisions and they are removed from getting anything.
    Terminal is terminal but I am so glad that you guys are doing things together that Nick likes.
    I don’t know what to say about chemo only that it may hold back the cancer cells growth a bit.
    I hope I am not too blunt in what I said, don’t take it wrong.
    Be with Nick as much as you can and send the visitors packing after they have said their piece.
    Family what can I say? Sometimes they are the worst people to have around.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Boo says:

      This kind of constant haranguing is just making my b/p shoot up. If they LIVED here, I could see the suggestions. If they had DONE any of what is ours, yes. But Nick and I BUILT OUR LIFE with our assets. They didn’t. And for them to now be telling him I don’t deserve what we have built?

      wow
      .
      just wow.

      Like

  2. fredrieka says:

    Can’t say more than Val

    Liked by 1 person

  3. joliesattic says:

    You know what? f..u..c..k.. the family! They get nothing unless y.o.u don’t want it! That simple. If they can’t/won’t participate other than make what you’re dealing with harder, they can butt out!!! THEY have NO say. PERIOD. I know. I know, easier said than done.
    I continue to pray for you and totally sympathize.
    I’m curious about the chemo as well, if the docs say it’s terminal (that’s to say no hope) then why bother with chemo? I remember daddy and my brother both getting very sick with it and then when they stopped their appetite returned and they felt better. Did they say why?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lynnsears72 says:

    People who insist that others “fight” cancer are talking out of their asses. How can you fight something that is entirely made of your own body? Should the cancer patient then also feel guilt for not fighting “hard enough” at the worst time of their lives when it is clear that they will not and cannot get better? These morons don’t think before they open their mouths. It’s ok to slap people like that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Boo says:

      I just shake my head…They don’t live with this. They don’t see the day to day struggle he has just to get out of bed. He’s got nothing left to fight WITH. And for them to keep saying this just HURTS. But they don’t care.

      Liked by 1 person

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