Walk a mile…….just walk a mile.

Boo

As I lay there every night……watching Nick sleep………..I think of so many things….

–how driving more than an hour wears him out for 2 days. Which means a trip to his sister’s is probably out. Unless someone has a Crown Vic or Lincoln Town car we can borrow. My sports car suspension hurts him. No one thinks of this when they say ‘you need to go visit……..’ No one thinks of the consequences. No one but Nick and I.

–Going out to eat is a challenge…..most foods turn his stomach. And no one thinks of how the nausea will HIT and hit hard. No one but Nick and I. So I have to cook every night.

–Even snuggling is difficult with that freaking tube out his right side. Cause I sleep on his right side. And God forbid I bump it. Then I have to scrape him off the ceiling.  No one thinks of this when they give him a hug and bump it. No one but Nick and I.

–People ask how we are doing. I first think to myself, I’m watching the man I’ve loved for 22 years fade away in front of my eyes. Then I say we are doing OK. When I really want to scream….but no one thinks of that.

–I hear about how insensitive people chew him out for the decisions he makes. Wow. Just wow. Like this is THEIR life and THEIR time left on earth. This is HIS life and HIS time. And OUR time together. But no one thinks of that. Just Nick and I.sometimes you just have to remove people

–I see couple’s bitching or mad at each other and think….wanna be in MY shoes? You wanna be the one to clean and re-bandage him every night? Dump the ice cream pail by the bed if he has to use it? To hold him as the nausea overcomes him?  To do all the prep work for him to take a shower?  To try ONCE AGAIN to find something for him to eat so he doesn’t lose ANOTHER pound? To lay there night after night and remember the awesome love life you two had? and WILL NEVER HAVE AGAIN?? No one thinks of that. No one but Nick and I.

–so before you judge us, walk a mile in our shoes. Feel the constant fear. Live in the unknown. Live without sleep and food and calm.

Would you last?

I hope you NEVER have to find out.

Posted in Me

14 thoughts on “Walk a mile…….just walk a mile.”

    1. I am just so sad at the actions of some people that I just want to draw us in and lock the doors. If you can’t be nice when you are here or call, don’t……just don’t.

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  2. So sorry you have this dark and tragic tunnel to navigate, my friend. And it may sound trite, but try to remember that there *is* light on the other side, and Nick has to walk the final bit of this path alone. We all do, when the time comes. Until then, you accompany him and ease his suffering any way you can, even though yours is the greater burden, that of the left behind.

    Give him a tender kiss on the cheek for me, and tell him that anyone who has made my friend this happy for this long is someone I would have been proud to meet and call my friend as well, and I am only sorry that it seems that this opportunity has been lost.

    (((hugs)))

    S.

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  3. I’ve walked this mile and although right now Rich is doing sort of okay … it is amazing how quickly those who have never experienced cancer and its devastation … so quickly forget, or don’t understand at all.
    This summer when Rich was terribly sick, my son came to help do some things. He asked Rich if he could mow lawn for him. Rich asked if my son could help him get it started. The two worked on it with frequent breaks. When Rich got it going my son helped him on to the rider and Rich started to mow.
    I wanted to stop Rich. My son put his hand on my arm and softly said, “Mom, let him do this. Don’t be bossy, don’t tell him what to do. Let him be.”
    At first I was offended and then I saw my son’s point.
    I shouldn’t dictate what Rich should do, I needed to stand back and let him do as he wished.

    I know, not exactly the same but you get it.
    Until you walk this path you truly can’t know.
    I am not pretending I know what it is like to be in your shoes Boo, but I have a slight inkling.
    Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You know exactly what it’s like. It’s close to mine…..except you haven’t been given a ‘timeframe’ of possibility. You still live with the fear,the terror, the unknown….. like I do.

      Our love to you both. oxoxooxo

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  4. People who have never had to walk the journey and watch someone they love dying should say a thankful prayer every day. Those who are too selfish to understand that this is Nick’s journey, and not theirs, should just take a GIANT step back and let those who truly love him surround him. Nick should be able to do whatever he feels he can, and makes him happy in this last part of his journey. No one else has the right to tell him where he should be and how long he should travel to get there or what he should be doing. They have no clue the toll an illness like this takes on his body and his mind. He doesn’t need to do anything for anybody else. He just needs to take this final part of his journey with all the love, grace, and support those who truly care for him can give him. It is nobody else’s journey, it is Nick’s. Those specific people who are being asses need to check themselves. They should be asking Nick what they can do for him, not what he can do for them. That type of negativity you don’t need. Since their own lives are so pathetic that they can’t say one nice thing to someone who is dying, and think they have a right to bitch and moan, they need to just shut the he** up and not speak to him again. The circie around him right now is about the love and support and prayers, not their bitterness. Love to both of you my dear, dear friends!!!

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