So he feels good with no Chemo…..

…….but it also means no poison is attacking the cancer.

So how does one win here?

He has a major infection around the tube from his liver (herein referred to as his liver tube) I can’t smell it but he said they were worried about it. “Come in Monday and we’ll remove it.” No, come in Friday. OK…well SOMEONE call and tell him WHEN!! Cause no one has called yet!

They want to take this tube out and let it heal some before trying again.

More surgery. Just what he needs.

Posted in Me

Some unexpected news……


So we got married on Sunday…….

We have been engaged since June of 1996……*rolls eyes* ….figured it was about time…..

The idea of just doing this has been tossed around for a couple months now. The person helping Nick with his will is so thankful……”This is MUCH more a legal binding contract and won’t have to go to probate court!”


So romantic.

Anyway…..we’ve been tossing around March 20th for a few weeks. So I found out what we needed to have to get a license……………well HOLY CRAP!! We had to haul to get all the paperwork we needed. We applied and had 9 days before the wedding. There is a 5 day waiting period.

We made it under the wire by 4 days. *whew*

We had rings we’ve been wearing so we used those. We dressed up in nice clothes….didn’t buy anything new……

…and we didn’t tell anyone.

Cousin Cathy had a flight to see us that weekend. Cousin Allison wasn’t sure she would make it. So I called her……”I have a secret”….and I told her what was planned. And she decided to come then. I emailed her later……told her I didn’t want to GUILT her into coming but…..’would you like to be the maid of honor or the best man??’…..She laughed!!!

So Allison knew before she got here and was sworn to secrecy……..Saturday night, Cathy, Allison and I were sitting at the table talking when I looked at Allison and said “We should let her be in on the secret now……” Yup…..So I asked Cathy “which would you like to be? Maid of Honor or Best Man?” Her eyes got wide!!! It was awesome…I love surprises!!!

I LOVED having those two be a part of this. I wish ALL of my cousins and family and and could have been there. There just wasn’t room in that BEAUTIFUL little chapel….8 stained glass windows formed 2 sides facing southwest……so we had wonderful sunlight back lighting the windows.

So… 3ish, I finally told my daughter Megann what was going on and asked her if she would do my hair. She was excited….and did a great job French braiding it. I’d been asking my daughter in law about being at our house that Sunday by 4pm at the latest….They were in Byron qualifying all 3 grandsons for state wrestling…..and yes, all three are going! I had wanted to have Bec take the photos but didn’t want her to know ahead of time so no one spilled the beans.

Totally forgetting Megann is a pretty good photographer too. She just doesn’t have the camera equipment Bec does.

At 4:15pm, Nick and I walked into the living room and told Mom and Dad and my brother Scott…..”We have a bit of a surprise…” Mom “oh yeah?” yea…..Nick and I have a 5pm wedding scheduled and if you want to go with us WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

They all scrambled for their cars and away we went…..

So Bec texts me at about 4:40pm they were about 20 miles from the church yet. So I told her “haul ass. Take the 35 exit and head to Trempealeau. Turn right on Grove. Meet us at the church.”

They walked in just as we were starting. We were VERY informal and VERY casual. No one was dressed up super nice except Cathy and Allison and Nick and I……and it was perfect. We didn’t even start at 5pm. My son and wife showed up about 5:10 and joined in with the grandkids. No one was quiet and it made the day even better!

They were there for the important part.

Juliana was crying and Lennox was running around, playing on the piano….it was noisy, and busy and special because if it wasn’t perfect….it didn’t matter. The people who love us were there. The grandchildren were there……and to me THAT is what counted so much. Those kids love their Papa and Nonna and to be part of our day meant SO much to them.

We’ve been engaged for 20 years.

I know that our marriage won’t last that long……cancer is usually a losing battle…..but we have what we have.

And we crack each other up.

Good Morning Mr. D.

Good Morning Mrs. D.

Posted in Me

No Chemo yesterday…

………and he feels pretty good today.

Tom, our ‘renter’, brought up a idea yesterday. If they want him to eat, why not let him be on steroids so he FEELS like eating? Or put a food IV in and give him nutrients whenever he comes in for an appointment?

Because he’s not eating. I have a hard time finding things he WILL eat.

All the weight lost is causing depression because without the weight, he’s nothing to fight with. Such a vicious circle. I actually got him to eat salsa and chips last night. Then he had a pudding pop for dessert. Not much but better than nothing. He is so tired all the time.

And I wonder why I am exhausted. He is so weak by the end of the day, that I have to get him food. I have to get him drink. I have to answer the phones. I have to stock the wood stove. Last night I had to throw in wood. (even tho we have a guy living upstairs perfectly capable of DOING that………) ALL while I’m trying to get our taxes done before the deadline. Not to mention working full time, trying to get enough orders to do a show this month for Pchef, clean house, keep the wood stove going,  do laundry, cook for 2 men, keep 2 cats alive because right now I wanna kill ’em both, don’t forget that wood stove……ON TOP OF THE BENEFIT stuff to get ready …..*faints*. When I write it all out? I don’t wonder so much.


Posted in Me

::Peeks around the corner….::

Hi all…………it’s been a bit huh?

Lots of things happening….in a short time.

My dear friend Atia from Scotland came for a weeks visit. She arrived March 12 and stayed thru March 19th. LOVED having her here. She was such a help…..and just having someone at the house with Nick was a load off my mind. Here she is teaching my grandson how to use a VERY. EXPENSIVE. CAMERA. ugh…

atia and camera.jpeg

Nick. He’s getting frailer by the day and I really hate leaving him home alone. He’s getting less steady on his feet and ……man if he would fall…..?? It would probably kill him. Last weigh in was 110lbs.

On March 18th, my gorgeous cousin Cathy came from Salt Lake City. She spent Friday night with my brother, met for breakfast with some cousins up in the cities. Then Saturday, Jim brought her to my house…. and she cooked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday….what a load off!! Healthy AWESOME tasting meals….I loved it and cannot thank her enough!!

On March 19th, I took Atia back to the Minneapolis airport. She flew out at 4:10pm. From Terminal 1. At 4:20pm, my beautiful cousin Allison flew in from California. At Terminal 2. So I had the lovely joy of trying to figure out how to get from one to the other and back. I DID IT!!

Before I left home to pick her up, I sent Allison a photo.


Her response? Oh no – please make it stop!! 😉 [I’ve been trying to get Allison to my house for a while. “Never when there is snow!” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahha!!! oops]

It was more awesome than words to have both of them there. Just having someone to be there with me, for me, with us….for us…..was FEE NOM! We laughed, depleted my supply of wine, (ugh), ate awesome food, Nick got to spend time with a couple ladies he loves almost as much as me…it was WONDERFUL……

I’m just so beyond sad that it’s most likely the last time they will get to see him unless God decides to shine a miracle on us. And I have so many people praying for that……………….

I have to post some photos on here in the next few days. Waiting for daughter in law to get them all to me. She does such an awesome job…….love her to bits.

This morning, after a wonderful breakfast at Garden of Eatin’, Megann took my cousins up to the cities. They are both flying home today.

And that makes me so sad.

Posted in Me

Flashback Friday……

Nick at the gulf

Nick. April 1995. We were at South Padre Island, TX. Our first trip away alone anywhere. It was a great time. Except we had to deal with his ex cause we were there for Nick’s parenting time.

My God he looks so healthy, sexy, and yummy. He had the nicest legs. And he still has the best smile.

Nick 71716.jpg

He still looks wonderful to me. Because I still can see him every day. But he has aged so much over the last 18 months. And he’s lost weight. Over 50lbs now.

A dear friend sent me some books to read. I’ve read the two smaller ones and am working on the thick one now. I’m seriously not liking what I’m reading. His weight loss, his voice is changing and is very hoarse sounding. This morning was the first time he has been violently ill from Chemo.

I am just hoping he is the exception to these rules.

Otherwise we are looking at 1-3 months left.

I am very close to an edge now. I find it difficult to make it thru a day of work without longing to be home with him. Being the only income sucks. Social Security PROMISED to push his application through. We’ve STILL seen nothing.

What a JOKE our country has become when it comes to giving BACK to those that have paid in.

Posted in Me

Last night…..

counting on waking up rich today

Last night, we had a meeting for the benefit we are doing for Nick.

We sat at opposite ends of the table from each other. I watched him. He was smiling and laughing and getting paler by the minute. It was Chemo day yesterday. They load him up on steroids, Benadryl, and the chemotherapy poison. (Instead of leaving when he got done, he slept. And we let him sleep till 5pm. Atia was rather nervous about driving him home….something about US driving on the wrong side of the road.)


People were coming and going all evening. Things were getting written down for what we need to do, what is done, and who needs to be where when and such.

Nick was getting to visit with people he hadn’t seen in awhile. It was actually quite nice and he was enjoying himself.

Then Holly showed up.

And brought Fred (Sherrie) with her.




After I found that photo yesterday, I had been struggling all afternoon…..knowing I’d never get that man back again. Looking at how full his legs, arms and shoulders were. Remembering the trips we had taken, the fun we had, the love we made. He had the nicest legs and he’s down to nothing now. I hug him and I’m terrified I’ll break a bone. This morning as he’s sitting up in bed taking his Oxy’s, I looked at him. And it amazed me how emaciated he is.  It just breaks my heart.

The roller coaster of emotions every single day is exhausting.

So back to Holly and Fred.

And Atia even got in on this rousing good time. (she took this great photo)

i think my guardian angel drinks

Fred (middle) …… what can I say?


No one can have that much fun sober. But she can and does. And she got Holly and I going too. It’s just what I needed after yesterday’s struggle to not collapse, just overwhelmed from all of this, on the office floor. The more she talked, the more Holly, Atia and I laughed. I think I got more exercise laughing last night, that by doing my mile power walk! Fred and Atia were singing like they were at the Winter Dance Party. Holly and I just laughed and rolled our eyes.

Oh, and yes, 2 bottles of wine disappeared. The clear one only had one glass left. The other one? They tapped it. And drank it. Now I have to do something with the bottle. (my glass was 100% pure fresh squeezed orange juice. yes it was. stop laughing)

It just felt good to laugh. I have not laughed that hard in a LONG time.

Well since Kim, Holly and I discovered Fred.

So thank you ladies….you ARE the best medicine.

Posted in Me