I hate when he steps on the scale….

This morning it’s 107.5lbs.

48.86Kg

Last night was not good. He actually said out loud “I’m not gonna win this fight!”

We just held each other.

It’s so heartbreaking. Things finally all come together for us………….and this isn’t working.

crying

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::Peeks around the corner….::

Hi all…………it’s been a bit huh?

Lots of things happening….in a short time.

My dear friend Atia from Scotland came for a weeks visit. She arrived March 12 and stayed thru March 19th. LOVED having her here. She was such a help…..and just having someone at the house with Nick was a load off my mind. Here she is teaching my grandson how to use a VERY. EXPENSIVE. CAMERA. ugh…

atia and camera.jpeg

Nick. He’s getting frailer by the day and I really hate leaving him home alone. He’s getting less steady on his feet and ……man if he would fall…..?? It would probably kill him. Last weigh in was 110lbs.

On March 18th, my gorgeous cousin Cathy came from Salt Lake City. She spent Friday night with my brother, met for breakfast with some cousins up in the cities. Then Saturday, Jim brought her to my house…. and she cooked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday….what a load off!! Healthy AWESOME tasting meals….I loved it and cannot thank her enough!!

On March 19th, I took Atia back to the Minneapolis airport. She flew out at 4:10pm. From Terminal 1. At 4:20pm, my beautiful cousin Allison flew in from California. At Terminal 2. So I had the lovely joy of trying to figure out how to get from one to the other and back. I DID IT!!

Before I left home to pick her up, I sent Allison a photo.

snow.JPG

Her response? Oh no – please make it stop!! 😉 [I’ve been trying to get Allison to my house for a while. “Never when there is snow!” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahha!!! oops]

It was more awesome than words to have both of them there. Just having someone to be there with me, for me, with us….for us…..was FEE NOM! We laughed, depleted my supply of wine, (ugh), ate awesome food, Nick got to spend time with a couple ladies he loves almost as much as me…it was WONDERFUL……

I’m just so beyond sad that it’s most likely the last time they will get to see him unless God decides to shine a miracle on us. And I have so many people praying for that……………….

I have to post some photos on here in the next few days. Waiting for daughter in law to get them all to me. She does such an awesome job…….love her to bits.

This morning, after a wonderful breakfast at Garden of Eatin’, Megann took my cousins up to the cities. They are both flying home today.

And that makes me so sad.

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Flashback Friday……

Nick at the gulf

Nick. April 1995. We were at South Padre Island, TX. Our first trip away alone anywhere. It was a great time. Except we had to deal with his ex cause we were there for Nick’s parenting time.

My God he looks so healthy, sexy, and yummy. He had the nicest legs. And he still has the best smile.

Nick 71716.jpg
Nick

He still looks wonderful to me. Because I still can see him every day. But he has aged so much over the last 18 months. And he’s lost weight. Over 50lbs now.

A dear friend sent me some books to read. I’ve read the two smaller ones and am working on the thick one now. I’m seriously not liking what I’m reading. His weight loss, his voice is changing and is very hoarse sounding. This morning was the first time he has been violently ill from Chemo.

I am just hoping he is the exception to these rules.

Otherwise we are looking at 1-3 months left.

I am very close to an edge now. I find it difficult to make it thru a day of work without longing to be home with him. Being the only income sucks. Social Security PROMISED to push his application through. We’ve STILL seen nothing.

What a JOKE our country has become when it comes to giving BACK to those that have paid in.

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Last night…..

counting on waking up rich today

Last night, we had a meeting for the benefit we are doing for Nick.

We sat at opposite ends of the table from each other. I watched him. He was smiling and laughing and getting paler by the minute. It was Chemo day yesterday. They load him up on steroids, Benadryl, and the chemotherapy poison. (Instead of leaving when he got done, he slept. And we let him sleep till 5pm. Atia was rather nervous about driving him home….something about US driving on the wrong side of the road.)

Pfffffffffffffft

People were coming and going all evening. Things were getting written down for what we need to do, what is done, and who needs to be where when and such.

Nick was getting to visit with people he hadn’t seen in awhile. It was actually quite nice and he was enjoying himself.

Then Holly showed up.

And brought Fred (Sherrie) with her.

O

M

G

After I found that photo yesterday, I had been struggling all afternoon…..knowing I’d never get that man back again. Looking at how full his legs, arms and shoulders were. Remembering the trips we had taken, the fun we had, the love we made. He had the nicest legs and he’s down to nothing now. I hug him and I’m terrified I’ll break a bone. This morning as he’s sitting up in bed taking his Oxy’s, I looked at him. And it amazed me how emaciated he is.  It just breaks my heart.

The roller coaster of emotions every single day is exhausting.

So back to Holly and Fred.

And Atia even got in on this rousing good time. (she took this great photo)

i think my guardian angel drinks

Fred (middle) …… what can I say?

2.jpeg

No one can have that much fun sober. But she can and does. And she got Holly and I going too. It’s just what I needed after yesterday’s struggle to not collapse, just overwhelmed from all of this, on the office floor. The more she talked, the more Holly, Atia and I laughed. I think I got more exercise laughing last night, that by doing my mile power walk! Fred and Atia were singing like they were at the Winter Dance Party. Holly and I just laughed and rolled our eyes.

Oh, and yes, 2 bottles of wine disappeared. The clear one only had one glass left. The other one? They tapped it. And drank it. Now I have to do something with the bottle. (my glass was 100% pure fresh squeezed orange juice. yes it was. stop laughing)

It just felt good to laugh. I have not laughed that hard in a LONG time.

Well since Kim, Holly and I discovered Fred.

So thank you ladies….you ARE the best medicine.

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I found this photo today….

Nick at the gulf

Taken in 1995, he looks so healthy and vibrant there. It brings tears to my eyes……

We had a good time at the Gulf of Mexico.

This was our first trip anywhere ever.

We went on a lot of trips to lots of places.

Mexico and Canada

England, Scotland and Germany

Lots of different states…….

I’m going to miss traveling with him. It was always fun.

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It’s getting harder and harder to leave….

……….each morning. Nick is getting thinner and thinner. It’s getting more difficult for him to get up out of a chair, or out of bed. 113lbs this morning.

I like when I don' thave to be careful what I say

How I wish I could tell you all he’s getting better…

but I can’t.

How I wish I could tell you all we are JETTING OFF TO ITALY!!

but I can’t.

We just live day by day.

Trying to make the most of it.

I have NO idea what to expect.

OK, I have SOME idea what to expect as things progress. My girl wonder, Juli, sent me 3 books. And I started reading them. And I’m really not liking what I am reading because I came to realize ….we most likely are at the 1-3 month stage. There IS no turning this around. There never was.  Back in December they told us 10-12 months. And as I think back on that, I remember how much better he looked then. In February, they told us a couple months. And even then, he looked better and had more energy than he does now.

I hurt. I am watching the man I love fade away. I have YET to figure out how I am going to live without him.

And I’m listening to the people who are SUPPOSED to love him best telling him to keep fighting. To DRIVE 3 hours to their house. To do this and do that.

They have a right to see him.

They just need to understand they will have to come to MY house to do it.

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It’s nice to know everyone ELSE is perfect….

thoughts in my head.jpg

….except me.

If there is an instruction booklet on how to deal with cancer, stress, grief, family, demanding non understanding people, and visitors during TAX SEASON…..just please GET me a copy!!

I am trying to juggle SO many things right now that I’m dropping the ball. I’m exhausted. I have so many things on my mind, that, on occasion, they pop out of my mouth. Big DEAL! You deal with your stress in YOUR way, I’ll deal with it MY way.

OK??

Nick and I went to a car show this past weekend. I watched him be SO happy looking at all the cars…and there was a BOOTFIUL bunch of cars there again this time. I thought to myself, I don’t want him to be forgotten in this world, the car world, so I’m thinkin’ I’ll do a memorial trophy for this show if they’d want it. Kevin could make it………….and all of this is rolling thru my head as I started talking to J, one of the club members who puts this together every year.

See above quote.

I want Nick to know I won’t let him be forgotten. Case in point: I’m thinking of A and his beautiful car.

No one mentions him anymore. I think of him every time I get in my ‘stang because he installed the headliner.

I don’t want that to happen with Nick. He’s much more involved in cars than A was but still. His passion for Fords is legendary around here.

And I don’t want that lost. That would be tragic. As tragic as his family getting involved on how to dispose of Nick’s assets. After 22 years I am STILL not family. Amazing. None of MY sacrifices matter. “The family thinks……” or “The family wants…..”

Wow.

Whatever.

We are in limbo now. We don’t know how things are going. Are they using a less aggressive Chemo? Is this the reason his side effects are not so bad? Is this why they can do it every 7-10 days instead of every 2 weeks (which, because of his blood work, was every 3 weeks or more?) They have moved him back to Wednesday. What will the current scan read…..WHEN they do one? I’m watching him fade more every day. And listen to people tell him he needs to BEAT this. His doctor has already told him, it’s stage 4, terminal, and that there is no coming back from this. He’s got no strength, no body mass with which TO fight.

I’m living in terror now. Every night I watch him breathe to make sure he IS breathing. I hold his hand to WARM it because even with the thermostat set at 70° he is STILL cold. Last night at 9pm, I went in to wake him from his nap. I snuggled my head in carefully to his left shoulder and kissed his cheek.

It was cold.

Instant terror.

Then I saw him breathing.

This is a crazy way to live.

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Today…and tomorrow…..

sunset 1.jpeg

This photo is from early last summer. I just hit it at the right time.

Today is another beautiful day. It got to 70° yesterday. Mid 50’s today. I still wore my Birkenstock sandals!! I know, I know..I’m jumpin’ the gun and now we’ll get 27.3″ of snow on Easter.

Sorry.

Not.

Nick is doing well today. His sister is here for a visit. Visitors perk him up. It’s so nice to see that.

A photo arrived via fed-up yesterday. (yes, fedup….we deal with them every day)  OMG it’s even more GORGEOUS in real life Val!!!!  Thank you for this!! And I hope you get orders for more of them. Wouldn’t it be nice to be home all day with GG? OK, Sierra and Little Richard. *smiles*

I slept all night long and yet I’m exhausted today. Sitting here YAWNING!!!

Meeting tonight and early bed…………………..later taters…

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