I’m coming to know this more and more…..

please dont judge.jpg

Each day it gets harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.

Last night, I got mad at Nick. I maybe can’t say mad…more like frustrated.

I work all day ….. and come home to a mess. Granted he rinses his dishes…and puts them on the counter…..right above the dishwasher. Recycles…go on the counter closest to the basement door instead of walking 3 more feet and opening a door to throw them. A big plastic jug, I took the screw cover off, put on the counter and put the jug NEXT to it. He put the lid back on and moved it further away from the basement door. (I did that one as a test. He failed)

I’m exhausted when I get home. Then I hear “I’m helping out as much as I can!”…no luv…..you are making more work for me. I don’t say this out loud but I feel guilt.

When we moved? I got yelled at SO many times to put the boxes where they were to STAY because he didn’t want to move them twice.  So it’s OK to move things 3 times now??  *throws hands up in confusion*

I know it sounds petty but seriously……he wants me to do nothing but cuddle on the couch when I get home from work……..which I am more than willing to do….but AFTER I clean up his messes.

Which…..really? Should I have to clean up? He spent the morning in the garage yesterday. So he did have the energy to take care of these few things. The few things that would have saved me close to 45 minutes last night.

I’ll shut up now.

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Apparently I forgot to title this one!! ugh


They put Nick on a new regime of Chemo a couple months back. Every Friday…..or so I thought.

Now, they are going to do Chemo 3 weeks on, one week off. The Scan 10 days ago shows that the Cancer has not shrunk…….but it has not grown. I may have told y’all this already but I am seriously brain fried lately with all that we had to do for the benefit. I’m glad that is behind us so Nick and I can go back to normal…..whatever the hell THAT is.

He’s put on some weight. Not much but I do think every pound helps. He got as high as 117lbs but is now hovering around 114-115lbs.

He just sleeps when he crashes. So he’s changed his chemo to Fridays. He’s hopped up on Steroids and Anti Nausea meds from Friday to Sunday night. Which means we can actually DO something on the weekends instead of me sitting there watching him sleep. Maybe we can have SOME semblance of a life. Not what I expected when he and I married….but we are together…for as long as God wills.

Megann really hopes he makes it to her wedding. Sept 10th she and Trav will tie the knot. I hope he does too. I hope he makes it longer, too. After Christmas would be nice.  We are trying to live every day like it’s his last….which can be heartbreaking.  Sometimes we just sit on the futon, me holding him…and soon I hear his gentle snoring signalling that he’s crashed again. I just hold him…and stroke what is left of his hair. It’s coming out in handfuls of 8-10 strands every time I run my fingers thru it…..so then I stop. He wants to shave his head. I won’t let him…..funny thing is his hair is thinning equally. It’s not leaving huge bald spots like *gasp* in the movies cause we all know how real THAT can be….*

He’s getting very bored sitting home…..alone….every day. I don’t blame him. He doesn’t have enough energy for housework. Putting the dishes away out of the dishwasher taxes his strength. Even carrying in the bag with 3 lightweight sleeping bags and a blanket in it….did him in.

And it’s hard not to step in and do it for him. He needs to feel needed and useful. So I do my best to let that happen.

And it’s heartbreaking…….

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Good Morning one and all……

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Well I spose I should get back at this!!

Hope everyone is doing well.

We are finally going to try a trip more than 2 hours from home.

Nick wants to go to his sisters. 5plus hours of driving. I’m thinkin’ we may go half way and stay at a friends house over night. Then go the rest of the way the next morning.

He started crashing last night.

So we’ll see.


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I wish……

step off bro i got this.jpg

I do wish………for a day, an hour…..someone else would take over worrying about Nick. And let me be me again.

grief never ends

I would like to be ‘us’ for a day. For an hour. Without this cancer thing hanging over our heads. The benefit was a good success and we really enjoyed seeing SO many of our friends there! It was wonderful. Ask me sometime about the ONLY people who did any bitching. Betcha got that figured out already, don’tcha?? His child keeps putting in his cards “We are counting on you to beat this cancer.” It upsets Nick but apparently that doesn’t matter. Or they wouldn’t do this. It sets him up to fail. So it frustrates him because what more can he do?

Nick is at Chemo right now. Then he’s off to Jefferson for the car show/swap meet. He feels pretty good when he’s hopped up on steroids and anti nausea meds. That usually lasts 2 days. But his crashes are not nearly as bad as they were. He’ll be home later Saturday then we are off to STARSHIP at Black River Falls. 9pm concert…..it will be interesting to see if he actually makes it thru the whole thing without snoring. I’ll just hold him upright.

CT Scan last Thursday says the tumors have not shrunk…..but they have not grown either. So maybe, even tho the Chemo has been so sporadic, it’s still working…? And by working, I mean holding off the inevitable and giving him the time he would like to have…..because of where the tumors are….being cured is NOT an option.

And we both hate being reminded of that all the time. It’s hard enough as it is….

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Sometimes that’s so HARD to do!!


I read this. Then I read it again. And it was pretty uplifting today.

Yesterday, a dear friend of mine lost his best friend. When he told me Finn was gone, I got this lump in my throat, and my eyes started to leak.

you smell like love.jpg

I don’t think I had the honor of meeting Finn. But I did hear stories and saw photos of a handsome best friend of my friend. Finn was a gorgeous dog. Sleek and what a coat on him.

And I thought back to the day, that still seems like yesterday, when I held Bear as he slipped from this world to the next one.

The pain is real.

And they are not ‘just a dog’

They are here for us when no one else is.

i love you i love you etc.jpg

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LOVE this photo……


I like to dream big. I have SO many things I want to do. Yet when I try? I find people love to try and knock that out of you.

Are they jealous because you think of big fun things to do? And they can’t? Because you want to IMPROVE your life instead of wallowing in it?

Why can’t people just say “OH wow!! That sounds COOL!! What can I do to help?” and want to be a part of it, instead of “That’s stupid. It will look awful.”

How do you know what I am thinking in my head? You can’t read my mind.

*Throws hands in the air*

I’m doing a Benefit Wrap Party on Saturday for all our volunteers……It should be fun!

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I need a vaca…..


Last night……I went home….and started sorting….I got it about 1/3 done. I was in no hurry. Just going to meander thru what is left and put things away…put them back…..send them back to their owners who let us borrow…..

Nick called me over to the couch where he’d been sleeping. “I’m still cheesin’…!” he smiled at me. Saturday made him beyond happy.

We may have to do another one. JUST a nice party instead. At our house. Stay tuned…..

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Overwhelming. Just overwhelming …… is the only word I can think of for the love and support Nick and I rec’d on Saturday. Hundreds of people came to be there for Nick and for me. Nick and I hugged SO many of you!! It was just WONDERFUL!! We were both so happy to see each of you there to support his cause.

Nick says he has NOT felt THAT good in 5 months.

A comment from a dear friend: “I think it was great and the positive energy in the room had to give Nick some extra reserves to keep fighting the good fight. He had a beautiful smile radiating on his face during the benefit. When Nick and you were dancing it was beautiful and gave everyone pause to appreciate today and be loving in their actions.”

I think that says it all.

And to say Thank you to each of you seems so inadequate, so not enough, even tho it is so heartfelt.

Thank you.

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