Because I am an AWESOME wife……

………………*smiles*

I set up for Nick to “Play with” this for the weekend. Kind of “it’s on his bucket list, help me fulfill it?” kind of thing.

2016 F150 with 2.7 Eco-boost engine. Blue Flame. 33 miles on it when I picked her up on Friday night.

OMG THIS THING SHITS AND GITS!! I want one!!!

$49.945.00…… or ….on sale for $39,472.00

*thud*

I had to take her back this morning.

I almost cried.

Nick is not doing well. He dropped to 109.5lbs Saturday morning. This really hits his mental state.

Sunday evening, I was in the living room with the TV on and I was on the phone with my friend Jon. All of a sudden, I could hear Nick in the bathroom, trying not to scream in pain. I told Jon “I gotta go. Something’s wrong.” clicked off, threw the phone and ran to the bathroom. There is Nick, leaning on the wall gasping in pain.

Yes, he was on time with his meds.

This is getting worse by the day now.

I’ll be calling the doctor today. We are having good HOURS. Not good days now.

I just got off the phone with him. Same pain this morning just trying to slide a window closed.

This can’t be good.

And that’s all I have to say for this weekend….

PeRfEcT way to put it….

I love people for a lot of different reasons. Mostly because I generally just love people.

The joy they can bring into my life, the way they can make me smile, giggle or belly laugh.

The simple things like sitting around the kitchen table having a glass of wine or 6. *hic* , helping me plant trees, move flowers, or just sitting on my ‘verONda’ with me.

Listening, holding me, or just being there when I’m losing it. Words of advise, comfort and care.

I have some wonderful people in my life. And I hope they know how wonderful they are….

Maybe not so much anymore…..

………..because I’m finding myself becoming more and more angry. We can’t go out to eat. We can’t drive more than an hour. We can’t eat food done on the grill. We can’t do this. We can’t do that. Nothing anymore…but sit together. And sleep in the same bed.

We’ve been a very active couple …………so this forced ‘nothingness’ is hard to take. I’ve put on another 10 lbs and am vigorously trying to REMOVE it now that it’s walk-able weather outside. It’s just one more thing that makes me angry. This menopause bullshit is for the birds. Actually I could care less about all of that except the fact it drops your metabolism down to NOTHING. I feel like crap and it’s hard to be upbeat for Nick. Very hard.

He’s getting weaker; and he is down to 111lbs as of this morning. And I’m feeling more and more lost as to how to help him.

This sucks.

Big time.

One day……

I hope I inspire my grandchildren to take a journey ……..one that neither their parents nor I have taken. I love to travel and see new places. I hope they do too.

In other news, Nick is all pissed off *welcome to MY world* about his trip to the grocery store yesterday. Seems they gave him the 5% senior citizen discount…without asking.

oops.

And yet…..

I’m not sure I like heading where I have no choice.

I can only see it being ‘more important’ because it will make me a stronger person. I will lose Nick. Sooner than later. I am not ready for that. I’ll never be ready for that.

I say that now…but I know watching him suffer will take its toll on me. And I’ll pray for a peaceful and dignified end for him, no matter the pain it costs me.

Two little girls….

…..wanted their Papa on Friday night.

And they got him…..till after he ate and got sick.

We went home early.

Again.

All the time…..

Early this morning, Nick asked me….”How many nights do we have left?”

How does one answer that?

********************************************

Yesterday was a LONG day at the hospital/clinic.  His appointment was scheduled for 9:30am.

Ya….they screwed up again.

He didn’t get in till 2:45pm. That’s a LONG day for someone feeling as crappy as he was. Luckily he slept most of the time we waited. Me? I was stuck in an uncomfortable chair for over 4 hours. I’m as sore and tired today as he is.  And I cannot say I got a lot of crocheting done either. Those chairs were THAT uncomfortable.

But I’m lovin’ how this stitch is turning out. It looks wonderful.

The procedure yesterday shot steroids on either side of the blood vessel leading to the pancreatic area. This is to dull or deaden the pain he’s having. It can be quite severe. If this works, they can go in again in 6-12 weeks and ‘kill’ the nerves with alcohol. They will grow back in a year or so……I just sat there thinkin’ if only.

Which brought us back to the question at 4am.

“How many nights do we have left…..?”

 

Heartbreaking….

For some reason, lately I’ve been wired when I get home and I cannot sleep. Last night it was after 11pm again. Nick hates it when I stay up later. He just wants me in bed to cuddle. Which I get. But I’d also rather let him get sleep. I would just lay there tossing and turning.

Last night, I finally went into bed after 11pm. Nick had rolled over on his right side so there was room for me to snuggle in behind him. He wants me to hold him as he is SO cold all the time. So I snuggled up behind him and started stroking his hair, just holding him close.

And discovered how little hair there is left. Wisps here and there but actually pretty uniform over his head. He has not lost CLUMPS that have left holes yet it is so thin, becoming grey….

And he is so thin. It’s heartbreaking. I laid there and sobbed.

So last night it hit … how am I going to take care of him? This is going to be beyond anything I’ve had to do over the last 20+ years. It makes the alcoholic thing look like a piece of cake. We’ve had some pretty rough patches over the last 22-23 years….and yet somehow we’ve always made it thru them.

This time it’s lookin’ kinda iffy..

I have to think this…..

….more and more.

I hear people say things to me and it’s seriously like “What? Who? ME??? no…that’s not ME….why would you think I want that, would do that, need that?” What cracks me up is when I DON’T do what they have said I would/accused me of/wander off somewhere else …. the confusion and the backpedaling is HILARIOUS!  So yes, I know this is true.

Speaking of peddling…..I asked Nick if he could drag my bike out. He doesn’t think he can do it alone, that I’ll have to help him. OK. I guess I’m just going to have to do everything myself now. And not even ask him. He gets so depressed so quickly…seems like anything I ask him to do and he can’t….upsets him. (Like when he’s told he HAS to beat this cancer. Stop telling him that please)

Anyway…I have a perfect 3.2 mile loop I can ride bike on. And I’m going to do it. Every night. And figure out how to do it when it’s raining. I have several Australian Drover coats. Wonder if it will get tangled up in the spokes…….or chain…..or pedals. I hate crashing…..

I can’t walk the loop. My right hip just SCREAMS at me when I do because I cannot walk up on the pavement where it’s level. Walking on the gravel that slants to the ditch……I’m waiting to roll off into the ditch…..*snortz*  I swear my metabolism has just stopped. Dead in the water. No movement whatsoever. Kicking it just makes it give me a dirty look. *smiles weakly*

So fingers crossed. No more bread (says the bread whore) and more exercise…..ugh.

Who wants to bike with me? And no, no motorcycles allowed…..