…has been a very difficult one so far.
To watch Nick simply fade away like he is doing is heartbreaking to me.
Nick has always had an incredible appetite. Especially for things I make that he loves. I have Chicken in the crock pot at home right now. I couldn’t ever keep him from sneaking a bite. Potato Soup…his favorite and he would eat 5 bowls of the stuff. My beef stew…nothing. He just turns away from everything now. As far as I know he hasn’t eaten a bite today. He has very little appetite at all on a GOOD day. This morning, the dry heaves hit him. So he will eat nothing today. Nothing. He is shutting down.
He sleeps so lightly now, and most of the day, too. His eyes will find me as I crawl into bed, relieved when I finally get there. I wait till he is in bed to do a lot of MY stuff so I’m there if he should need me. He doesn’t like waking to find me gone. He’ll hold my hand or put his hand my leg……all night. It’s just like I’m a lifeline to this world for him.
He is constantly talking about getting his cars done yet. This won’t happen anymore. He’s so thin. He has no strength. This man once gave me a hug 36 minutes long. Now I’m lucky if he can stay awake for more than 3.6 minutes.
I’m watching him sleep more and more till one day he won’t wake up anymore. I just hope I will get to tell him one more time, just how much I do love him, what a difference he’s made in my life, how he taught me to love and how to make love.
We had some rough years. We had some AWESOME years. I wouldn’t give any of them up for love or money. Our experiences together have made me the person I am today and actually? I like me.
Well for the most part I like me. I’ve done what I need to do to survive. And I will continue to so.
I will also continue to do what I need to in order for Nick to be comfortable as long as I can. Then Hospice will take over. They are coming on Wednesday to install a shower bar. I’m thinking soon a hospital bed will be needed. I need to change sheets so often because he’s freezing when he crawls into bed, wraps himself in a down comforter and proceeds to sweat. All I do is change sheets and do laundry.
And watch him fade away.
I sometimes go into the bathroom…here at work or at home. And just cry. I’d like to just fall back into the wall and slide to the floor, just let it out. But I cannot afford to break down.
There will be plenty of time for that later because right now? He needs me.
I am alone in this. Just as he is alone with his thoughts now…..