I think Nick is trying to tell me something…..

I wear Nick’s wedding ring. I just do because I need to.

I had it on my right hand with his other ring. But I keep losing it because my finger is too small. (The Kokopelli ring is the one I bought him in Mexico that caused SUCH  a furor when we got home. Texts were FLYING around the table at Megann’s birthday party…..!! Finally someone asked if we’d gotten married…….and we just smiled……for awhile….middle ring is my favorite Silpada)

So I put his wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I was too scared about losing it. You can see how it’s looped. I thought it was pretty secure.

This morning is the THIRD time that ring has come off that chain without the chain coming off my neck. There is no clasp. It’s an endless loop. I got into the bathroom this morning, felt the chain for the ring like I do constantly…..and it’s freakin’ GONE! I raced back to my bedroom…fling back the covers….and there it is. Laying in the middle of my bed.

Apparently Nick doesn’t want it on my right hand. Or on a chain around my neck.

So I moved it to my LEFT hand. If it comes off there…………….? I’m officially freaking out.

I just wish I could see him one more time.

My bootiful new daughter…

Earn is from Thailand. And she is a DELIGHT! Helpful, fun, funny, easy to get along with. Fairly easy to communicate with and that will change within the month. They pick up language so much easier at a younger age!

I have another young lady to add to my harem of children!! She’s easily lovable and BONUS!! She likes to Fish!! So Cullan, Caiden and Logan will be VERY happy!! Cullan’s reply? “SWEET!!”

School starts tomorrow. She is SO excited……Yesterday we got her registered and signed up for classes. I think she’ll do just fine.

 

IL was great!

I left work Friday at noon, headed to the lawyers office, then I was off to IL to see Tom and the “Illinois Mafia” As always, it was a good time.

My ‘new daughter’ let me know her flight came in Saturday night instead of Monday or Tuesday of this week. So I headed back Saturday evening instead of Sunday. I arrived an hour earlier than I needed to so I got to relax for a while before her plane came in. Then the new luggage handler missed a bunch of suitcases so we spent an extra 45 minutes in the airport……….We didn’t get home till after 11pm.

~~yawn~~

But she is adorable…fun, sweet, nice and I’m enjoying having her there.

Sunday we took the truck up to the Ettrick Days Car Show. Inside the truck I set up the canvas of Nick and I, and the autographed photo of Jack Roush.

First show without him. Thank God so many of my friends came. It helped to have people around. I was kind of surprised that I didn’t win anything since so many people said they were voting for me but that’s ok.

And Earn there was fun. She LOVES little kids so she was at the playground equipment with them. Her smile is so beautiful.

It was a good weekend after all. I’m looking forward to 3 days off this coming weekend.

I’m off like a dirty shirt….!

…or as my daughter *who was 10 at the time said* No mom! like a dirty PROM dress!!!

Heading to IL today to deliver this beauty. It’s a radio bar. Nick bought it way back when. A fully furnished and finished one sold in the later 90’s for $1,600. This one is not furnished but the finish is awesome. It will look wonderful in Tom’s house.

We are going out for supper tonite, cruising around in the ’57 convertible pictured below. This is the car Nick ran down the track at Byron Meltdown Drags. Tom would say in front of Nick that I was HIS girlfriend but don’t tell Nick. He’s a sweet man I’m very happy to have in my life.

Most people know of Tom, Dick and Harry. Well, in the photo below is Tom, Nick and Harry.

Tom is the one I’m going to see. The blue and white convertible behind the guys is the one I’ll be cruisin’ in tonite! Nick is in the middle and Harry is the guy that makes awesome trophies and buttons and stickers.  Like this one:

Hitch in my git along……I must stop at the lawyer’s office to sign some paperwork. His office is downtown, and driving there will suck since there is SO much construction right now. Single lanes and no one will give an inch because OMG you might get there before they do!!!

Ok, back to what I was doing. Hugs to all and to all a good Day!!!

They’re circling….

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahaha!!!

I’m sorry. I’m just finding this…..odd? I’ve known these guys for 10 to 30 plus years.

And I watch them jockey for time to spend with me….now that Nick is gone.

Can I be alone for a while? Granted I’ve been grieving for Nick for way over a year. But still…….

Nick and I joked about my finding someone new…..I’d say to him….”Thanks for throwing me back out into the dating scene!!!” He would reply with “Well, So and So has waited long enough.” Thereby giving his blessing to this guy. I told him I wanted to pick my own IF I decide to get into another relationship. Which could be a while.

The one man I had thought would be fun to get to know on a more intimate level later…..suddenly is no longer interested. I’m no longer forbidden so I must not be as much fun. But I did think we were friends………

Pffffft…Whatever.

It will be awhile before anything really happens. I think I’m maintaining pretty good and then there are days I simply cannot breathe. But they are getting further apart as I continue to remember he is no longer in pain. That he IS in a better place.

I hope you and Bear are having some good times hon!!

I miss him more than words can say. I miss his hands on me, his lips on mine, his body next to me. More than 22 years is a long time and I know how I am feeling.

So I can’t hardly imagine the pain of losing someone after 50plus years together. I think I can now understand why the surviving spouse only lasts 6 months sometimes. Dying of a broken heart is true.

You can.

Well I THOUGHT I slept well!

I didn’t get up a dozen times and I thought I did OK staying asleep.

Apparently I didn’t.

I must be having some good dreams. Just wish I could remember them.

Last night after I got back from Winona, Kevin came over and helped me get rid of a huge pile of green branches off my fire pit. Then we took the starter and relay off the F100. Kevin will drop them off to get rebuilt and new. Hopefully it will be ready to take her up to the show on Sunday in Ettrick.

I’m also wishing it was Friday so I could leave at noon to head to Tom’s in IL. I miss that bunch down there. They are great fun people.

Wonder if any of them have a motorcycle……..?

 

This doing things alone……

……….is for the birds. One only comes to realize how much the other does….when the other one is gone.

I spent 2 hours on the lawn mower last night. I hit 2 patches of Burning Nettles so tonight I get to play Whack A Weed. My left leg and arm have nettle bumps. GRRRRRRR

I also get to move a HUGE pile of brush because for some reason, the people that trimmed my honeysuckle tree, threw GREEN stuff on my FIRE PIT instead of asking where it should go. I’ll need to move it all over to the brush pile to dry so I can burn it. Funny thing is, I only mentioned I needed to do it because I found my little hand saw. I didn’t even ASK them to do this trimming.

But AFTER it was done, then I found out  –   the kid wants to use my car hauling trailer.

Sorry…ain’t gonna happen. He’s 21 and just totaled his car. Needs to haul another one home. Not on my trailer. When Nick died, my lawn needed mowing. I asked him to do it. He does a BEAUTIFUL job…

But he treats his mother with NO respect.  I had them help me a bit in the house and OMG………..no. Never again. How rude!

I also need to get out the push mower and do some trimming. I have a crap load of sticks to pick up and break up for kindling.

So when I get home tonight….I get to play outside again for a while. Whack a Weed. I’ll have to get before and after photos.

And some goats. I think I’ll get goats. Nature’s lawn mowers.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahah!!

 

 

 

**yawn**

I have a wonderful friend….he calls to check on me every day. He and Nick were good friends. And I think he’s taking this pretty hard. I met him over 30 years ago. His wife and my ex knew each other. That’s how J and I met. ‘Nuff said.

He has some doors that will fit on my house. So I’ll be going to get them soon. Taking Earn to meet his mom. She’s adorabubble. And she loves me. She’s in her early 80’s so I need to go see her as often as I can.

I have another friend who has promised to take me on a motorcycle ride. I hope he shows up soon. I would like to go although I may have to go to his shop to get it. That’s OK, Tomah isn’t that far.  annnnnnnnnnnd I just got a text; he’s in Deadwood….guess I’ll be waiting…..

Last night, it was late when my friend J called. We talked for 2+ hours. It was 2am when I finally shut down. So I am zausted today. It couldn’t be that I’m still a bit hungover …… could it??

ugh.

Holly and I went out for burgers at Beaches Saturday night. And I proceeded to enjoy a few too many Smirnoff’s between the bar and home. Yes, we went home. I don’t like to drive or ride in a car after too many drinks. I feel safer at home. When Stuart brought the first Smirnoff he asked me if I wanted a glass. I asked him why waste the time?

and I didn’t waste any.

I know I’m drinking more. I also know I shouldn’t. And I also know it’s a phase. I would not disrespect my Grandmother by becoming a lush. She would come down and haunt me.

Sunday morning….about 2am, Sprint decided he needed to jump up on my bed….on my hand that was on Nick’s side. It startled me awake. I must have been dreaming about him because when I opened my eyes, Nick was there.

Just for a second. But he was there. And I could feel him.

I laid there and cried.

Thursday afternoon, anyone who would like, can meet us at the cemetery. They’ve already set his headstone. We are just getting together to remember. I’m going to take along a bunch of votive cups and candles.

He had his faults, he did some stupid stuff, he hurt me more than once. But in the end? I wouldn’t give up knowing him for all the money in the world.

That young man….

….has such a calming effect on me.

Playing with 2 kids and just look at that genuine smile on his face…….like he really enjoys being with my grandkids. I know they love him to bits and back.

And I think he does enjoy spending time with the little ones. He gets on like wildfire with everyone here.

I’m so proud to have this young man in my life. He was with me in the worst at the beginning, and he’s here to say Good Bye to his ‘Muricon Dad.

He didn’t have to.

He wanted to.

That makes him a rock star in my eyes…..

Te voglio bene, Matteo……and all of your family.

Ford night at the local drive in…

So last night, I get home from work, hug and kiss my daughter good bye….(she’d been up helping me get ready for company), grabbed the keys to this, hopped in, fired her up, and off we went to Ford Night at Lakeview Drive In in Winona.

It wasn’t that easy.

I could see Nick in the truck with me. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes started leaking and they wouldn’t stop. I could hear him telling me how to drive that truck. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t turn that truck around either. It just kept going towards Winona.

I knew the first time I fired her up and drove would be difficult but Holy Buckets…..That was beyond even what I was expecting. I got in this crowd of people and I’m still crying. And for some reason I JUST couldn’t turn around. It’s like I NEEDED to be there.

Then I found Blaine. He had stopped by Nick on the way down. His eyes were red too. So that sent me into fresh waves…….

Each new “Without Nick” experience will be rough…..and yet bring me closer to healing and learning to cope without him.

Not that I want to.

I have to.

I miss him.