I may need to change the name…

…..to MY journey thru recovery. I’ve barely started.

The moment  you left me

I miss Nick. Desperately. I always will. We were the other half of each other. So incomplete when we were alone. Even when we were fighting and broke up…only to get back together.

Will I ever find a love like that again? That intense? That frustrating? That fulfilling?

Will I have that kind of friendship? I don’t know. I’d like to find out……but on my terms. I find myself thinking “I gotta tell Nick about this when I get……home.” There are times when this hits me like a brick wall and I simply cannot breathe.

And yet, I’m finding being alone…..isn’t so bad at times, because right now I have so much to do, it’s keeping me busy. As long as I stay busy, I’m OK.  Maybe I’ll make it thru this……

But when it’s dark out, and I can no longer put off going to bed…..that’s when the memories start.

My grandson had gone home mid afternoon Sunday. I had Fred check out a lawn mower and get one going for me so I can trim around the buildings and trees. Then Penny came and I got a gift sorted. I worked on more Thank you notes. Due to some changes, my internet isn’t working just right and I have no Netflix right now. So, regular TV it was…with nothing on. So I watched a movie instead. …………… Marilyn Hotchkiss’  Ballroom Dancing & Charm School. I adore Robert Carlyle. So it was a pleasant evening. In the oblivion of a movie. There is a scene in this movie that brought back some intense memories.

Then I went to bed. The memories flood over me. I see his photo next to the bed and I just stare at it…wondering if it’s true or he’s just gone for a car show/swap meet. Then it hits me.

And I miss him anew.

Posted in Me

12 thoughts on “I may need to change the name…

  1. Welcome to the aftermath, when all goes quiet and you find yourself alone with your thoughts and memories and no idea what you can do, should do, are supposed to do next.

    Time heals, so just remember this during your darkest moments, a time will come when you CAN remember him and smile without tears, laugh without pain, love without limit.

    Not yet though. Maybe not for a while yet.

    In the meantime, one foot in front of the other, ever onward. Life will bring what it brings, whether that’s new love or loneliness. Either way, I think you’ll discover you’re far more resilient than you currently give yourself credit for.



    Liked by 2 people

      1. Not a secret, he just FORGOT to cancel his Medicare which just went into effect in June and is costing us a small fortune being deducted from his SSD check. Of course, the SSA runs behind, so the first notification *I* got of it was in yesterday’s mail, which informed me that $402 of his measly $747 check will be deducted for the months of July, August, and September.

        Great. The movers are charging $450 and now his SSD check won’t even cover that. I’ll be damned if I’ll ask my folks to lend us another cent. Bottom line, I was in the hospital when Simon got the first notification that he now qualified for Medicare, and that he had to actively DECLINE coverage or it would begin automatically. All he needed to do was check “I decline” on that piece of mail and send it back to SSA.


        Liked by 1 person

  2. When I held my granddaughter for the first time I thought “My mom would adore her” My dad would have spoiled her. I still have moments after 19 years. But they leave a smile, also a tear. But the tear matches the smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Saw this today and thought of you…

    “A woman’s strength isn’t just about how much she can handle before she breaks, it’s also about how much she must handle after she’s broken.”


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