Last night, Jegs ‘snapped’ out of his depression over Dad being gone. He was a total different dog. Happy, bouncy, glad to see ME for the first time in MONTHS. It was a great thing to see my boy better. It did MY heart good. I had a better evening.
The cat. He’s getting more and more demanding I pet him. All. Night. Long. Let me sleep cat or you are in a kennel.
And now me. How am I doing. I sit at home, missing Nick and yet the tears are not so often. They can still be quite the cryin’ jag……..but just not as often.
You see? I’ve been mourning Nick since he was diagnosed. I somehow knew in my gut that this wouldn’t turn out well.
When we got the ‘all clear’ in April…I thought “this is too good to be true.”
August it was back.
Confirmed in November after a bunch of testing.
December came the news (3 weeks after the Nov Confirmation) that it had already moved into his pancreas.
As his pain got worse and worse, I couldn’t pray for a miracle because I knew it wouldn’t happen. I never told Nick that. He kept praying every night for God to take his cancer away.
God had other plans.
I prayed for a peaceful and dignified end.
He got that. I made SURE he got that. THAT was MY prayer and wish and hope. He didn’t want to be in a hospital or a nursing home. I made sure he wasn’t. He wanted to be surrounded by loved ones. I made sure of that even tho THEY said “Well, I spose I could come for a couple hours.”
Don’t strain yourself.
So you see, I’ve already been mourning my man for a year. I lost a lot of what a relationship is all about over the course of this last year. All the fun stuff we could do together and really enjoy it. The intimacy of husband and wife. Going for walks, bike rides, car cruises…they all took so much out of him so things just stopped. He mourned those things too.
Then I became a caregiver to a man I loved dearly. All I wanted for him is for him to go out the way HE wanted.
I did that. Because I loved him. I still do.
And I miss him.
And I always will.