*throws hands in air*

altered serenity prayer.jpg

Person #5 called me last night about the twit child getting his car.

What part of ‘get me a set of keys and it will be taken care of’ is so difficult to understand?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We had a hello of a storm come up, blasted us, and left all in a quick whirlwind. I do NOT like being alone in a storm. But I managed to do this, even taking a shower during it (shhh can’t hear the flash and bang show in the shower!) The power went out so I took candles in the shower just in case…..; now to prevent inane remarks? There are 2 shelves up in the corners that the little votive candles sit on just perfectly. So no, they did not drown in the shower. They glowed quite nicely. So I even left the lights off.

It was very nice.

Just wish Nick was there to enjoy it with me….

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Earn Thipnittha is my new daughter from Thailand. I may not have made that clear……? I have YET to communicate with her because of the principal from the school being gone. Well it’s all set up….and I haven’t gotten her info packet yet. Hope it shows today!!!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Matteo will be back Thursday evening. He’ll go with me to meet friends and celebrate Nick’s birthday with us. Then he’s off to a football game, then back to my house. Limoncello awaits!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Our friend GG is still clear of cancer. This is such a joy! and yet it pains me to know he can’t enjoy it with Nick. Those two got on like wildfire. And it was fun to watch.

GG and Nick

This was a typical photo of them. We’d get out of our vehicles, those two would stand and talk for HOURS. They ‘got’ each other and how the cancer and treatment made them feel. We could sympathize and know what we, as spouses, were going thru WITH them; but only another cancer patient KNOWS.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have so much going on right now that my secretary needs a secretary….. I need a break.

Y’all have a NICE day!

Posted in Me

I hate these bad nights…..

…and it was a doosey last night. JUST couldn’t stop thinking about Nick and all the things we wanted to do together; while I’m trying to get another bedroom ready.

I joined AirBnB.

Friday.

Monday I got my first client!!! They are coming this FRIDAY!!!

Crap.

I’m not ready! I figured it would be MONTHS before anyone discovered me. 3 DAYS! But I’m looking forward to it. I have the one bedroom ready. I’m trying to get the other one ready too, so my student can pick which one she wants. The other I will keep ready for AirBnB clients.

So, yes, I finally got the all clear for Thipnittha to arrive on Aug 30th or 31st.

I should do a contest.

Thip?
Tip?
Nitta?
Nitty?

What would be a good nickname for her?

Maybe I’ll just call her Bella.

ALL MY DUCKS ARE AT LEAST IN THE SAME POND

 

 

Posted in Me

Saturday night…..(added)

…..and the moon is out….I’m gonna head on over to the Twist and Shout….Well, actually, I headed north and found some Seagram’s Margarita ….. something or other….*hic* I had a prescription for it….the bartender said “it’s a receipt lady!”…..*waves hand* … whatever….

I took off Saturday afternoon. Filled up the cat’s bowl, opened the lid on the toilet, dropped Jegs at my friend T & L’s house and disappeared. Just needed to get away.

Several reasons…..I felt betrayed by a friend that I care about ; it hurts. I needed to get away. I wanted to be away from here. I needed some time to NOT be a caretaker with no one to take care of. I needed someone to treat me like they KNEW I am/was Nick’s wife, a human, a person, and not a hired nurse or like I was non existent. I need to start finding ‘Boo’ again. I need to know who I am.

So I went to stay overnight with a friend. I have my own room at their house. It’s nice. I can go stay there any time I want. And I will be doing this again …. soon. J and I have been friends for over 30 years. We can talk ………….. and talk………….and talk……….and enjoy each others company. It was good to be there.

We went for supper, did a little bar hopping. After the 2nd drink with supper, I handed J the keys and said “You are driving.” *hic*…………I danced on the windshield to the song ‘Bop’ as we were driving down the road and sang to my hearts content. J’s just laughing at me. I felt good.

It was good to let loose. And it was strange to know I didn’t have anyone to answer to for my behavior but myself.  I didn’t have to worry about Nick at home waiting for me. I didn’t have to worry about him wondering where I was, if I was safe. I am safe with J.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sunday, I went to visit my Bill.

Bill and Boo before Canada

I didn’t get a new selfie with him, altho I thought of it…..and forgot it. Dang it.

Bill turns 95 today. He’s still doing quite well. He is such a great guy…..love him to bits and back. His brother Jack came to pick him up for his birthday party while I was there…(that was the plan and we timed it to work that way)….Then I could see Jack too.

I will dread the day I lose Bill. He’s been an awesome person in my life and I’m very proud to know him.

Y’all have a NICE day!

* * * *

and on a foot note

And I feel no regrets for what I did, the drinking, the flirting, the being me. It’s amazing!

Posted in Me

So I went into my voicemail last night…..

…..and this may not have been the best thing to do yet.

Hearing his voice………….kinda knocked me on my ass.

He sounded so weak. So desperate. and yet it was so good to hear his voice.

“Can you PLEASE bring home some GOOD Root Beer? That would REALLY hit the spot!”

I did. Specter’s? Root Beer. From Farm and Barn. He loved it.

A&W RB really made him ill. Blech.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I am 1 1/2 pounds from the weight loss goal I set for myself on July 5th. Almost 12 pounds gone!! I will maintain this for a bit, then set another 12 lb goal. Setting a goal of 50lbs is unrealistic. Setting a goal of getting back to your original weight is VERY unrealistic. 7lbs 12oz wouldn’t look good on me. *smiles weakly*

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Meteor showers after midnight for the next couple of nights. I’m going to visit a friend Saturday night so I can go visit my Freedom Honor Flight veteran Bill on Sunday, who turns 95 on Monday. Hopefully we’ll get to watch the showers. It was too overcast last night to see them. Problem is ….they show up after midnight. I’ll be sleeping by 10pm…….sigh. It will be nice to get away by myself. Bill knows about Nick but I still want to hug him. It’s almost 3 hours to Hudson but I don’t care. I just would like to see him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Went to Joan’s wake last night. Found some people I hadn’t seen in a while. They didn’t know about Nick. They say this goes in 3’s. Joan was the third. I hope it has ended for a long time now.

Y’all have a nice day.

Posted in Me

How long does one mourn….?

Last night, Jegs ‘snapped’ out of his depression over Dad being gone. He was a total different dog. Happy, bouncy, glad to see ME for the first time in MONTHS. It was a great thing to see my boy better. It did MY heart good. I had a better evening.

The cat. He’s getting more and more demanding I pet him. All. Night. Long. Let me sleep cat or you are in a kennel.

And now me. How am I doing. I sit at home, missing Nick and yet the tears are not so often. They can still be quite the cryin’ jag……..but just not as often.

You see? I’ve been mourning Nick since he was diagnosed. I somehow knew in my gut that this wouldn’t turn out well.

When we got the ‘all clear’ in April…I thought “this is too good to be true.”

Yup.

August it was back.

Yup.

Confirmed in November after a bunch of testing.

Yup.

December came the news (3 weeks after the Nov Confirmation) that it had already moved into his pancreas.

Yup.

As his pain got worse and worse, I couldn’t pray for a miracle because I knew it wouldn’t happen. I never told Nick that. He kept praying every night for God to take his cancer away.

God had other plans.

I prayed for a peaceful and dignified end.

He got that. I made SURE he got that. THAT was MY prayer and wish and hope. He didn’t want to be in a hospital or a nursing home. I made sure he wasn’t. He wanted to be surrounded by loved ones. I made sure of that even tho THEY said “Well, I spose I could come for a couple hours.”

Don’t strain yourself.

So you see, I’ve already been mourning my man for a year. I lost a lot of what a relationship is all about over the course of this last year. All the fun stuff we could do together and really enjoy it. The intimacy of husband and wife. Going for walks, bike rides, car cruises…they all took so much out of him so things just stopped. He mourned those things too.

Then I became a caregiver to a man I loved dearly. All I wanted for him is for him to go out the way HE wanted.

I did that. Because I loved him. I still do.

And I miss him.

a great relationship doesnt happen because of the love.....

And I always will.

Posted in Me

How are you doing?

I do really appreciate that people care. I do. I’d rather not be alone.

…but my standard answer, depending on who’s asking, is

-Not worth a shit

or

-Not worth a Tinker’s Damn.

My manners still shine thru!

thud…

Yesterday I got an email telling me ANOTHER Car person died. That’s 3 since July 22nd. Hopefully it’s the end for now.

It keeps slapping me in the face how FINAL this is. And that I need to move along. I look at his clothes in the closet, his pictures around the house, the toy cars, catalogs, magazines, repair manuals and all the Ford Memorabilia we have.

Do I start packing things up?

I spose as I get boxes I could. And yet do I want to ‘remove’ him from our home?

I don’t like this being alone crap…..

 

Posted in Me

Back in school….

…and the lesson is ‘Learning to Cope’

Wonder if the University offers ‘Coping 101’ ? Cause I sure don’t do well at night. That bed is just too damn big. Even the dog sleeping in it with me doesn’t take up the room Nick used to.

I can look across the bed and SEE his dresser now. And it brings it all home……Again.Nick for paper

I gave Matteo this T-shirt of Nicks. I pulled out 4 of them, he chose two to take home. The other one is the black T-shirt with Nick’s (now mine) truck on it. I told him he could have all 4. He chose just the two. They had meaning to him. This photo is from the one of the 3 of us.

Nick Matteo Sue

We had such fun that day…..taking photos and laughing.

Nick and Sue benefit

This is everyone’s favorite photo of us.

Mine too.

Now…to start studying for class.

Posted in Me

I may need to change the name…

…..to MY journey thru recovery. I’ve barely started.

The moment  you left me

I miss Nick. Desperately. I always will. We were the other half of each other. So incomplete when we were alone. Even when we were fighting and broke up…only to get back together.

Will I ever find a love like that again? That intense? That frustrating? That fulfilling?

Will I have that kind of friendship? I don’t know. I’d like to find out……but on my terms. I find myself thinking “I gotta tell Nick about this when I get……home.” There are times when this hits me like a brick wall and I simply cannot breathe.

And yet, I’m finding being alone…..isn’t so bad at times, because right now I have so much to do, it’s keeping me busy. As long as I stay busy, I’m OK.  Maybe I’ll make it thru this……

But when it’s dark out, and I can no longer put off going to bed…..that’s when the memories start.

My grandson had gone home mid afternoon Sunday. I had Fred check out a lawn mower and get one going for me so I can trim around the buildings and trees. Then Penny came and I got a gift sorted. I worked on more Thank you notes. Due to some changes, my internet isn’t working just right and I have no Netflix right now. So, regular TV it was…with nothing on. So I watched a movie instead. …………… Marilyn Hotchkiss’  Ballroom Dancing & Charm School. I adore Robert Carlyle. So it was a pleasant evening. In the oblivion of a movie. There is a scene in this movie that brought back some intense memories.

Then I went to bed. The memories flood over me. I see his photo next to the bed and I just stare at it…wondering if it’s true or he’s just gone for a car show/swap meet. Then it hits me.

And I miss him anew.

Posted in Me