The child did NOT carry the casket to and from the funeral. He wouldn’t know how.
I wrote up a piece and hopefully they will publish it in this magazine. I wanted to clarify some things and let them know some of what Nick got to do.
I went to a Memorial Service last night honoring those that have passed recently.
I could feel Him in the Chapel. And I could feel Nick there looking at me.
I miss him. Always will.
I went to a special place last night to sit and think. It’s so peaceful and beautiful there.
Years ago, I got a phone call from a friend. “I have something to show you. Meet me over by…..” So I did. And at first I got a bit worried because it was a cemetery.
I trust him, so I went with him up into the cemetery. I saw the oak trees. They were FULL of Monarch butterflies. FULL. Like in THOUSANDS of them…
It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I can remember how I felt that day. Just standing there with my arms raised in wonderment. I can never thank M enough for showing me the natural beauty a cemetery can have.
For a half hour last night, I just sat and cried. And talked to my friend. And I talked to Nick. And I just … was.
It felt pretty damn good. I felt more at peace than I have in a while. I’ll have to go back there again soon.
(wish I’d had my camera with that day….these are from a different park I just found out about.)
It’s to start being colder now. So sitting up there will be a tad chilly. And the butterflies will be gone. I hope my friend will join me. I hope he will heal enough to realize there is still beauty out there.
And that I am here for him.
This is the first time Meg has been up to see Nick since the funeral. She stood up there for a long time. She wanted to tell him about her wonderful wedding. Missing him is a part of her daily life. Just like mine…..
Matteo went up to see him when he was here. He, too, stood for a long while.
When I stood there yesterday, it became fresh and new all over again. I told Nick how much I miss him and that it’s so hard to visit because it rips the wound open again.
He was a well loved man. I hope he knows this.
I know I wasn’t planning on writing about Nick much anymore. But last night hit me like a truck.
The rod almost came off the wall again in my closet. (damn thing) So it was time to do something. I took all my tops/dresses/sweaters out of my closet. Plus the half closet/half dresser thingymabob I had. Amoire but I can’t spell it…? It’s been delivered to my friend H, she is redoing my bedroom in to MY bedroom. I can’t sleep in OUR bedroom anymore.
Holy buckets Batman!
And that is only about half. Time to thin the herd I’d say. Sheesh!
So I’ve been looking for things I know will fit Earn and the grandsons. I’d sorted out Nick’s sock drawer, thermals, and jeans last week or so, T-shirts were in a box. Slowly working my way thru things.
Last night, I picked up a couple totes and started in on his side of closet. Almost every shirt I pulled out had a powerful memory attached to it. I put the sweater he was wearing when we got married in a protective box. I found his dark blue work shirt….that when he wore it and his faded blue jeans…OMG that man was even sexier, I could resist nothing he asked. Didn’t WANT to.
I found the thermal he was wearing in this photo. God we were young. He is so handsome.
The cream button down in this one,too…..I don’t know where that suit coat is……I still have that dress. I can’t get rid of it.
…..By the time I got to the floor I was drained. I found his cowboy boots……
I found these.
And became a helpless puddle on my bed. The tears just flowed for over an hour.
Nick finally bought 2 pair of work boots a couple years ago so he didn’t have to search for shoes. It was always a job to find ones he could wear while standing on concrete 9 hours a day. He was never to wear these. He got sick not long after we went on this shopping trip.
They have NEVER been out of the box. I didn’t even take them out last night. Just flipped up the lid…
…and lost it.
Kevin showed up to fix the rod in the closet and I could barely get up to wave him in. Laid back on the bed and the tears kept flowing. He asked if I was alright. I said no. I’m sure he felt pretty helpless, but I was beyond caring.
So he just held me. And I continued to cry. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t see.
Like I didn’t know a body could hurt and still be sane.
today…..It got me thinking.
because the man I spent time with last night is 2 1/2 years younger than I. He doesn’t care.
He told me we were going to Slippery’s in Wabasha so he could brush up on his old people dating skills. *snortz* Fun sense of humor.
He cracks me up. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh.
And he’s told me we go at MY pace.
I have no idea where he and I will end up. I just know I enjoy spending time with him.
I have nothing.
Because it did.
It’s hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes.
I heard this line in a song on Sunday.
And I understand it.
I had a dream.
It died. There is no going back to that one.
I had another dream.
It, too, has died. But in a different way. I don’t know if it will ever be a possibility no matter how much I may want it. He has to also. And he doesn’t. He used to. But not right now. This makes me very sad. I do know it’s not me. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. All over again.
Now there is a new possibility. He says he will never expect me to stop loving Nick. He says he will never expect me to let Nick’s memory die.
I need to explore this avenue. Because he knows how devastated I am from losing the love of my life.
He is patient, kind, and he can make me laugh. Even tho he’s younger than I am.
And he can dance. *smiles*
(Yes, I do….see below)