It’s getting real…

ring-bearer-and-flower-girl

The lady in the funky blue Converse Tennies is Mommy to ‘Batman’ and Auntie to the little bug in stripes (Daddy to the little bug is the tall dude in blue way back there) and to the tall young man behind them….Just making sure they know what they have to do for her wedding. Last night we did the dress rehearsal for the wedding Saturday.

And got ATE up by mosquitoes! oh dear…….BUG SPRAY ANYONE?? So much rain the ground at the park is SOGGY….perfect breeding grounds for skeeters. Yay.

I could just ‘see’ Nick walking with our daughter around the area…and I was OK with it…it’s right he should be there. He pretty much raised Meg with me since she was 6.

It will be a cool wedding. I’m proud of her for figuring this all out.

After rehearsal,  we went to the Legion for pizza…..I had one Smirnoff Ice. And I did OK there too. Saw some people I haven’t seen in a bit….so it was kind of nice…..

Stopped at Dollar General on the way home for some (now here’s a shopping list) Cat Food, nails for Saturday, and a chocolate bar. *snortz* I am liking the ones I picked out……

Earn went right to bed when we got home. This morning she asked if she could skip school. Her stomach was upset. Jet lag and the first time eating pizza and a kiddie cocktail may have caught up with her.

I sat up speaking with a couple of friends via text and on the phone…..Cut off my phone call about 11pm, went to bed to read, and promptly launched into the BEST crying jag I’ve had yet. Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop leaking, everything around me just SCREAMED “he’s gone” and would send me into fresh waves. I feel hungover today and my eyes are like ….ugh.

I think they will just get worse till Saturday. I feel his absence more than his presence right now even with the little glasses episode. I want him there for Meg’s sake more than mine I guess.

She’s having a hard time too. With the way her father was, Nick was ‘Dad’…..she was there that day with him for most of the time before he died. She went home late that evening, then woke up a few minutes before I called her that Friday morning. She just knew.  Those two got pretty close in the last 5 years. Even more so after little L was born. He truly felt like ‘Grandpa’ to her son. He misses Papa too. “Papa in heben, Nonna….and if I closes my eyes, I kin talk to Papa…..” he says as he blinks his eyes rapidly. He’s too adorable for words.

So I was up until 1:30am…..crying and trying to breathe, till I saw Maria was on. She is in Australia. Lost her husband 15 years ago. It was sudden. No time to prepare….I had 2 years and I STILL wasn’t ready. She and I talked for over 30 minutes and she gave me some insights. And it’s good to know that how I am feeling is the way I CAN feel.

My feelings, my grief is my own. And I can do it the way I need to so I can cope.

And I will cope. I’ll learn to live without him. I’ll learn to live alone. I’ll learn to do the things I need for my mental health.

I hope.

 

 

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3 Responses to It’s getting real…

  1. Ronda says:

    Give yourself a break, it hasn’t been that long, Boo! Yes, you had two years before the “end” but come on, you loved him more than life! I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, but it’s your life to feel however you want! Hugssss and love. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. fredrieka says:

    Smores and cocktails are all good for mental health. Enjoy the wedding Nick will

    Liked by 1 person

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