I have nothing.
Because it did.
It’s hard to find a new dream with an old one in your eyes.
I heard this line in a song on Sunday.
And I understand it.
I had a dream.
It died. There is no going back to that one.
I had another dream.
It, too, has died. But in a different way. I don’t know if it will ever be a possibility no matter how much I may want it. He has to also. And he doesn’t. He used to. But not right now. This makes me very sad. I do know it’s not me. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting. All over again.
Now there is a new possibility. He says he will never expect me to stop loving Nick. He says he will never expect me to let Nick’s memory die.
I need to explore this avenue. Because he knows how devastated I am from losing the love of my life.
He is patient, kind, and he can make me laugh. Even tho he’s younger than I am.
And he can dance. *smiles*
(Yes, I do….see below)
So last night, when I got home, I decided to put my new duvet cover on my comforter and the new sham covers on….I LOVE it. It made the bedroom MY room. Just that one thing!
Looks a lot better than this, I’d say.
I know I slept really well last night. I had a good conversation with a friend and ………. 11:30? I’m out. THAT’S been awhile. I have moved over to Nick’s side of the bed. And now I feel it’s my bed. How bizarre…….? I think about him every day and yet I know I need to move on.
Now I want to paint a wall burgundy, move the bed, get rid of a dresser or two. Take down some car stuff (ugh, I know, right?) and make that room TOTALLY mine.
I’d like to have a nice oasis to retire to. I’m going to put in plants, a cool air mister and just make a nice retreat. Holly wants me to let her loose in there.
HAVE AT BABE!!!
She’s AMAZING………my upstairs bathroom? Is to die for. OMG I love it……If I knew how to put videos on here, I’d post ’em.
My daughter Meg, took my daughter Earn, shopping for a dress last night. She is going to the Homecoming dance! I’m anxious to see what she picked out. She has really good fashion sense. She even took a course at school on fashion and she LOVES it.
I dropped Earn and her friend Brit off at the mall, then headed over to pick up B.
B has been a dear friend for somewhere around 20 years. He gets to town MAYBE once a year and yet we pick up our conversation as if it was an hour ago. I like having a friend that I can be that comfortable with.
We got done with supper, I dropped him off at his motel and back to the mall I went.
Did I tell you I don’t like Malls?
I let Meg know I was at the food court. “we’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Apparently there is a time warp at the mall because a few minutes? turned into over 30 minutes.
But I was a good girl and just sat there waiting.
For my 2 daughters to come to me.
Did I tell you Earn wants to go to MOA???
So I went home and cranked up Collin Raye.
I told y’all I have MUSIC IN MY HOUSE AGAIN????
Oh man…..I had NO idea how much I missed rockin’ out to my music til I got Sirius XM in my car and have found the oldies country station. I’ve been singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in my seat since I found Channel 57-59! I’d forgotten some of the songs, but when they came on, I could sing right along!
The child got Nick’s stereo and there was a huge hole in the book rack where one belonged. And I suddenly realized there was a stereo in the garage, that I didn’t have to try to wade through the …………..pick a word, kids? that work(aka wander aimlessly and clueless) at BB for a new stereo.
I have a kick ass one in the garage!! With ugly speakers! Good thing there were two more good speakers upstairs. My friend Kevin came over and we got it all hauled in, the speakers down from upstairs, and then I sat back and watched him work as stereo hook ups are like Greek to me. He kept going in and around my desk (it’s a disaster area) and the next thing I know? I am rockin’ out to FOREIGNER!!! yes!!!!!!!!!!! It’s hooked up to the 5 disc cd changer, the VCR and now I can watch and listen to movies in stereo!
It made me feel so much better. Music doth sooth the savage beast.
And I was a beast (read that as bitch) because I was so raw from boxing up so much of Nick’s stuff that I was not nice to a friend of mine. I’ve loved this guy for almost 30 years. So after I started rockin’ out to Trans Siberian Orchestra “Lost Christmas Eve” I called him to apologize. And we had a good chat.
Now before you judge? Lost Christmas Eve by TSO is good ANYTIME of year. But especially when you are feeling blue. It’s so upbeat! and I love it. I was couch dancing. It was flippin’ awesome.
A couple guys have popped back into my life. One is a dear friend of almost 20 years, I haven’t seen in almost a year. His route doesn’t always bring him over this side of the state. He’s a tall drink of water that never fails to make me laugh. And he is a good friend.
The other has been a friend for 20 years. I don’t know where this friendship will go. I hope somewhere. I am ready for adult companionship. I need adult conversation other than about hoses, fittings and cylinders.
And I’m no longer sure so and so is the one for me even tho Nick gave us his blessing. I think I need to check things out before settling down. After the last two years….I deserve a little fun, don’t I?
It’s feeling like it’s time to start sorting Nick’s things. So last night I dug in. I had already done the top drawer of his dresser Sunday night. It was time to at least finish the dresser. So I started on the t-shirts, thermals and jeans.
And completely lost it.
Sorting through…..was a LOT harder than I thought. But I got the dresser emptied. I got the box from New Zealand sorted through. Papers, magazines, catalogs, ….and things with his handwriting on them. Sorted, saved or thrown away. I even started on the night stand.
I stood and looked at his glasses for the longest time. I didn’t give them to the undertaker because they were so beat up and scratched. And I want to keep them.
So it all ended up on my bed.
Or in boxes.
I had no choice but to finish before I could go to sleep.
First box on the left is for the grandkids to go thru. Full of white T-shirts, thermals and Jeans.
Second box is what I’ve started with his Ford T-shirts. After the kids go thru the box, the rest of these will be made into pillows and quilts for my kids and grandkids. His family has expressed NO interest in any of this. Nick’s step-kids and grandkids have. THEY have been here for me so they will be able to have what they want to remember Papa Nick. The others will get the few things Nick allocated for them and things they gave him I don’t want and KNOW they gave him. There is also a packet of photos. I found 3 rolls of film Nick never developed. One of those rolls goes to the child. I’m sure I’ll be talked about for not having these photos out at the wake. Even tho I just found them and just got them developed Aug 24th. Typical.
Third box is for Goodwill. The items in there hold no special meaning for me.
I have boxes in my living room with items I know Nick wanted certain people to have. Those will get delivered if his sister shows up on Saturday at Applefest where I’ll be having my corner booth as usual…… Otherwise I’ll be leaving them on his brother’s doorstep and they can deal with it.
I will be home tonight…..more sorting. As long as the wound is open, let it bleed so it can heal. I want to change things up in my bedroom and eventually move it upstairs. I want to paint the walls, move the bed, and I have a dresser that needs a new home. Kevin might come and move the garage stereo inside. I need some TUNES!! I find myself cranking the stereo in my car so I’d like to do that at home too.
Wednesday night….I think I can be home!! Oops……nope. Earn needs a dress…..See Saturday plans. So Laurie is bringing her to the mall. And I’ll be home late.
Thursday night, I’m meeting a friend for supper at the Mexican place on the south end of town. She and I have been wanting to get together for awhile now. Friday is a meeting in Arcadia for ISE and Earn, then the Homecoming Football Game.
Earn got asked to the Homecoming Dance Saturday night!! wooooooooooot!! My beautiful girl…. So when I get home from LaCrescent Saturday, she’ll have to be ready so I can run her into town. Then I will have a night alone for the first time in a while. Oops no. Just saw the calendar. I have a wedding dance. I’ll be going. I need social interaction.
Next week I’m free till Friday night.I’m sure that will change as the week goes along. Going to #1 grandson’s homecoming game. Just found out that is the 30th. Man I love that kid. He gets more handsome by the day.
On a cool note, today on the way into town, there was a bald eagle along side the road disposing of a carcass. He didn’t take off this time. Just stayed there eating…Nice.
Y’all have a NICE day.