All the time…

dont you wish you could wake up.jpg

I’ve spent the last few days re-reading all I have written in here. This is why I picked the heart above. It brought back things I’d forgotten and made them all fresh and raw again. But I was glad I read them. I think it’s all a part of the healing. Tears are healing right? If I DIDN’T grieve this hard, wouldn’t y’all wonder?

I look at this photo.


….and think “OMG he is so handsome!”. And he was. We were so young!! He was the sexiest thing alive in my eyes. Always will be. So slender, NICE legs, strong arms, and I only know of one other pair of eyes that intense. Mine. Ha! Kidding. Maybe.

Nicks face.JPG

I was told I should to open my heart to love again. I’m not ready to do that yet. I have no idea when that will hit me. I’m not looking for it either. Because I think one day, it will. Just reach up and slap me.

Similar to a wet mackerel. *sigh*

I have a very nice man that I’m spending time with. I enjoy his company. I enjoy spending time with him. I’ve been  honest with him in the fact I have no idea if or where a relationship will go. He may just be my healing man. He knows this. He accepts this. He just wants to be my friend. For now. And I accept that.

We do fun things together. He drives me home after I drink too much. *hic* (notice how this is listed first? *facepalms*) We go dancing. (I’ve discovered just how MUCH I love to dance!) He fixes things around my house. (they are breaking with alarming regularity now….ugh) We go walking every night. (weight loss is a must) We just have fun. And maybe right now, that’s what I need. He will always be my friend. Even if nothing comes of this. He’s a good man. I like him. I care about him. But I don’t know if I am capable of anything more than that. He knows it.

I feel like there is a wall around my heart. I have fun up to a point with K. Then I can feel that wall and I don’t like it. I’m usually an open, giving person. I feel closed off and walled up. And I know I will feel this for a while. A good long while. 23 years is a lot to mourn over.

Last night, K and I were discussing how some women are married again within a month of losing their husband, either thru divorce or death.

To me, after a divorce? Have a little respect for the father of your children.

After death? You really didn’t love him then did you?


I can’t even imagine being married again. I know I won’t marry again. I don’t know if I would even live with a man again. It’s too soon for me to even worry about even tho I’ve already been asked what my plans are. Are you going to sell your house? What about all the cars? Where will you move to? Do you have a bf yet?

*sheesh!! who KNOWS!* Let me be for awhile! Let me figure out what I want….


Posted in Me

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