Gawd, Nick has a lot of shit! I really do need to get photos of ‘during’…..which looks worse than ‘before’. There are a lot of things that are going up in to the attic now. They’ll be out of the way and stored. I’m constantly sorting in my head and I need to get some boxes up there first before I can do much more. There are too many boxes in the way. I also need to get boxes to label “garbage!” “magazines to donate” “manuals to keep” “cards and letters” “MORE toy cars”
I found 3 Valentine’s Day cards from him last night. They made me smile thru my tears. Hey, I’m getting better huh? I remember getting these cards and how I felt when he gave them to me. He could be a real romantic. I miss him so.
I keep trying to smile and remember he told me repeatedly to go on with my life. Don’t dwell on him. Well, it’s not possible yet. He was a force to reckon with. He was loved by many. Friend to many. My best friend. You can’t NOT miss him. And there is no clear way to move on until I finish with him. Sorting thru all his possessions….that are now mine……is daunting.
He will always be the love of my life. He will always be a presence in my life. He taught me to love. He taught me how to love. He taught me what loving someone was all about. And sometimes those memories get overwhelming. I could tell y’all stories…..
Yesterday, I got a bit upset with some things some people were saying about how I am living my life now. I vented in an email to a friend. However I didn’t warn this person first. So………I apologize. I’ll warn ya first next time. Because I’m sure there will be another next time. It’s the nature of the beast called ‘losing a loved one’ and the way emotions can just grab you by the throat and will not let go.
I do a lot of stopping, thinking, wondering and evaluating who I want in my life and who I don’t. Just like the bedroom upstairs I’m sorting thru, trying to decide what to keep, what to sell, and what to throw. I already have some people who haven’t spoken to me since Nick’s death. ‘Yer out of here since you proved what a friend YOU are.’ I’m not chasing anyone down to stay friends. If you can’t reach out to me, then I’m done. I have too much to do right now.
I need to simplify my life. And by sorting and removing and throwing and just LIVING…I’m doing that.
I made a decision this morning about these bedroom spaces……I’m going to redo bedroom #3 into a new student room. The room my student is using now? Is GiNORmous…..so I’M taking that one. My beautiful downstairs room? I’ll make into a guest room/office. The front bedroom? will stay the AirBnB and be used for other purposes too.
I need to mix my house up a bit. Moving my bedroom is the LAST thing I will be doing because I plan on enjoying that space as long as I can. I absolutely love it. But it is still my bedroom with Nick. The color and layout may have changed, but the memories linger when I’m alone at night.
I want to start new. Can I do that? I hope so.
You all have a NICE day!