I see the signs he’s still with me. I just want him here.
I see the signs he’s still with me. I just want him here.
I was told this morning that I have a beautiful smile. I keep picking on him about tryin’ tah turn mah head…..He laughs. Maybe I do. Right now he makes me smile. I’m gonna hold onto that.
Last night was kind of rough for me. K and I hauled one of Nick’s cars down to J. It’s the deal he gets the ’69 Torino GT for finishing up my Mustang. I stood in the street after it was rolled off the tilt bed and just looked at her. Remembering Nick working on her. The things he promised we’d do in that car, the trips we would take, the times I would get to drive her. I just stood there and leaked tears of sorrow.
One more thing of his ~ gone. Coming to the end of an era of my life.
I’m not dealing with it well. There are days it just slams into me that he is gone. Never to return. I had two years to prepare for that and I STILL wasn’t ready. I watched him those last 5 weeks and knew the end was near but nothing, even READING the books, WATCHING him fade, and KNOWING this is it, can prepare you for something like this.
Then I walked into J’s shop and there was my girl. I about cried again seeing her. She’s up on the hoist; 5 speed and pedals are in her. I just gently rubbed her paint and tires. I’ve missed her.
And I cannot wait to drive this baby!! VROOOOOOOM!!
I know I’m having the BEST HAIR DAY EVER!!! I lubs my hairdresser. She’s so freakin’ AWESOME!!
Know you are all bootiful in my eyes.
Have a NICE day!!
Big talk from such a short person. *snortz*
(OMG I WORE HEELS LAST NIGHT!! First time in ……….. counts backwards….3+6 carry the 1, divide by 2……..YA!! YEARS!!!)
I have been through shit I’ve never told people. It’s made me who I am today.
I like me. I think I’m fun to be around….?
Slowly, I’m getting to enjoy life again. Mostly thanks to K. Last night, we went out for supper and SURPRISE!! A bunch of his family was there. *facepalms* Instant case of the nerves! It was his grandparents 76th anniversary. Shudda knowed it. So to relax, I drank. Only two. It was a school night. Ugh. Shouldn’t have. But hey, I made it through without blushing!
“I like you. I think you should keep him.” (an auntie) “Let’s see how well he behaves first, ok?” (me) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaahahhahahahahaah OMG….I’m still chuckling. I think that comment solidified things. *sigh*
I do like his family. He has 3 younger sisters. (that’ll be a challenge!) I have yet to meet them. I have to give K credit. He introduced me as his friend. *watching the eyebrows FLY up! yeah right! Snicker*. We sat next to each other, he got me some Smirnoff, he oogled my cleavage. *snortz* It was a good night!
I’ve spent the last few days re-reading all I have written in here. This is why I picked the heart above. It brought back things I’d forgotten and made them all fresh and raw again. But I was glad I read them. I think it’s all a part of the healing. Tears are healing right? If I DIDN’T grieve this hard, wouldn’t y’all wonder?
I look at this photo.
….and think “OMG he is so handsome!”. And he was. We were so young!! He was the sexiest thing alive in my eyes. Always will be. So slender, NICE legs, strong arms, and I only know of one other pair of eyes that intense. Mine. Ha! Kidding. Maybe.
I was told I should to open my heart to love again. I’m not ready to do that yet. I have no idea when that will hit me. I’m not looking for it either. Because I think one day, it will. Just reach up and slap me.
Similar to a wet mackerel. *sigh*
I have a very nice man that I’m spending time with. I enjoy his company. I enjoy spending time with him. I’ve been honest with him in the fact I have no idea if or where a relationship will go. He may just be my healing man. He knows this. He accepts this. He just wants to be my friend. For now. And I accept that.
We do fun things together. He drives me home after I drink too much. *hic* (notice how this is listed first? *facepalms*) We go dancing. (I’ve discovered just how MUCH I love to dance!) He fixes things around my house. (they are breaking with alarming regularity now….ugh) We go walking every night. (weight loss is a must) We just have fun. And maybe right now, that’s what I need. He will always be my friend. Even if nothing comes of this. He’s a good man. I like him. I care about him. But I don’t know if I am capable of anything more than that. He knows it.
I feel like there is a wall around my heart. I have fun up to a point with K. Then I can feel that wall and I don’t like it. I’m usually an open, giving person. I feel closed off and walled up. And I know I will feel this for a while. A good long while. 23 years is a lot to mourn over.
Last night, K and I were discussing how some women are married again within a month of losing their husband, either thru divorce or death.
To me, after a divorce? Have a little respect for the father of your children.
After death? You really didn’t love him then did you?
I can’t even imagine being married again. I know I won’t marry again. I don’t know if I would even live with a man again. It’s too soon for me to even worry about even tho I’ve already been asked what my plans are. Are you going to sell your house? What about all the cars? Where will you move to? Do you have a bf yet?
*sheesh!! who KNOWS!* Let me be for awhile! Let me figure out what I want….
…simply due to the family I have.
I have an INCREDIBLE family. Loving, fun, silly, we adore each other.
And we all have such generous spirits…..
This is why I have exchange students. This is why my son does foster care.
I want a HUGE table in my house.
Because my family is growing…not only in grandchildren….but in ‘sons’ and ‘daughters’ with my exchange students.
I am their ‘Muricon Mom.
I slept pretty good last night. I hit the pillow and was in the same place when I woke up. That doesn’t happen very often….
Saturday was pretty rough. A friends fiance passed away kind of unexpectedly. She was doing treatment for breast cancer and it sounded like she was doing ok. But he came home last Wednesday after work and found her on the bathroom floor.
I’m 11 weeks into this journey now. Dave is just starting. But man, did it bring back EVERYTHING from sleeping on the couch to not eating to not remembering much of anything but ‘he’s gone’. Just wanting to scream NO!
So, at the wedding dance, I once again drank. A lot. A combination of Mike’s/Smirnoff/Raspberry Brandy shots.
I really need to stop doing that.
The shots. Not the Mike’s. heh heh heh
Danced like crazy. Did my bestest to forget. Enjoyed myself.
And paid for it Sunday morning.
Time to slow back down.
Thanks Jon. I appreciate you letting me know……..
Toddles off to start deleting stuff.
“Hi, sorry I didn’t call you back. I fell asleep on our bed. Hope you are home soon.”
OMG……It was SO good to hear his voice and yet beyond painful. My eyes started leaking. Then I save it. On to the next one.
“I’m done. On my way home. See you there soon?”
I should have just hit save again but I needed to hear his voice.
“Hi, I hope you haven’t left town yet. We are out of milk and I would REALLY like some GOOD root beer. I’m so thirsty and that would hit the spot. See you soon?”
I have video of him on my phone. I watch it over and over again.
This living without him is so hard.
He is the love of my life. Always will be.
And what I wouldn’t give to spend ONE more day with him.
And the more I look at that reading lamp post, the more I think I may have 4 of those made for the corners of the bed.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I like that idea!!
I always liked my bedroom. I thought it was OK. I didn’t realize what potential it had!
This all started with the rod in my closet deciding to come off the wall.
Remember that? I blogged on how I found Nick’s boots.
So Holly and I talked and decided she would come up and ‘do my bedroom’ for me. I gave her a $200 Antique Amoire for it. I bought the paint and everything and let her loose.
Sunday evening 5pm. This is what my bedroom looked like.
By late Monday afternoon…this was my bedroom. (photos taken at same angle..the way they SHOULD be) I wish I could have been more help to her but I was home sick. Not really sick but just aching all over like someone had beat me.
I love it. Absolutely love it.
But ‘painting Nick’ out of my room….weighs heavily on me. I know I need to move on. But still…..
Anyone else like it?