Last night was spent doing something that had me on my knees in tears and pain. But on occasion I feel the need to do this. Sometimes I have to make sure he was real. That we WERE together. That he was HERE with me.
Not a freakin’ clue other than I miss Nick more than words can express.
His face, his laughter, his hands, his voice, his body, our life together. We were a good couple. We had a relationship lots of people envied. Which, if they’d known some of our history, might not…but the outcome was worth the pain. Nick and I were truly in love. We weren’t always, but we had something that kept us together in this world of flimsy commitments. 23 years is pretty damn good considering some marriages last 23 DAYS.
And I feel his absence keenly every day. In just being home alone. Or in the fact that there are things HE did, that I must now do. Things I have to keep on top of to keep my house warm, food in my cupboards, my vehicles running…I dread this winter when the snow comes. I don’t know as I’ll be able to fire up the snowblower. I know the first time will be rough. I must get my little tractor ready.
18 weeks today. 18 Fridays of waking up alone and thinking ‘No lay-in with Nick in the morning, just cuddling. The alarm is OFF!’ 18 Fridays of no ‘have a good day at work hon, what do you want for supper?’ 18 Fridays of ………….nothing.
I found this above so true on Oct 21,2014 and my life did change with ONE word.
It’s amazing how it takes over your life and everyone around you. And it changes you forever.
I feel lost. Not every day. Just most days. I’m overwhelmed with the things that need doing. All the people that offered to help…………”Well Um…I won’t be here that day.” so I’ve stopped asking. It’s fine. I’ll just keep slogging along. It’s not like I have anything else to do.
Someone really needs to write “A Widow’s Handbook” It would be helpful.
Now this week, I’ll be in Michigan. My aunt died on Oct 20th. The 2 year anniversary of the start of this freakin’ cancer journey. I’ll be staying at her house. So this will be a difficult Thanksgiving and yet so joyous to spend with the cousins.
I will miss family here. But I need to be there.