I think this will be what my Christmas

…..will look like this year.

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I don’t have a lot of choice in sticking around for Christmas….but no one says I have to stay sober. Or even go anywhere. Oblivion seems a pretty good looking option right now. After the ‘rents and the g’kids go home or I get home.

I will go though. It’s Earn’s first Christmas here. I am going to do my damnedest to make it good. She deserves it even though this will be incredibly painful for me to sit through. I know someone is going to say “Papa isn’t here.” Last weekend, Lennox asked if we could wake up Papa now.

Thanksgiving was hard. Even though I was in a place with no Nick Thanksgiving memories, there were still memories of us there. After 23 years, there are few places where I don’t see him…

20 weeks on Friday. Months already. I think of sitting on the bench at the cemetery and he’s SO close I could touch him. Sometimes it’s all I can do not to lay on the ground.

Tomorrow is my birthday. The best present would be for him to come to me in a dream I can remember.

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 Faith is a gift. I can open my hands to receive it. ~HAL

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Well…I’m back ~ dammit…

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What do you see above?

A weed? or a wish?

I see a wish.

I wish I could figure out this grief thing. One minute I’m just HIGH on life and laughing and enjoying being myself.

The next I can be in the depths of despair. Like the flip of a switch.

Lennox wanted to watch Papa videos this weekend while he was at my house. While I LOVE seeing Nick alive and well again, Reality hits just as soon as the video stops. He sat there staring at Nonna, tears rolling down my cheeks.

“I miss Papa” he says.

I miss Papa too honey…………more than anyone knows or understands.

I need my alone time more than I thought.

It’s time for a weekend in the cities with Jon and Teresa and Jerry and possibly…..*my sister* JOAN??

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I thought I would….

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….repost this picture ….

I don’t think my “daily struggle ” is as intense as it was in the first weeks and months.

Learning to accept that Nick is not coming back (pause as that truck hits me once AGAIN) will be a daily thing for the rest of my life.  He and I had something special.  Something I don’t think I will find again.

Which, if you stop to think about it, makes sense. Any man I meet and decide to spend time with isn’t going to be like Nick. He will be his own person; I cannot compare him to Nick.  That would not be fair.

I have this wall that just literally flies up around my heart when I think about the future and the possibility of loving again.  Am I afraid of forgetting Nick? Of enjoying life without him? I told him before he died that I couldn’t see myself loving anyone else.

And yet……as time passes and my heart heals, I find myself thinking more and more about not being alone for the rest of my life.

If I find someone, it will be a whole different kind of love. I have had the love of my life already.

So what kind of love will a new man inspire in me. . . . . ?

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Thank God for that!!

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They may fade over time . ..only to be brought back into sharp focus by something simple. A glance in the mirror, an aroma, a song, a photograph, whatever it may be.

I have memories popping back in my mind … of wonderful times spent with the Michigan cousins. At this home.

It was always worth the time to get here. Love just seeps out of every space in this house. As it does with everyone in this family. It’s hard to go visit because you don’t want to leave.

Hugs and kisses abound…2 hours of hugging and kissing hello ! And 2 hours of hugging and kissing goodbye. AKA a Minnesota Goodbye!

I am so blessed with the most amazing family …..

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I have no choice …

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As I sit here in Aunties home, remembering ,  reminiscing ,  looking at her wonderful photos, books, and travel memories,  I realize …she DID really have the cliché  “wonderful life “.

My auntie was, at times, larger than life. She’s been everywhere, man; she’s done everything, man…..as the song somewhat goes. . .  The stories of her travels are heavy on my mind, but the details are getting hazy.  To Africa and Mt. Killamanjaro; Ecuador;  England and Jerusalem with her mom (my G’ma Lola) and her Aunt Pete; California; Massachusetts; to the home place where my parents, her brother (my Dad) and his wife (my Mom) still live; the cabin on the bay…like I said, the details are fading. But the memory of her travels are always there.

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So now, as I stand in Tammy’s kitchen, looking across the Breezeway…..I see an empty couch, instead of the vibrant woman that ~wa…IS my Aunt Eunice.

I miss you so…..

Rest in well deserved peace, Auntie. I love you. and please give Nick a hug for me . . . .

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There are days….

15095607_617945031699686_5682032092714936103_n….when I feel I can’t do this anymore.

When I miss Nick, or Auntie , or even  Julie and G’ma Lola to the point I am paralyzed, unable to continue a normal day when memories visit . . .

…..when memories overwhelm me….it’s like a movie in fast forward.  Like a movie I want to pause for rewrites.

I know one day,  things won’t be so raw and painful . ..and that even though the pain of loss will still be there….there will be an acceptance that will make me smile in memory of those I have lost.

Thank you, Laurie …..for giving me hope. I love you.

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Reminiscing

Last night was spent doing something that had me on my knees in tears and pain. But on occasion I feel the need to do this.  Sometimes I have to make sure he was real. That we WERE together. That he was HERE with me.

Why?

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Not a freakin’ clue other than I miss Nick more than words can express.

His face, his laughter, his hands, his voice, his body, our life together. We were a good couple. We had a relationship lots of people envied. Which, if they’d known some of our history, might not…but the outcome was worth the pain.  Nick and I were truly in love. We weren’t always, but we had something that kept us together in this world of flimsy commitments. 23 years is pretty damn good considering some marriages last 23 DAYS.

Nick and Sue benefit

And I feel his absence keenly every day. In just being home alone. Or in the fact that there are things HE did, that I must now do. Things I have to keep on top of to keep my house warm, food in my cupboards, my vehicles running…I dread this winter when the snow comes. I don’t know as I’ll be able to fire up the snowblower. I know the first time will be rough. I must get my little tractor ready.

18 weeks today. 18 Fridays of waking up alone and thinking ‘No lay-in with Nick in the morning, just cuddling. The alarm is OFF!’ 18 Fridays of no ‘have a good day at work hon, what do you want for supper?’ 18 Fridays of ………….nothing. be-thankful-for-today-in-one-moment-your-life-can-change

I found this above so true on Oct 21,2014 and my life did change with ONE word.

Cancer.

It’s amazing how it takes over your life and everyone around you. And it changes you forever.

I feel lost. Not every day. Just most days. I’m overwhelmed with the things that need doing. All the people that offered to help…………”Well Um…I won’t be here that day.” so I’ve stopped asking. It’s fine. I’ll just keep slogging along. It’s not like I have anything else to do.

Someone really needs to write “A Widow’s Handbook” It would be helpful.

Now this week, I’ll be in Michigan. My aunt died on Oct 20th. The 2 year anniversary of the start of this freakin’ cancer journey. I’ll be staying at her house. So this will be a difficult Thanksgiving and yet so joyous to spend with the cousins.

I will miss family here. But I need to be there.

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