I think this will be what my Christmas

…..will look like this year.

santa-turns-red

I don’t have a lot of choice in sticking around for Christmas….but no one says I have to stay sober. Or even go anywhere. Oblivion seems a pretty good looking option right now. After the ‘rents and the g’kids go home or I get home.

I will go though. It’s Earn’s first Christmas here. I am going to do my damnedest to make it good. She deserves it even though this will be incredibly painful for me to sit through. I know someone is going to say “Papa isn’t here.” Last weekend, Lennox asked if we could wake up Papa now.

Thanksgiving was hard. Even though I was in a place with no Nick Thanksgiving memories, there were still memories of us there. After 23 years, there are few places where I don’t see him…

20 weeks on Friday. Months already. I think of sitting on the bench at the cemetery and he’s SO close I could touch him. Sometimes it’s all I can do not to lay on the ground.

Tomorrow is my birthday. The best present would be for him to come to me in a dream I can remember.

a walking goddess.jpg

 Faith is a gift. I can open my hands to receive it. ~HAL

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7 Responses to I think this will be what my Christmas

  1. Ronda says:

    You deserve a Happy Birthday Boo! I hope you get it! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. fredrieka says:

    Hope you reach for the stars and receive them

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Val Ewing says:

    Happy Birthday Kid!

    Liked by 1 person

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