Last night I went out for supper with my dear friend Dan. He and I have coordinated some pretty successful car shows together. I’m happy to call him friend. He and I spoke of him becoming an AirBnB so one day soon, I’m packin’ mah pillow and going to drink at his house. I don’t drive after drinking so I’ll be crashing on his sofa…or his AirBnB room……
This is my first “Christmas without” …. I am not looking forward to going it alone. As of right now, I am planning on going to two Christmas Eve Services. One in Trempealeau where Nick and I met the most amazing pastor. Within 3 months of meeting Pastor Betsy, Nick and I married. We’d been engaged for almost 20 years with no plans to marry…..then she came into our lives. I think that’s an awesome testament to the force of her personality and her faith. And I know at Trempealeau I’ll be in my own little world. So Earn can decide if she wants to go with or stay home.
Then on to Portland with my family and a church where I’ll freeze…but I’ll be at peace. I don’t know if Earn will go with me or not, it’s up to her. She hates the cold and there is NO heat there except for candles and bodies.
Portland will be difficult because it’s the only church he and I went to together during our whole relationship until Trempealeau. It is a special place for us. I have happy memories of us there.
Both places I plan to sit alone and reflect on what I had, what I’ve lost, and what is to come.
And yet I can’t wait to see how things go. It’s always a joy to watch the kids. They get so excited. I’m anxious for Brandon to get his present this year……..I hope he likes it.
Very few people truly get that. If more did? The world would be a better place.
For a while, Nick’s death was destroying me. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t live without him. I could not remember things. Just trying to THINK was a chore. I would look blankly at things, get up from the couch to go do something and not even remember what ROOM I was heading to by the time I took the first step. It was infuriating to be so helpless.
But I find myself slowly getting stronger. I can laugh. I can enjoy a day. I can enjoy friends again. I will always miss him more than words can convey. I will live again…..I just need to mourn now. At least I’m not so helpless like I was before.
I have no choice now but to move on. And I will….at my pace…alone….or with someone of my choosing. I have no idea. I just know that right now? I need to be at peace.
I’ll get there….
Assimilating this loss into my life is a long process, and I will give it its due. ~ HAL