Iyamstillhere…..

This year Ive been thru a lot.jpg

I am still here after the year of hell … aka 2016. Even tho it’s not quite over yet…..there’s still time for another bad thing or two to happen. *snortz*

So many ups and downs too numerous to mention…..The worst being Nick finally succumbing to his cancer in July…..the best? being the knowledge I will live on without him. It’s difficult. There are days I let the day win. There are days when I make it thru OK. I’d give anything to see him in a dream. But he never comes to me. I see signs of him (remember that incident with my glasses disappearing?) and other things have happened. But to actually have him come to me in my dream….hasn’t happened. Yet?

I click on videos of him so I can see his face, hear his voice and watch his hands. Doing so brings me to my knees but I miss him so much I just have to watch them. I listen to his voice mails telling me he fell asleep in our bed…and I can see him there.

Now and then I have a bad week. This week being one of them. Just trying to get thru the day every day and soon Christmas will be over. I find if I have time alone without having to think about anything, helps immensely. I spend my time doing little things I would normally do when Nick was here. And strangely enough, tis comforting. Almost normal. A routine.

I’ve met some amazing people, strengthened some awesome friendships, and gained another daughter in Earn, my Thai exchange student. I’ve met people I’d like to go out with, spend time with, do things with. I feel my world is expanding. I haven’t been single since 1980. OK, be quiet. I KNOW that’s a long time. I have things I want to do.  I want to make new friends in other places and enjoy my life. No one said I have to get married again. Maybe I’ll do OK on my own. I’m getting rather used to sleeping alone again.

bedroom-after

Thanks to my girlfriend, Holly, I have a freakin’ AWESOME bedroom I love to be in. It’s comforting and peaceful and I sleep well in there. In that huge bed that is now all mine. In a house that is now all mine. Sometimes it’s overwhelming to realize everything on my property is now all mine. It’s not mine and Nick’s. It’s mine. To do with what I will. I have so many things to sell I don’t know where to begin. It’s not what I wanted. It’s what I ended up with.

It’s a heat wave of 37° today. Almost 50° difference from Sunday when it was chucking filly outside!! Snow and ice is melting and the sun feels good on my face.

Christmas is almost here. I’m just disorganized as to what I have to do yet. So over the next few nights, I MUST get  presents wrapped and finished up.

Y’all have a great week!

After the struggle and the fear . . . comes peace. ~HAL

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