So I started something last night…

………..that I think is going to help me.

Yesterday I read an article on 6 ways to help you grieve. I’m thinking they wanted to say grieve productively instead of just wallowing in your pain. But that would be rude….right?

Anyway. The article stated you should write letters to your loved one.

Hmmmmmmmm

pen and journal.jpg

Granted I write in here. Probably not very well but it’s helping me get stuff out of my head and put it somewhere I know I won’t misplace it. Some people have told me to turn this into a book. We’ll see.

I had started a journal thingy that has on the front of the page, questions….’What’s the weather like, in the news today, my concerns, what made me happy today, what did I do to make someone else happy’……that sort of thing. On the other side of the page is a place for thoughts and notes.

Originally, I started writing in this Journal back on June 1. I read it last night and found some things I’d forgotten. June 16th is when we decided Nick wasn’t going to do Chemo anymore. He was too thin, worn out, and just could not take anymore. When we went to Canada and a few of the things we did there. Silly things my grandkids had done.

It stops abruptly soon after we returned from our trip. My last entry is Aug 1. It’s not easy to read that day.

So at 12:30am, I started in writing. Writing to Nick like he’s just gone away on another car parts scavenger hunt. I didn’t think I would have much to say. I answered all the ‘questions’. On some I ran out of room.

And I filled both pages.

I guess I had more to tell him than I thought!

nick-saying-something-most-likely-entirely-inappropriate

I know that one day, there will be an angry rant for him leaving me. For throwing me back out on the dating scene like we joked about. I’ll tell him how well HIS pick worked out. I know there will be a day or two when the page will be tear stained.

I miss him.  I’m not the only one.This little guy wanted to ‘Wake up Papa now?’ last time I took him with to the cemetery .

lennox-napping-on-papa-71915 Lucille Lennox and Nick cropped.JPG

I cannot begin to imagine what was going thru his mind. I just know what went thru mine. It left a mess in its wake that I’m still trying to straighten out. Trying to remember everything that needs to be done, things that he used to do. I have car guys calling and stopping in now that want to buy the stuff in my shed and garage. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed again. Thank God for my car club guys. They are a buffer between me and the buyers that think I’m stupid. I’ve learned how to turn on my heel and walk away. When they pick their jaw up off the ground, they can get off my property.

And yet, Life IS settling down. I’m getting into a routine that will get seriously disrupted when my daughter goes back to Thailand but I’ve done it once, I can do it again. Matteo and I keep in wonderful contact. Corvin even messages me on occasion.

I’m looking forward to filling up my book of letters to Nick.

I think it’s a good idea for me.

It’ll take time, but I’ll feel good again. ~HAL

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10 Responses to So I started something last night…

  1. joliesattic says:

    Good to see you have a plan. Good for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. fredrieka says:

    It’s a great idea.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A Perfectmindstorm says:

    I think that is a wonderful idea, one you will be glad you followed through with. Writing is so cathartic, so healing. And though you may not want to think about this, someday your children and grandchildren will read your words and cherish them. I write all the time, though not so much online anymore. I hope one day my kids or grandkids will pick up my journals and say “this was Mom, I never knew ! hahaha” And in your case, they will see how very much you loved Nick and how much a part of your heart always kept him close, even after he was gone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow, I thought you quit posting and was looking for you. Glad I did and what a great idea keeping up with a journal. I love looking back through my journals from when my first son was born 37 yrs ago.

    Liked by 1 person

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