The Gone Me….

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Well there is no way I’m the old me anymore. I’ve been through too much over the last few years.

I started going back through my blog archives and NOW I can see the pattern. He was sick in 2012 and Mayo failed to find it. Stomach problems, losing weight, why didn’t they put the camera into his stomach WAY back then??????

And I just signed up for insurance with this hospital on Tuesday night.

*facepalms*

It WILL be brought up on my first visit. They will have to earn my trust now.

I do miss the old me. The one that could remember anything, full of self confidence, courage, strength. Sometimes I think I just live to get home and crank up my stereo. I’ll get back a semblance of me….just not the old one.

And maybe this one will be a better me……….?

I will bless my neighbor. May my neighbor bless me.  ~HAL

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I splurged on new curtains…..

I used to have ‘Autumn’ colored curtains in my living room. Hated them. DEEE-Tested them.  Autumn in the pictures online was a cool darker bronze color. When they arrived? They were Orange. Orange. WTH???living-room-now
BEFORE WITH UGLY ORANGE…

So I decided to splurge and order some new ones. Ones that were NOT sheer (Like the Autumn ones weren’t sposed to be EITHER) I found these Taupe ones. Looked at them in the package after they arrived and went “Grey???” Till I got them up with the help of my friend Kevin.

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AFTER WITH PRETTY NEW TAUPE….

I LOVE THEM! The room looks so elegant now! I need to regroup my plants better, move the dog bed, keep my crochet bag in a better place, get rid of the futon, buy a new love seat…..*smiles*

woodpile-outside              woodpile-inside

Last Saturday morning, this pile was 1/3 again larger……………….this is where it ended up.

DRY in my basement. The outside pile has tarp over it so it’s actually dry too but traipsing’ through snow is not my idea of a good time.

I must be a real country girl because I can’t stop cheesin’ about it. Even for as crappy as I felt on Monday, THIS makes me smile. And smile. And just happy.

Nick never wanted to throw in more than a few days at a time, then bitch about how wet and snow and ice covered the wood was.

This is all dry and toasty and happy.

And so are Earn and I.

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Back to feeling lost….

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Things need to scar over soon or I’ll be crazier than normal.

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I have 3 that make me do that…..or 4….or is it 5?

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I’m blessed to be alive. I’m blessed with 3 incredible children and 10 beyond incredible grandchildren and 3 more foster grandchildren….I have to remember this when I am feeling lonely and down.

I used to do a blog whenever I’d get a particularly funny phone call. I called it One Ringy Dingy from Ernestine by Lily Tomlin. The following are two examples.

**********************************
Me: RE
Caller: Would you like to get molested?
Me: OMG YES!!!!!!

(ya, it was Nick)
TMI? Tough. I’d forgotten about this one. I just chuckled yesterday when I ran across this in my archives. I’m so glad I kept it. He did love me.

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Me: RE
Caller: Is B there?
Me: Hang on and let me see if he’s still here….
Caller: OK
*pause*
Me: B? Are you in for Larry?
I can hear B mutter “that’s like asking if I’m waiting for a toothache…..”
*************************************

I’ve not been keeping track of the good ones I’ve gotten lately. Some of them just FLOORED me. But my customers know me at 18+ years of working here, and they know what they can and cannot get away with when they call.

They all pretty much put a smile on my face.

In the unity of creation I can hope to find my love again. ~HAL

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Yesterday was beyond rough….

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I thought things would get better as time went on. It’s been a little over 21 weeks now. Five months on Dec 22nd. I think watching videos of Nick and hearing his voice set me off. Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t do that. I just need to see and hear him sometimes. There are days when I wonder if he was really real.

I miss Nick so much. I think yesterday was the worst yet. I just couldn’t shake it off. I couldn’t not think about him and yesterday was no particular day with a strong memory attached. Maybe he was visiting me….who knows.

Right now, I feel my life is not going the way I want it to. The more I spend time alone, the more focused I’m feeling. I’m getting to the point of ‘I’ll do what I want to do, not what you feel I SHOULD do.’  I haven’t dated since 1980. And I’d like to.  Maybe spending time with someone who didn’t know Nick would help.  Who know? It’s worth a try? Maybe I don’t obsess about him so much. Maybe he’d be happy to know I moved on like he wanted me to.

Lots of maybes.

I commend my dear one to the arms of the all-embracing love. ~HAL

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And on the 17th day . . .

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…. of Christmas, some friends are all getting together at Holly’s house. OMG…this will be a BLAST…NO MEN ALLOWED….um…..ok…..We are to take our yarn projects with and work on them. With the consumption of alcohol I’m planning on?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAHAH, yeah right! I can see all those trapezoid shaped blankets!! And they’ll be covering some snoring hiccuping women!

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Just spending a few days alone and by myself doing the things I need to do, has gone a long way on making me feel better and deal with things the way they should be. I have months of this ahead of me yet. But I’ll get there. I know that now. I was told “I don’t know why you do this to yourself every day.” Do what? Deal with the loss of my other half? What? This not something ‘you get over’ in a few days or weeks. This will be a life long process. I don’t sit here at work and tear up anymore. I don’t scream in the car while I’m driving alone anymore. I don’t lay in bed unable to breathe because the pain is so intense anymore. I actually listened to Love Will Keep Us Alive by the Eagles and made it thru the song still breathing! That’s a first in 4 1/2 months. I’m getting into a routine, some call it life. Doing what I need to do everyday without being told I’m doing it wrong is helping me get thru this.

21 weeks today. The time seems to be flying by. My daughter in law gave me a new photo taken in May at Juliana’s birthday party. Nick is squeezing the stuffing outta her and she is squeezing right back. The look of contentment on his face getting that hug…..makes me smile now instead of cry.

Earn and I hauled in a few more days worth of wood and got it stacked. I’ve figured out the wood stove now and had it up to 68° last night! WOOOOOOOOOOOT! I’ll haul more in tonight and tomorrow. I hear we have a snowstorm coming. So I’d like to get some more wood in when I can. Moving cars tomorrow…….no rest for the wicked.

The love emanating from my memories is eternal. ~HAL

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“You sound better!”

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Last night, I met my friend Terry for supper at The Old Crow downtown. We had some good appetizers, then she had a beef brisket sandwich, I had a salad. All were very good! The pretzels and cheese?? OMG…YUM!!

I haven’t seen Terry since mid September.  She was somewhat amazed at how much better I sounded than the last time we were together. “You look good and sound so much better. You were all over the board the last time we talked. ”

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm that doesn’t sound good but then there is a lot I don’t recall.

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I feel like I’ve ‘turned a corner’ to coin a phrase….I feel better. My thoughts seem to be clearer.  I don’t feel like I’ll break if someone touches me. I am calmer. I’m frustrated with the wood stove till I get it figured out (which I think I did last night) and instead of walking away and turning the thermostat back up? I got it crankin’ and raised the temp in the house. I’m proud of myself. I DID IT MYSELF……tonight Earn and I will be throwing in more wood as I got what was in the basement all stacked up. She and I will do this together to help her understand what 2 women alone must do to survive. (OK, that sounds dramatic but I HATE LP HEAT!!! Bring on the wood baby!!) I feel myself getting better. I feel healthier, not so tired. My legs don’t hurt as much. I think I’m sleeping better. I’m not eating Tums like they are candy anymore…..

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Christmas is getting closer and closer. I’m not feeling so apprehensive about it like I was a week ago. Time to start wrapping what I have in order to see what I need to get. I’ll wrap Earn’s stuff while she is gone this weekend. I’m looking forward to some time alone alone. She’s always upstairs or on my futon and I LOVE having her there. But I do need some really alone time.

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*giggles*

Oh look!!! Frosty’s baby picture!!!

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I must be getting my sense of humor back cause this just FLOORED me today!!

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I have much to live for, and I will live for it better if I’m healthy!! ~HAL

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Bah Humbug?

Last night I went out for supper with my dear friend Dan. He and I have coordinated some pretty successful car shows together. I’m happy to call him friend. He and I spoke of him becoming an AirBnB so one day soon, I’m packin’ mah pillow and going to drink at his house. I don’t drive after drinking so I’ll be crashing on his sofa…or his AirBnB room……

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This is my first “Christmas without” …. I am not looking forward to going it alone. As of right now, I am planning on going to two Christmas Eve Services. One in Trempealeau where Nick and I met the most amazing pastor. Within 3 months of meeting Pastor Betsy, Nick and I married. We’d been engaged for almost 20 years with no plans to marry…..then she came into our lives. I think that’s an awesome testament to the force of her personality and her faith. And I know at Trempealeau I’ll be in my own little world. So Earn can decide if she wants to go with or stay home.

Then on to Portland with my family and a church where I’ll freeze…but I’ll be at peace. I don’t know if Earn will go with me or not, it’s up to her.  She hates the cold and there is NO heat there except for candles and bodies.

Portland will be difficult because it’s the only church he and I went to together during our whole relationship until Trempealeau. It is a special place for us. I have happy memories of us there.

Both places I plan to sit alone and reflect on what I had, what I’ve lost, and what is to come.

And yet I can’t wait to see how things go. It’s always a joy to watch the kids. They get so excited. I’m anxious for Brandon to get his present this year……..I hope he likes it.

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Very few people truly get that. If more did? The world would be a better place.

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For a while, Nick’s death was destroying me. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t live without him. I could not remember things. Just trying to THINK was a chore. I would look blankly at things, get up from the couch to go do something and not even remember what ROOM I was heading to by the time I took the first step. It was infuriating to be so helpless.

But I find myself slowly getting stronger. I can laugh. I can enjoy a day. I can enjoy friends again. I will always miss him more than words can convey. I will live again…..I just need to mourn now. At least I’m not so helpless like I was before.

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I have no choice now but to move on. And I will….at my pace…alone….or with someone of my choosing. I have no idea. I just know that right now? I need to be at peace.

I’ll get there….

Assimilating this loss into my life is a long process, and I will give it its due. ~ HAL

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My new wall…

So at 10pm last night, I decided I NEEDED to do this. These canvas prints have been SCREAMING at me for weeks to get them up in a grouping somewhere. I just could never decide where.

I didn’t really want them in my bedroom…..no real space for them there. So the living room it is.

The new wall.jpeg

My daughter in law did SUCH an awesome job in capturing the essence of Nick and me. They are some fun prints and it was a fun day. I’m so glad we did this. I don’t have a lot of photos of just Nick and I. It’s mostly him. I think it looks awesome and I’m so proud of my daughter in law.

Last night, I spent listening to my music as I was doing some much needed things around my house. Little piddly stuff I haven’t had time to do cause I’m always running or on the phone or texting or there is company at my house. It felt good to get so much stuff done. But when a song came on that reminded me of my loss, I stopped, stood in front of my stereo looking at the prints of us, singing, dancing alone and crying, mourning him like I’ve not been able to do; like I need to do to learn how to live with him being gone.

I stood in my living room, just holding back the screams while letting the much needed tears flow. I did feel better when I was done because I let myself cry it out. Instead of having to stop. I will keep mourning until I stop crying…….and start smiling as I sing. I’m looking forward to that day.

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I’d like to move on to a new relationship …. one day. Who knows? But not yet. I have to figure out what I want first. And right now, I want to be alone. I need to spend my time getting my house in order. And by house I mean house, life, thoughts, words, emotions………….

Because I feel I’m all over the board right now. I had an amazing man in my life. I loved him beyond words. I was incomplete before I met him and I am again now that he is gone. I need to be whole again first. I need to be ‘just Sue’ after being ‘Sue and Nick’ for so long.

This is MY journey. And I’ll will travel it as I want to. As I NEED to. By listening to our music, by looking at our photos and by reliving our memories. Last night was incredibly healing for me. A few more weeks of this, maybe I’ll be OK.

The Christmas holiday season is coming. I have no idea how I’ll make it through but I will.

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I will open my eyes and stretch out my arms to the beauty and wonder of the world. ~HAL

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I’m zausted…..again

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And in an institution is exactly where I’ll be ………. soon. Craft shows and festivals are over. My car is almost unloaded. Finishing that tonight. All the stuff goes back into a closet. Till next summer. I am hoping to relax till say…………oh mid March.

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I just am wanting some time at home alone. I don’t want to get up for work, I don’t want to deal with anyone right now. Something is going on and I don’t know what but I have NO fuse left. I’m containing a lot and I just need to let it out. I won’t if there are people around. Earn is going to a friends house this weekend for a trip to the cities on Saturday. Perfect time for me to figure out what is going on with me BESIDES needing to grieve. And scream. And throw things. And be pissed about whatever it is I am pissed about….

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Ya, that’s how I feel. I should find all my cracked and chipped plates and have a throwing contest. I’m getting bitchy and touchy and overwhelmed. I don’t know what it is I need or want. I just need to look for it. I wish I knew where to find what ever it is.

I’ve been told I should put the photos away and not listen to the songs.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Not yet.

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I don’t want to live with a broken heart. I sat up till 2am staring at a photo of, and talking to Nick. It’s like I’m still unable to comprehend he is gone.  And there are times when it’s like he’s just off on another car jaunt. I look at the photo and I miss those arms around me. I see that smirk on his face and KNOW why it’s there. I look at the photo and remember those legs and that chest and and and…………..I miss him.

This SUCKS.

Sucks.

I want him back. I do. I don’t want to do this alone.

To love someone profoundly is to know that person in his or her weakness and strength. ~HAL

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