I think I’m sinking deeper…..

And I’m not sure how to pull myself out this time. I had an idea but I also know that’s not going to happen anymore………so I have to figure something else out. I know I know….I’m sposed to ask for help. Right now, I don’t want to and I want to be alone. And besides, I don’t know who to ask….

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I hope one day that door opens….cause it hasn’t yet. It’s like there is something unfinished and I don’t know what it is. Maybe then Nick will finally come to me in a dream and that door will open.

So for now, I’m just going to concentrate on me, my daughter Earn, my home, my dogs and get things in order. I’m slowly doing this, however, taxes will stop me in my tracks for a few weeks.  I’ll be starting them this week. Another thing to bring me down.

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Now, I’m walking into a room and wondering if I like me anymore. I don’t like how I’m feeling about myself but I keep hearing that’s normal. I don’t like this new ‘normal’. It sucks.

I don’t like how ‘friends’ seem to have forgotten me. How they don’t or won’t talk to me. How they can’t return answers to messages. Wow. I didn’t realize the term widow meant ‘dropped off the face of the earth so don’t contact her anymore.’

My friends list is shrinking so now my world will consist of my family, my dogs, and me. I don’t chase friends to keep them. It’s a 2 way street. Even though I have a bit of an excuse lately, I was still doing my best to stay connected.

And I also don’t tell people they are living their life wrong. I’m living mine to get through it day by day. And until you’ve lost the love of your life, you will NOT understand.

I listened to his voice mails again last night. It was so good to hear the voice that whispered in my ear for over 20 years. It made my heart break all over again. It’s sposed to get easier every time.

Isn’t it?

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~I value the friend who, for me, finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who, for me, does not consult his calendar. ~~Robert Brault

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What a weekend…..

We need to do that once a month!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahhahah omg! thud.

What an awesome good time this weekend! Holly hosted a weekend getaway. 5 of us gathered between Friday night and late Saturday afternoon for a stitch and bitch and let’s see how drunk we can get Sue to get rid of her cold!….ugh.

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We had a WONDERFUL time. I got some new Crochet ideas. Everyone got to see all the other’s current projects and we decided we are going to make this an annual thing. Holly in January, I’m planning on hosting one in May around my fire pit…Hopefully Tammy and Karen will each do one too.

I wiped out on some cement steps on Friday as I was leaving town. Thought I’d broken my right arm. There’s a nasty bruise on my elbow and forearm. Got my back but I’m not seeing a bruise on it. Got two spots on my left forearm and something musta hit my nose as that was sore all weekend, and not from my cold.

When I awoke Saturday morning…I could barely move my head. My shoulders and neck were stiff. I jarred myself pretty good apparently. Tammy rubbed some oils into my neck and it’s feeling much better today. My right arm, however……ow. I am a hurting unit today.

But, I’ll be OK. I’m a Midwest Farmer’s daughter. We are tough.

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My life isn’t going the way I want or expected. So it’s time to shut some doors and start over. Too many people were telling me I need to do this, that and the other thing without taking into consideration what I want or need. So it’s time to back up and start over.

And do what I want. Because you know something? It is MY life.

~~Today I’ll leave you with the following thought: Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. ~Henry Ford

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Little by little…..

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I write in my journal just about every night. There are times when I skip a day or 4….but I always come back to it. Sometimes I fill it….sometimes I just jot notes. It’s been a healing experience. Putting my thoughts down in here for public consumption is way different than what I write in my journal. That is private. My daughter may get that journal after I die. She can read it and burn it.

As I come to terms with Nick’s death, I find things fading. Like the sound of his voice. The touch of his hand. The tickle of his mustache.

The terror of his cancer? No. I wonder if that will ever leave me. With friends and family being diagnosed? I doubt it. I look through photos now from 2011 and on……and think “that damn tumor was there then, wasn’t it??”

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I went back and reread my journal entries. And I’ve gone back and reread this blog. It brought a lot of thoughts and things back but without the intense pain that was there when I originally wrote it. I have voice mails and videos of him with the grandkids….so I go back and watch them and listen to his voice. It knocks me to my knees to hear him and see him. Maybe that pain will fade one day.

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This little guy, his mommy, and my oldest grandson, I think miss him the most. I hate that they lost their Papa. But no one ever said life was fair.

~Today I leave you to ponder the following: He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.  ~Socrates

 

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My boys….

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They get along so well. Bohdi has already picked up Outside, Kennel up, Find Jegs…..he goes and does his business in the field like I want him to. SO loves his lovin’ from Momma when he’s done his job. Such a loving little bugger. He keeps his eye on me……snuggles so nice. I’m hoping soon he can move out of the kennel. Bath time then he can start sleeping with Momma like Jegs and Sprint do.

No, not feeling better….just remembered this photo…

HAVE A NICE DAY

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Feeling too crappy to write today…

……so just enjoy….think about these…….and hopefully tomorrow, I’ll be better.

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you-are-loved

All of you are….by someone….

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~~So today, I leave you  with this to ponder: An inexhaustible good nature is one of the most precious gifts of heaven, spreading itself like oil over the troubled sea of thought, and keeping the mind smooth and equable in the roughest weather. ~~ Washington Irving

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I didn’t have a choice…..

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I know I am not the same me. As it says above…..I put back my pieces differently. I can tell it in my mind set. I’m not the in a relationship person I was. I’m single now; and I’m going to have some fun. I deserve it.

I’m going to get my house all done……Check out the photo of my kitchen.  I’m loving the ‘distressed’ look. The cupboards on the right will be left untouched till my son gets done replacing the floor. The God awful tile is LEAVING. The new fridge goes in the hole on the right.

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I will lose all 3 of these cupboards. The new fridge is a LOT taller than the old one. And wider. So Brandon will be putting open shelves down this side. Hopefully one will be wide enough for the microwave. Stones and cast iron pans will be stored on them.

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I’ll be starting on the top cupboards tonight.

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So above is before…….

After will come……………….after.

~I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra

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Can we have some HOPE???

trump

UnRealHypocrisy          posted 26 minutes ago
You are seeing Business Strategy implemented in Washington.. An END to Political Swindling.. An END to Department heads WHO’s GOAL is to Maximize the UnNecessity of their department.. Increase their waste.. and add unnecessary burden on the USA Tax Payer.. Critics of Departments are NOW the Department HEADS.. You about to see a HUGE Reduction in Government Waste… Common Sense, Businessman TRUMP is the Greatest Pro AMERICA President EVER!!!!!!!
I really hope so. This is what Americans have wanted for a VERY long time.

 

 

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Well, that was painful….

….and yet, at the end of the visit…..I didn’t feel so devastated. Yesterday I went up to the cemetery for a visit. It was the 6 month anniversary.

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Six months since Nick passed. I remember I got an hour and 12 minutes sleep that night. I slept on the couch for the next few nights…staring at that hospital bed till they removed it. Then I think I slept there a few more nights. It was difficult to move back into OUR bed with him not in it. Over twenty years we lived together. March of ’96 he moved in with me.

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There are still days where I see something and it’s hard to breathe. I think that will ALWAYS be a new norm in my life. I pulled out yet ANOTHER pair of snow boots from the closet last night. Looked at them and wondered just how many pair did he have???

Slowly I am putting him away. It’s only been 6 months. And yet I may be ready to try moving on.

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Dating someone who knew Nick……..your thoughts?

I’m giggling thinking about this early 20’s something guy who’s been messaging me. He’s younger than my daughter.

Um no.

I just need to find out what I want.

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And I am going to do that…………Starting today.

~And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

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