I hate crying at the drop of a hat. I hate feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I enjoy a moment in time now. I hate feeling like I’m forgetting or ignoring Nick if I laugh at something or smile or go do something he and I planned to do together. I hate shutting down with people because something they have said or done has brought forth a memory that they cannot see has thrown me for a loop because I won’t LET them see that. It’s not their fault….it’s not mine. It’s just life right now.
I never know what will trigger this. I kind of figured out what started last Friday’s ‘episode’. I found Nick’s snow boots. With the laces tucked inside them from the last time he wore them…just as he left them. The same thing happened this summer when I went in the garage and found his coveralls hanging over the cardboard leaned up against the blue cart…. just where he left them. Or his lounging pants, hanging on the hook…just where he left them. Or almost anything I find ….just where he left them.
I just want to be normal again. It will be a new normal…but normal would be nice.
~Today I leave you to ponder: If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill