I write in my journal just about every night. There are times when I skip a day or 4….but I always come back to it. Sometimes I fill it….sometimes I just jot notes. It’s been a healing experience. Putting my thoughts down in here for public consumption is way different than what I write in my journal. That is private. My daughter may get that journal after I die. She can read it and burn it.
As I come to terms with Nick’s death, I find things fading. Like the sound of his voice. The touch of his hand. The tickle of his mustache.
The terror of his cancer? No. I wonder if that will ever leave me. With friends and family being diagnosed? I doubt it. I look through photos now from 2011 and on……and think “that damn tumor was there then, wasn’t it??”
I went back and reread my journal entries. And I’ve gone back and reread this blog. It brought a lot of thoughts and things back but without the intense pain that was there when I originally wrote it. I have voice mails and videos of him with the grandkids….so I go back and watch them and listen to his voice. It knocks me to my knees to hear him and see him. Maybe that pain will fade one day.
This little guy, his mommy, and my oldest grandson, I think miss him the most. I hate that they lost their Papa. But no one ever said life was fair.
~Today I leave you to ponder the following: He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature. ~Socrates