Stop. Just stop. EDITED

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Enough….especially those of you who are NOT American citizens.  I don’t go around bashing your prime minister, king, president, whatever you call YOUR top dog.

So stop doing that to mine. How disrespectful can you get??

Trump won. Get over yourself.

A TANGERINE?????? Setting yourself on fire?? Needing grief counseling? Crying? Protesting? And all the OTHER stupid shit I’m hearing you all are doing????

WHAT

THE

HELL???

I should head to google now and find dirt on all your top dogs then compare that person to the lunatic in North Korea.

How would THAT feel?????

But I’m not that stupid or petty so I won’t stoop to that level.

Grow up.

~~A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.  ~Henry Ward Beecher

Added!!

WASHINGTON – Inauguration Day protests turned violent late Friday morning, as spectators reported being attacked and a police official said demonstrators were vandalizing property and even torched a car.

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Guess what I did last night!!!

Yup……bought a new fribbider……I bought the last one in May of 1988. Figured I was due a new one. The old one had leaked water and now I have a square foot of rotted floor to replace. Which means refinishing the old tongue and groove hardwood maple ain’t gonna happen in the kitchen.

Dammit.

I told Nick after every time I had to clean water up, that we needed a new fridge. Nope, he didn’t think we did. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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I went from an 18.0 square foot Gibson to a 25.0 square foot Whirlpool. I’m LOVING it. It will take a bit of time to figure out and rearrange everything inside but hey……who cares?? My son will have more reno in my kitchen than I figured but the fridge will go with the house when I sell. So let’s do it up right.

Posting this photo below to show Jolie my dining room floor. Honey colored floor and the burnt orange walls make this room just GLOW in candle light. Had to do some rearranging to fit the fridge in here for now till son can do my floor so….. The 1949 Philco Entertainment center with the lamp on it is in the living room. My TV will be on it soon. The bookcase is now in my office as that’s where the fridge is for now.The black plant stand is now on the wall in my bathroom upstairs.

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This photo is from NYE 2013…just 10 months before Nick and I got his cancer diagnosis. I remember he didn’t feel real well that night. But we had fun with several other couples joining us to ring in the new year….Little did we know…..

I love my house. I think it’s a bootiful old building that had its 100th birthday last year. My friend Holly is making it SO hard for me to sell it and move back to Minnesota but I must go. My oldest grandson already has a place picked out for me. I want to be closer to those kids. And I’m going to take lots of photos to recreate the rooms she’s done. I can’t thank her enough for all she’s done to make that house MINE.

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I still can’t believe this room……Just look at my bedroom! It’s so hard to leave it in the morning to go anywhere let alone work!! I’m so comfortable and cozy and and and…….for the most part I am finding I sleep fine alone now. I think 99% of it is the comfort of this room. I just melt when I go to bed at night just like in the movies, I slide into bed on my hands with a smile on my face and go. … . ohhhhhhhh and land in a puddle of Booness….. I LOVE MY BEDROOM!!!

~And today I leave you to ponder this…..One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. ~ Dale Carnegie  

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This is going to be ……

….my new ‘motto’…..I’m going to go do more things like I want to. I’m going to go places and see people and try new things. Why? Because I can.

California, Maine, ITALY!! Here I come!!

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OK, yesterday I mentioned my new color on my cupboards. I’m lovin’ it. I need 28 drawer/door pulls….$70 later…I’m lovin’ it. It’s really brightening up my kitchen and giving it a whole new look. Which is what I am trying to do. I need something different….Making this house mine for now. I want to get it upgraded so I can sell it.

Here are the cupboards when I started. You can see the brown on the right. First coat on the left without the drawer pulls.

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……………………………………………………….The same section done with the pulls attached.

The place has appreciated over $20K since I bought it…I would like that to keep going……even if it is sending my freaking property taxes thru the roof. Up another $300…………FOR WHAT???? Some paint?? Jaysus!

My son has talked of putting down some ceramic tile that looks like wood.  I’d like to do that. So we’ll need to get that picked out this week yet. This means pulling out the stove too. I don’t like the idea of pulling the dishwasher because that puppy was a BITCH to get in that spot.

But I really want my kitchen done. I hate that I can scrub till I’m blue in the face and it still looks like crap. PAINT FIXES ALMOST ANYTHING! I need to get some urethane to coat it when I’m done. I should get it tonight. Do each section as I paint it.

I’m going to check into a new bottom drawer for my stove too. The one on there (also circa 1988) is starting to rust. Time for fun stuff for ME.

~~Today I leave you to think on the following: The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. ~ Bertrand Russell

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I’m doing things the way ……

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…..that I can. It may seem weird to others but hey….I’m me. Not you. I’m painting my kitchen. I know some people just CRINGED at the thought of that as I have 1970’s wood cupboards that have NO paint on them. But they are so dirty and unclean-able anymore so hey…PAINT! I’ve scrubbed them puppies till I’m blue in the face. Sand and paint. Sand and paint. Yup! Works for me.

Bad night again last night. Jon called to tell me my voice mail box was full again. Which meant I listened to the 3 voice mails from Nick……..

Ya.

Y’all have a great evening!!

~Today I leave you with this: Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough. ~ Pierre De Beaumarchais

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I just need music time….

I need an app for my phone…….that auto replies….”I’m not feelin’ it today. Please … don’t keep calling; don’t keep texting; don’t come to my house. I’m fine. I’ll get back to you tomorrow. I just need some me time with some good music. Please.”

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I have a bunch of people that, since July, have made it their mission to make sure I’m OK.

I am. Really I am.

I am grateful for these people in my life. I love them for being so concerned about me. I’m glad they love me enough to be worried. I do appreciate all they do for me. Because Lord knows my brain was scrambled for a long while…….It’s OK now tho.

But when I’m not? I just space and time and a HUGE ass box of tissues. This is my journey and I need to muddle through it however I can. Whatever works for me.

Last night for instance. I sat on the couch listening to the Eagles and stared at Nick. Tears rolling down my cheeks. When it was done, I wiped my face and went back to painting instead of being incapacitated for the rest of the night.

So I must be getting better……………..?

This is good as I’m still busy trying to get my house in order. I started painting my kitchen last night. I have a basement to put back in order. I have a shower that must get done. I have a room upstairs to finish sorting. Most of this stuff I have to do on my own. And the only way to get it done is my way. Which means the phone gets turned on mute. Don’t worry, if you text me? I’ll get it later and reply.

I guess I’ve spoiled everyone by almost ALWAYS immediate responses. I’m sorry for that.

I used to have a friend call me every night. He’d keep me on the phone for 2-3 hours. I got nothing done.  And I just need to get stuff done. I need to feel a sense of accomplishment every day. I lost that for a while. It’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Valentine’s Day is coming. I’m not celebrating it. I’ll send my g’kids their cards if I can find them. That’s it.  I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything. There’s only one man I want something from and that ain’t gonna happen so it will be just another day for me. I need this one to be empty.

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And that’s OK.

~Today I leave you to ponder the following: I don’t believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be. ~Ken Venturi

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I have not felt very lovable lately…

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I hate crying at the drop of a hat. I hate feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I enjoy a moment in time now. I hate feeling like I’m forgetting or ignoring Nick if I laugh at something or smile or go do something he and I planned to do together. I hate shutting down with people because something they have said or done has brought forth a memory that they cannot see has thrown me for a loop because I won’t LET them see that. It’s not their fault….it’s not mine. It’s just life right now.

I never know what will trigger this. I kind of figured out what started last Friday’s ‘episode’. I found Nick’s snow boots. With the laces tucked inside them from the last time he wore them…just as he left them. The same thing happened this summer when I went in the garage and found his coveralls hanging over the cardboard leaned up against the blue cart…. just where he left them. Or his lounging pants, hanging on the hook…just where he left them. Or almost anything I find ….just where he left them.

I just want to be normal again. It will be a new normal…but normal would be nice.

~Today I leave you to ponder: If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill  

 

 

 

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I did….

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…and I will get thru this.

Maybe not unscathed…but I will. Because it’s how I am. I grew up a Midwest Farmer’s Daughter. I’m proud of that, Daddy. It’s just the way we are. One foot in front of the other. Deal with whatever needs dealt with and move on.

This is just the biggest thing I’ve ever had to deal with and I’m floundering thru it but I’m getting thru it.

I can’t bring him back………so I learn to go on without him.

Every day.

I’ve learned to appreciate those around me and to love them because they are in my life for a reason, because to lose them would be more than I could bear.

~So today I leave you with the following: A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.  ~Hugh Sidey

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But am I?

Most days I’m not so sure. I spent a lot of the last 5 days reliving parts of my life over, parts from the past 2 years plus some random old memories thrown in just to stir it all up even more. Vividly.

I don’t know if I’ve been that incapacitated since the days surrounding July 22nd.

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I did, however, survive them. Which, now, I find amazing because I didn’t lose the feeling of despair, helplessness, sorrow, pain, confusion in a haze of despair, helplessness, sorrow, pain and confusion. It’s all

RIGHT

THERE

YET.

Put away in a little corner till I don’t know when. I’ll deal with it as I get stronger and when it decides to come out and slap me again.

We had some NASTY nasty weather yesterday. A friend of mine asked if I made it home in my ‘little Ford’ because his Chevy did just fine.Escape

My reply?

“My little Ford walked right smartly into my snow covered and drifted shut driveway like it was a bright summer day.”

His reply?

“Smart Ass”

Both were capitalized for some reason.

Me? A smart ass?

NEVER..

~Two quotes to ponder today: A friend who dies, it’s something of you who dies. ~Gustave Flaubert

~Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them. ~George Eliot

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Breathe…ya RIGHT! pffffft….

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Anxious isn’t the word for it right now. I feel like I’m reliving Nick’s last few days, weeks and some of our life together. Memories are pouring over me right now and I’m barely able to function it seems. I keep putting one foot in front of the other but MAN…..I’d like to BREATHE! It’s time for a get away weekend.

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Sometimes I think I will wake up and this will all be a bad dream. Then I look over to his side of the bed and it’s empty.

Empty.

And it slams into me again. Jan 22nd is 6 months. A half a year already. And it still seems like yesterday.

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I can’t let him go. He made me happy. It’s these memories that are knocking me to my knees right now.

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I stand in the shower and cry. Because I can. The unfortunate thing is you can see it on the outside now. I’m looking worse for wear. I think I need some time off.

Time for a mental health day as I feel a bad case of the phuckits coming on.

It might be contagious.

~Today I give you something to ponder………….Death was Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.– Terry Pratchett (Strata, 1981) Slow down and enjoy life while you are living.

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I’m not getting to listen

….to music much anymore. And I’m finding myself sinking deeper into a black hole of despair.

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You may think that sounds rather melodramatic but it’s not. I went into a deep depression during my divorce. I climbed out….not with music but by sheer will…..yet I feel myself being pulled back in again. This past weekend, I couldn’t look at a photo of Nick without losing it. I couldn’t think of him without losing it. I don’t know why. I’m hoping it was just ‘one of those kinds of days’ and I’ll move along again soon.

Ya, moving along.

There were several guys that had no problem telling me, sometimes even in front of Nick, that they wanted to date me.

Where are they now? Nowhere to be seen. I’m no longer forbidden. What a joke those guys were. One even got MAD at me for wearing a diamond (my engagement ring) YOU DIDN’T GO DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE GET MARRIED DIDJA?….wtf? #1 None of your business. #2 ew, I wouldn’t go out with you ANYWAY….

This is how I felt about them anyway. I had Nick. What did I need them for?

My anger and fear started rearing their ugly heads this weekend. I did turn it to something productive and swept part of my basement, got 2 doors painted, some trim fixed and some bent over nails straightened.

I think I need to get angry more often!

~ “The pain of losing him is easier to bear than the pain of his rejection.” ~

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