This is where I am heading now. I’m kind of liking my own company. I’m kind of liking making my own decisions on what to do, where to go, whom to see. Not at first …. wow…. that was ROUGH. Coming to realize just how many decisions he made SIMPLY by being there, was amazing.
The pain of losing Nick will never go away. It’s barely subsiding most days. Some days I do OK. Some days I put my car keys in the fridge.
But each day is getting a little easier. And I’m sure they will continue to get easier. I am just wondering how I would be doing if I didn’t have my daughter from Thailand there. I think I’d be a basket case.
And now I worry about her leaving and me with 3 months on my own. It will be a test.
I’m rather looking forward to having the house to myself. Two dogs and a cat not included.
Or maybe it was that UPHILL CLIMB where, after 15 minutes, the Ranger Mudbogger came and picked Lennox and me up. *pant pant* omg. Holy cow! I need to do that every day for a month. I’d be in shape and lose all the weight……
I’m trying to let loose and live again. I knew it would be difficult but sometimes the simplest decision becomes monumental when you feel you are doing something wrong even though you aren’t. I relied on Nick for SO many answers. I’m only now coming to understand JUST how many.
I really need to get up to visit him again. I always have a good talk when I’m there. I’ve been reading back through this journal, remembering…..And I can actually breathe while reading most of them. Some still knock me down….but for the most part it’s somewhat easier.
I will always miss him with an intensity that can surprise most people. What he and I had was special………..Something I don’t know if I will ever get close to again.
But one can have hope………..
….and still am….although there are days I wonder. I know Nick was. He was a force to be reckoned with most days.
I’m trying to get my mind made up about parking the Escape in my garage. However, I have tenants in my garage. And they are not nice ones. So I need to get a few things straight to make them want to move out. And fast. I also have to find the keys to my basement door. Ugh.
Last night, I went out to the garage to find the overhead door remote and look over all the stuff in there again. Just to see what’s what. I’m wondering about renting a dumpster. Ugh
Oh the memories that flooded back. I’m walking around looking at the stuff and run across his coveralls again. I held them close, hugging them, seeing him in them. And it’s all I can do to breathe. I could smell him on the clothes, I could see the last time I remember him wearing them…..
Some things are getting easier with time.
And some are not.
I could smell ‘car’ on me when I got back into the house.
You know how powerful aromas are for bringing back memories???
Ya, it was like that. And that’s OK. I just wish his hand wouldn’t clutch my heart so tight sometimes.
Well….today let’s talk about stupid drivers. Saw several this morning, as usual, but ONE really took the cake.
First a review. When a SCHOOL BUS has it’s yellow flashing lights on, what do you do? Especially when you see school aged children standing at the end of their driveway….?
You slow down and stop by the time the red flashing lights come on. This is what I did as I was the first one coming up on this bus this morning.
This moron behind me?? Thought it would try to PASS ME on the right side as I’m stopping for a school bus with the red lights flashing. So I pulled to the right and the idiot slammed on its brakes and finally started slowing down.
Really? You are a special kind of stupid aren’t you??
Why didn’t I let it pass? Because they have taken the power away from bus drivers to DO something about this. The bus driver would have done nothing.
After the bus started up again, the moron stayed way behind me so I couldn’t get his plates. I would have turned their stupid ass in. They wouldn’t even catch up to me on the 4 lane…..stayed just far enough back….Whatever.
I’m lovin’ my new speakers. I can sing to my hearts content all the way to work again and not have that vibrating noise grate on my nerves.
I’ve come up with a new plan for now. I’m seriously thinking of investing in a permanent camper by my son. Then I don’t have to sell my house and move. I can go and be by them for the weekends and enjoy. Brandon is going to help me look.
I’m rather excited about this idea. I hope it works out. Cause I really don’t want to move THAT bad yet. I have so much stuff to deal with. And I had said I wanted to move within 2 years. That really puts pressure on so I’m thinking the camper thing is a better idea for now…..
vb (intr) , whinges, whingeing or whinged
1. to cry in a fretful way
2. to complain
n : a complaint
I used to do a post every week I called Wednesday Whingeing. Anyone could ‘whinge’ or complain in the comments. It was great fun. Especially the days when I would title it as above then write:
……………ya, I got nothing today.
THAT usually got the most and best comments!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhaha
“Wait…………what?????” cracked me up.
There are only a few people who ‘dare’? to tell me stories of Nick or even acknowledge him. On Saturday night, Gary told me “I really miss talking to Nick.” He was the only one. Out of 25 or 30 people. That made me sad. Don’t be afraid to mention him….
Monday night, a friend showed me a bowl in his freezer in the shop where he kept ice for Nick to drink his tequila sunrises. The bowl had been in there years. It made me smile. And made why it took so long when he went there make sense…..*raises left eyebrow*
A few others have shared stories…and they make me smile and remember other things about him I had forgotten. I try to write them down so I don’t lose them. Twenty three years is a lot of time to remember.
If we DON’T talk about him, then he WILL be gone. Please … always share your memories….it keeps them alive in all our hearts…..
~~And today I leave you with this: For me, habit is just a synonym for death. ~Juliette Binoche
There are days when I wonder.
Tell me? Are my posts getting ‘brighter’? Less maudlin about Nick and more about me moving on? I just want to enjoy life again and constantly being upset about Nick is preventing that. I’m beginning to put a time and place for my ‘upset’ in place. I’m trying to be more upbeat and happy. I just don’t like feeling like I’m being untrue to him. He is gone; as MUCH as I hate that, and the days I can’t wrap my head around that are getting further apart.
It is still surreal he is gone. I see photos and videos of him and think I had a wonderful man in my life. At the second party Saturday night, one of the guys told me “I really miss talking to Nick.” We all do hon. We all do.
Doctor says I have Plantar Fasciitis. I need most likely a shot directly in to my heel. Yay. Not.
I have 2 more appointments. Yay. Yup…..I knew this doctor crap would be NOT fun. But it’s been at least 3 years? since I’ve been…..spose I should. Don’t yell at me. I’ve been a little busy then a lot dazed and confused.