Where DO I go from here?

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This is where I am heading now. I’m kind of liking my own company. I’m kind of liking making my own decisions on what to do, where to go, whom to see. Not at first …. wow…. that was ROUGH. Coming to realize just how many decisions he made SIMPLY by being there, was amazing.

The pain of losing Nick will never go away. It’s barely subsiding most days. Some days I do OK. Some days I put my car keys in the fridge.

But each day is getting a little easier. And I’m sure they will continue to get easier. I am just wondering how I would be doing if I didn’t have my daughter from Thailand there. I think I’d be a basket case.

And now I worry about her leaving and me with 3 months on my own. It will be a test.

I’m rather looking forward to having the house to myself. Two dogs and a cat not included.

*snortz*

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I’m too old to go sledding now…

Or maybe it was that UPHILL CLIMB where, after 15 minutes, the Ranger Mudbogger came and picked Lennox and me up. *pant pant* omg. Holy cow! I need to do that every day for a month. I’d be in shape and lose all the weight……

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I’m trying to let loose and live again. I knew it would be difficult but sometimes the simplest decision becomes monumental when you feel you are doing something wrong even though you aren’t. I relied on Nick for SO many answers. I’m only now coming to understand JUST how many.

growing-older

I really need to get up to visit him again. I always have a good talk when I’m there. I’ve been reading back through this journal, remembering…..And I can actually breathe while reading most of them. Some still knock me down….but for the most part it’s somewhat easier.

wooo-hooo-what-a-ride

I will always miss him with an intensity that can surprise most people. What he and I had was special………..Something I don’t know if I will ever get close to again.

But one can have hope………..

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I’d like to think I was…..

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….and still am….although there are days I wonder. I know Nick was. He was a force to be reckoned with most days.

I’m trying to get my mind made up about parking the Escape in my garage. However, I have tenants in my garage. And they are not nice ones. So I need to get a few things straight to make them want to move out. And fast. I also have to find the keys to my basement door. Ugh.

Last night, I went out to the garage to find the overhead door remote and look over all the stuff in there again. Just to see what’s what. I’m wondering about renting a dumpster. Ugh

Oh the memories that flooded back. I’m walking around looking at the stuff and run across his coveralls again. I held them close, hugging them, seeing him in them. And it’s all I can do to breathe. I could smell him on the clothes, I could see the last time I remember him wearing them…..

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Some things are getting easier with time.

And some are not.

I could smell ‘car’ on me when I got back into the house.

You know how powerful aromas are for bringing back memories???

Ya, it was like that. And that’s OK. I just wish his hand wouldn’t clutch my heart so tight sometimes.

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This will ALWAYS crack me up….

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Well….today let’s talk about stupid drivers. Saw several this morning, as usual, but ONE really took the cake.

First a review. When a SCHOOL BUS has it’s yellow flashing lights on, what do you do? Especially when you see school aged children standing at the end of their driveway….?

You slow down and stop by the time the red flashing lights come on. This is what I did as I was the first one coming up on this bus this morning.

This moron behind me?? Thought it would try to PASS ME on the right side as I’m stopping for a school bus with the red lights flashing. So I pulled to the right and the idiot slammed on its brakes and finally started slowing down.

Really? You are a special kind of stupid aren’t you??

Why didn’t I let it pass? Because they have taken the power away from bus drivers to DO something about this. The bus driver would have done nothing.

After the bus started up again, the moron stayed way behind me so I couldn’t get his plates. I would have turned their stupid ass in. They wouldn’t even catch up to me on the 4 lane…..stayed just far enough back….Whatever.

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I’m lovin’ my new speakers. I can sing to my hearts content all the way to work again and not have that vibrating noise grate on my nerves.

I’ve come up with a new plan for now. I’m seriously thinking of investing in a permanent camper by my son. Then I don’t have to sell my house and move. I can go and be by them for the weekends and enjoy. Brandon is going to help me look.

I’m rather excited about this idea. I hope it works out. Cause I really don’t want to move THAT bad yet. I have so much stuff to deal with. And I had said I wanted to move within 2 years. That really puts pressure on so I’m thinking the camper thing is a better idea for now…..

Fingers crossed!!!

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Wednesday Whingeing….

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whinge (wɪndʒ)

vb (intr) , whinges, whingeing or whinged

1. to cry in a fretful way
2. to complain

n :  a complaint

I used to do a post every week I called Wednesday Whingeing. Anyone could ‘whinge’ or complain in the comments. It was great fun. Especially the days when I would title it as above then write:

……………ya, I got nothing today.

THAT usually got the most and best comments!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhaha

“Wait…………what?????”   cracked me up.

i-hear-you-stumbling-for-words

There are only a few people who ‘dare’? to tell me stories of Nick or even acknowledge him. On Saturday night, Gary told me “I really miss talking to Nick.” He was the only one. Out of 25 or 30 people. That made me sad. Don’t be afraid to mention him….to live on in the hearts of others.JPG

Monday night, a friend showed me a bowl in his freezer in the shop where he kept ice for Nick to drink his tequila sunrises. The bowl had been in there years. It made me smile. And made why it took so long when he went there make sense…..*raises left eyebrow*

A few others have shared stories…and they make me smile and remember other things about him I had forgotten. I try to write them down so I don’t lose them. Twenty three years is a lot of time to remember.

If we DON’T talk about him, then he WILL be gone. Please … always share your memories….it keeps them alive in all our hearts…..

~~And today I leave you with this: For me, habit is just a synonym for death. ~Juliette Binoche

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Tuesday thoughts…..

crazy

There are days when I wonder.

Tell me? Are my posts getting ‘brighter’? Less maudlin about Nick and more about me moving on? I just want to enjoy life again and constantly being upset about Nick is preventing that. I’m beginning to put a time and place for my ‘upset’ in place. I’m trying to be more upbeat and happy. I just don’t like feeling like I’m being untrue to him. He is gone; as MUCH as I hate that, and the days I can’t wrap my head around that are getting further apart.

It is still surreal he is gone. I see photos and videos of him and think I had a wonderful man in my life. At the second party Saturday night, one of the guys told me “I really miss talking to Nick.” We all do hon. We all do.

Doctor says I have Plantar Fasciitis. I need most likely a shot directly in to my heel. Yay. Not.

I have 2 more appointments. Yay. Yup…..I knew this doctor crap would be NOT fun. But it’s been at least 3 years? since I’ve been…..spose I should. Don’t yell at me. I’ve been a little busy then a lot dazed and confused.

have-a-nice-day

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It’s another Monday….yawn….

….and I actually went out Saturday night. I know, amazing right?????

I entered my chili in a soup/chili feed. Of course I didn’t win but if’n I’da known about the soup, I’da taken my Potato Soup…..ya……I didn’t read it right or it wasn’t all in the listing. That’s OK. There’s always next year.

I had an AWESOME good time. I sat with my friends D, R and J. Some funny, fun, and interesting conversations. I really did enjoy being out.

I didn’t drink but man did I laugh and oops, almost gave out a lap dance….haven’t done THAT in years! oh shush. I even got a kiss. Not telling from whom.

chicken-of-course-this-is-my-monday-face-its-not-friday

I left THAT party far too early and went to a *gasp* SECOND ONE! Ya, I know right??? Don’t over do it!! That party was much more sedate. We did a White Elephant Christmas gift exchange. I ended up with a photo of President Trump that EVERYONE wanted. I kept it. *chuckles*

Ms. Excitement here was home by 10:20pm. And made the mistake of sitting at my desk sorting more paperwork to get on with doing my taxes. It was after 2am before I finally crawled in bed. I came across a bunch of the paperwork (and I mean a BUNCH) from Nick’s appointments and started reading them. Diagnosis, medications, appointments, surgeries…..He went through so much. I don’t know how he endured it. We all bitch when we have little aches and pains. This man stoically put up with more than I think I ever could.

So naturally memories flooded back of sitting at the clinic, and the hospital and the chemo lab. Watching him go from a healthy 160lbs to 105lbs. I remember one time he sat up in bed and leaned over to look at me. I opened my eyes and for a moment was frightened. He was nothing but skin and bones.

I keep wishing for him to still be with me, healthy and funny, warm and loving…..I really miss him.

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Just a little something to brighten up your Monday.

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Or spice it up. Oh Lordy…

happy-male-monday      fainting

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Me? I get this.

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I rec’d an email last week from Jack, my Freedom Honor Flight veteran’s younger brother. They took Bill to the ER by ambulance with a high fever. I need to get up there so I’ve set it up with my friend Jon to go stay with him at his house since he’s less than 40 minutes from Bill and I can get there from there.

I’m so worried…I know, he’s 95, he’s done SO well. Still has his mind and is able to get around with a walker yet…..but still he’s getting on in years. I will miss him terribly. I always have such nice conversations with him. And he’s always so happy to see me. He just crawled into my heart and has stayed there.

~ People in cities may forget the soil for as long as a hundred years, but Mother Nature’s memory is long and she will not let them forget indefinitely. ~~Henry Cantwell Wallace

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Funny….I feel stronger today

if-you-hit-me-when-im-down-you-better-pray-i-dont-get-up

I had a LONG talk with a dear friend last night. HOPEFULLY got a lot of things cleared up and aired out and we can move along now. I’m sorry life isn’t dealing either of us the cards we want, but that’s life.

karma

I believe in the above…….

I’m just going quiet from a lot of people….It doesn’t matter what I say, they want to twist it to make me look bad. To find out that a long time friends says I’m using Nick’s death to get attention is beyond reprehensible. I would MUCH rather have him here. What he and I was special. Once in a lifetime. If I’m sad about it? YOU deal with it. Because I’ll do what I have to do to learn how to NOT get over it, but learn how to COPE with it and learn how to LIVE again, without him here.

have-a-nice-day

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No one has stepped up and . . .

. . . claimed the beautiful flowers…..

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So the general consensus is to believe they are from Nick. Which makes my heart smile. I miss him so.

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I found this on my home computer, read it and lost it giggling.

Well, I sold one of the cars last night. Bittersweet in that it was the LAST one I wanted to let go, I had others I wanted to have gone first, but it’s going to a good friend and will be driven by a young man named ….. wait for it…..”Nick”. So it won’t be so bad because I’ll get to see the car on occasion. Hopefully get to drive her once. Once things start to dry out, she’ll be heading down the road…..I see I have a crap load of tire tracks across the lawn already…..so it may be a while….This gives me some more room in the shed tho. I’d like to get my 8N and the trailer with the truck topper in there. I’m just not trusting anyone anymore.

Or maybe I’m getting paranoid. (naw……………well………..hmmmmmmmm……Looks around)

OR MAYBE I JUST WANT SHIT OFF MY LAWN!!!

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I’m talking to a young man about a motorcycle ride this weekend. How tempting is THAT??? It’s supposed to get into the 60’s!  I’ve never been one to be big on cycles. But after Joe A. and I talked about how much he rode after leaving the cemetery that day…it sounds like something I’d like to try once. Twice if I like it. Three if I lov…OK, you get the pattern… I know, I know we can’t go but man….that would be fun!!

I actually used to ride the smaller bikes. Trail 70 when I was a kid, Honda 125 when we lived on the ridge, and can’t remember anything else. Plenty big enough for me….I didn’t ride enough to get really used to just jumping on and going. I did enjoy it. I have thought on more than one occasion, I should invest in something to ride to work. Might be fun now and then………

The Trail 70 went to my son, Adam, this past weekend. Megann got his camera. Now Brandon needs to decide what he would like. He wasn’t as close to Nick as Meg and Adam were. But the two of them did become friends. The Grandchildren can pick out toy cars to keep. They are each getting a memory pillow if I can ever get to Mauston…..

I went to lunch at a friends house today. She told me I can ‘wow’ people. My face, my personality, my self confidence…. Then Nick got sick and I ‘let myself go’ which I didn’t do. What happened wasn’t by CHOICE which is what people do when they let themselves go. Nick wanted to spend every evening cuddling on the couch with me holding him.

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That’s what I did. That meant no exercise…..Well, I’m working on that. She told me she can see it coming back, my figure, my self confidence, even my skin tone looks better….WOW…. that felt good to hear!!

I’m working on it. I’m doing isometrics. I’m doing crunches, I’m doing stretching… I’ve lost most of my appetite – all I gotta do is look in the mirror…. I look at pictures of me……….

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I’d like to be back to this weight again. I felt so much better and felt better about myself. I’d be happy to be halfway between this and where I am now.

These photos are from 1993 and 1994. I lost SO much weight from the stress of my divorce. No, I was not too skinny here. I was ‘just right’ Papa Bear….third photo is from South Padre Island, TX. We were RIGHT on the water….it was flippin’ AWESOME!!

~~Today I leave you to ponder on the following: I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.  ~~Mae West

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