It’s now another Thursday….

Last night, I actually went to bed before 10pm! Wow….that hasn’t happened in a very long time. Felt pretty damn good. Except then at 2am….*sigh*…haven’t done THAT in a long time either.

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Keep fighting.jpg

I got this one from someone way back while Nick was still fighting cancer. It was meant for me so I could keep going for Nick. It’s so hard to watch the one you love fight and fight and still fade away. You feel as if your own strength wanes with all the doctor appointments, medicine, and the mental fatigue that comes with all the worry and fear. The fear can be debilitating.

But I kept fighting right along next to him.

Then…..

…..I remember vividly THAT Friday morning….sitting on my couch, looking at the empty hospital bed by my big window, the sun shining through like nothing traumatic had just happened, just another day dawning bright and beautiful.

“I have nothing to do to help Nick today.” I thought and I just sat there. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t lay down. I just stared out the window feeling so incredibly lost. I’d been so busy for so long, doing for Nick then …….nothing. I know I spent several days ……..just wandering. No one came to the house that I can remember. I had to do running for the funeral but when I was home? I was home alone.

Alone.

With NOTHING to do at home.

Frightening.

Eventually I got up and went and laid in that bed. I even slept in that bed. Trying to recapture his essence……..? Smelling him on the sheets, remembering him laying there mumbling “I love you.”

God, I miss him.

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life is too short to worry about what others say or think about you.jpg

I’ve spent so much of my adult like trying NOT to give people something to talk about that this one might be a bit difficult to get going.

However, I am single so I can do what I want. I just have to get into that mindset. I don’t plan on having a boyfriend for a long time. That’ll really get them talking!! ha!

It’s just strange to think that I can do who I want, what I want, when I want, how I want, where I want and I don’t have to feel guilty about it. I’ve NEVER been able to think/feel that way. It will be liberating…….some day.

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be-with-those-that-bring-out-the-best-in-you

I’ve decided I have to tell a friend good bye. I’ve wanted to date this man for a long time. But he’s had too much death in his life, like me and is doing what he can just to maintain. And for me to remain friends with him while feeling as I do, with him feeling as he does, just causes me too much pain. He knows how I feel about him, and if he ever decides to join the human race again, I’ll welcome him with open arms. But until such a day arrives?…….I’m on my own. If I find someone else, I find someone else. Life is too short to not be happy.

if-there-is-a-slight-chance-at-getting-something-that-will-make-you-happy

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trying-to-have-a-normal-day-wish-me-luck

It’s going to the most terrifying 3 minutes of my LIFE!!!

~~Today I leave you with the following:  Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do… but how much love we put in that action. ~~Mother Teresa

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One Response to It’s now another Thursday….

  1. Ronda says:

    ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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