This one is pretty raw for me to write…grab a tissue?

to live on in the hearts of others

I’ve been having flashbacks…………….some good. Some not so good. None like last night tho.

Some make me smile and laugh.  Some make me sad. But I am happy to report that I get through MOST of them easier and in less time.

And then there are some that make me just seize up. Like last night. I have NO idea what happened. I’m in the shower singing away to the song AW sent me. I love this song. I listen to it several times a day.

All of a sudden Nick is in the shower with me. Not just a memory or looking in as a memory, but he is THERE. I can see his back. I can feel his skin under my hands. I can feel the soap I’m rubbing on his body. My hands kept reaching out for him and I could FEEL him.

It was SO vivid.

I have NEVER had one like that till last night.


I stood in the shower just trying to not beg him come back! I kept reaching for him to touch him, hold him, bring him back.





I texted my friend. “It won’t let go.” “What’s that sweetie” “I’ll be OK, never mind.”  “wait a minute, you can’t start like that then just quit right away…what’s wrong.”  I didn’t answer him so he called. We talked for almost 90 minutes before I felt OK enough to sleep. This one hit hard.

It’s hanging on, it was so real.

And I awakened this morning and that’s the first thought that hit me. And I’m back to the painful feelings I had last night. It’s taking me hours to write this as I have to stop and BREATHE for a while before continuing.

all i did today was breathe.jpeg

So this morning I felt a need to wear one of his coats. When I do, it’s like he’s hugging me. I put my hands in the pockets and find NOTHING but tissues. And I finally started to laugh. His coat pockets are always full of tissues! Then I checked the inside pocket. I pull out 2 gift cards. I check the balances. He never used them. I have $40 in gift cards from his Mother and the worthless child so I can go get dog food….Thank you love. Our dog will eat for a few more months.

Bohdi and Jegs

I really need to get a new photo of them laying side by side. Bohdi is taller than Jegs now. He’s still a skinny teenager. He won’t fill out completely for another year yet.

And he’s so beautiful.

And SUCH a puppy.

I’ll be alright. I always am. And the only way to GET through these things is to just get through them. And figure out what happened and what to do when the next one hits.

Today I leave you with the following:


Posted in Me

6 thoughts on “This one is pretty raw for me to write…grab a tissue?

  1. I don’t have the answers for anyone. What I do know is what I sometimes see or dream about and it’s not always pretty or something that I even want to write about. What I will say is it’s OK to feel raw.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I found if I write about it, get it out of my head, it begins to lose it’s grip, it’s power over me. 25 years ago I’d have kept this to myself. Not anymore. If I can help some by getting my pain out there, I will feel better.


  2. Big tight hugssss !!! And you WILL get through them, every time, and with each time you will grow stronger. I know you will.

    Liked by 1 person

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