Just some funnies I found…from 2004

Happy Hour In South Carolina: A redneck is driving down a back road in South Carolina.
A sign in front of a restaurant  reads:


HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer


“Lord almighty,” he says to himself, “my three favorite things!!”

*************************************************************

Rules of the Midwest
A message from the rural Midwest: Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Montana, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped… by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flat head catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for: Bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. You say that you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks–because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too–and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it?  Interstates 70, 80, &90 go two ways-Interstates 29 &35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is. Now, enjoy your visit.

 

******************************************************************

 A dog is truly a man’s best friend. 

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

************************************************************

To the powerful women in my life  – Keep the faith!!!
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says…
‘Oh shit…she’s awake!!
Advertisements
This entry was posted in Me. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Just some funnies I found…from 2004

  1. Ronda says:

    Thanks for the laughs! 😀

    Like

  2. Dewy says:

    😂😂😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Now, now. You corn-fed folks have got us New Jersey types all wrong! We kill deer, too. Accidentally. When they jump across our many, many, many highways.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s