Nick and I had many anniversaries.
March 20th – our wedding
April 21st – our first kiss (no photo)
May 19th – my fi…well never mind. (really? no, no photo)
June 7th – The day he asked me to marry him. (I have a photo that day somewhere too)
Nov 9th – the first time…..well again, never mind. (there migh…..no, j/k)
Maybe today being the day it is, is why I am feeling bereft, out of sorts, hungover. Maybe it is why I stayed up late last night (OK into this morning) rereading my ‘journal’ I started about 7 weeks before Nick died. Recording things like weather, news, joys, and sorrows. Very few joys. Lots of sorrow.
I was reading and all I could feel was the helplessness and despair I felt in those days. The journal stops abruptly soon after we got back from Canada and doesn’t start again til Aug 1st. I’m glad I did write it all down. It’s not as detailed as what I wrote in here. And not all the things I wrote in that book are in here.
I started writing to Nick in that journal after he died. It has helped me cope and heal more than I ever thought possible. I do recommend it to anyone going through a loss. Write to them what you would tell them if they were here. Write to them that you are PISSED OFF they are gone, sad, angry they have left you behind, missing them more than you thought possible. It’s ok to have these thoughts. It’s healing to write them out, express them. I have always said talking about something cuts it’s hold on you in half. Each time you talk about it, write about it, the hold on you loosens.
This journey has been full of ups and down, joys and sorrows. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if reading my words, helps you in any way? Then this blog is worth it. Pouring my heart out on these pages is worth it.
Take care my friends. We will make it through.