Another anniversary today

Nick and I had many anniversaries.

March 20th – our wedding

cathy nick sue allison

April 21st – our first kiss (no photo)

May 19th – my fi…well never mind. (really? no, no photo)

June 7th – The day he asked me to marry him. (I have a photo that day somewhere too)

Nov 9th – the first time…..well again, never mind. (there migh…..no, j/k)

nick-and-sue-hand-on-my-butt

Maybe today being the day it is, is why I am feeling bereft, out of sorts, hungover. Maybe it is why I stayed up late last night (OK into this morning) rereading my ‘journal’ I started about 7 weeks before Nick died. Recording things like weather, news, joys, and sorrows.  Very few joys. Lots of sorrow.

I was reading and all I could feel was the helplessness and despair I felt in those days. The journal stops abruptly soon after we got back from Canada and doesn’t start again til Aug 1st. I’m glad I did write it all down. It’s not as detailed as what I wrote in here. And not all the things I wrote in that book are in here.

I started writing to Nick in that journal after he died. It has helped me cope and heal more than I ever thought possible. I do recommend it to anyone going through a loss. Write to them what you would tell them if they were here. Write to them that you are PISSED OFF they are gone, sad, angry they have left you behind, missing them more than you thought possible. It’s ok to have these thoughts.  It’s healing to write them out, express them. I have always said talking about something cuts it’s hold on you in half. Each time you talk about it, write about it, the hold on you loosens.

This journey has been full of ups and down, joys and sorrows. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But if reading my words, helps you in any way? Then this blog is worth it.  Pouring my heart out on these pages is worth it.

Take care my friends. We will make it through.

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Tuesday night shower….is over?

Nick didn’t come to me. I was alone.

.Nick 71716
I was somewhat disappointed.

I talked to him but nothing.

Maybe that’s all he needed to do to let me know he’s OK.

I’m OK with that.

I think.

This photo was taken the Sunday before he left me. Barely a shell.

I will miss him till the day I die.

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Another one left last night

This doesn’t get easier.

As each one goes, I’m reminded of what he wanted to do with each one.  If you look closely you can see me in a plaid shirt hiding behind the tree. Behind me you see the left quarter of a 1971 Mustang convertible Nick dragged home a couple months before he died. (so there’s that slamming into me again) That will be put up on a trailer, parted out; then, it too, goes to the scrap yard. There is an F250 parts truck behind the shed Fred wants the windshield out of, so he’ll be parting that vehicle out. That carcass will go to the scrap yard, also. Nick got everything he wanted off of that truck.  So soon 2 more will be gone.

mustang leaving.jpg

I have a gorgeous maroon 2006 Fusion that needs put together and something done with. I have NO idea what to do with it. Just another project that didn’t get done, I guess.

The House 816-2

Last night, I sat out on my front step for almost 2 hours, just enjoying the 75*, the wind, the dogs, the flashing (banging part of the show came later along with several tornadoes during some nasty storms that killed people). I didn’t know about the bad storms till later so I just sat out there and just ‘was’. Just wanted to ‘be’. Without having to be anything. Be anywhere. Do anything. Just sit and ‘be’.

It was a nice thing. My friend stopped by on his way home and sat there with me. Just being. We had a nice chat. Watched the lightening which was NUTS.

I had planned on moving stuff around in my shed.  I need to start getting more things out of my house so I can DO that damn bedroom upstairs. It was simply too hot to be out moving things around. But I would have sweated off 5lbs so maybe I should have. There’s a thought.

I’m wearing an awesome bra today. Wow. Cleavage! Thank God the washer didn’t eat this one!

Anyway, tonight I get to go home and just ‘be’ again. I think, if it’s raining like it’s sposed to be, I may just dig into my cross stitch family tree and see if I can fix it. Or maybe go move that stuff around in my shed. Take a chair with me and watch the Flash and Bang show from the open overhead door and just ‘be’.

truck and trench 003.jpg

Y’all have a nice day.

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The Flash and Bang Show

….last night was spectacular.  And now I am exhausted because apparently it wanted me to watch.

All

Night

Long

aaaakkkkk

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a walking goddess

I sure don’t feel like it today. Daughter was home yesterday with what she thought was a food allergy. (food poisoning?) I’m thinking it was more like intestinal flu because today? I’m feeling like crap. It couldn’t have been all the wine last night. *gives him a SIDEWAYS look*  When I go for a movie, we simply MUST start watching it earlier. And STOP FILLING MY GLASS!!

I’m into the Pirates of the Caribbean series right now. I should be home finishing up the cross stitch family tree. The sad thing is, I have to be in the mood to do that and I haven’t since Nick died. I tried working on it when Nick was ill and I managed to mess up some of the leaf colors. I stopped and have not been able to get back on it since.

clothes

It drives me nuts that I still cannot get back into everything I need to be doing. I have more projects than you can shake a stick at.

–landscape which includes moving flowers and planting trees.

–patio around fire pit.

–red brick ‘floor’ for the grills to sit on.

–3 upstairs bedrooms.

–downstairs bath

–kitchen

–redo all the wiring crap for the TV/VCR

–the garage

–the shed

–my cupboards in laundry room.

-repaint laundry

No wonder I am exhausted. Just thinking about it all tires me out.

truck out last night

A friend and I got this baby out. I can’t wait to drive her again. Poor Jegs crawled in and wouldn’t come out. His head was hanging down. I know he was thinking about Dad. And mourning him again.

As did I.

sunset last night

The sunset was beautiful last night. It came out between the Flash and Bang shows that were going on. The way the sunlight played on the truck is from this. I took the photos one after another.

Well, if y’all got nuttin’ ter do!? Come join me with a paint brush? or a shovel? or a….bedtime story??

 

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I know, right?

crown.png

He didn’t give me the crown I was expecting! And it hurt! Oh well.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Our weather was so nice. I didn’t get as much done outside as I’d like to but I enjoyed what I did. And thanks to the dandelions, it looks like I need to mow again already.

I took the boys to the vet on Saturday morning. Rabies shots and a check over.

Bode was a PERFECT little gentleman! I was rather amazed. I thought he’d be a typical 3 1/2 year old and be all over the place. Nope. Laid down and behaved.

Jegs? he did OK too. He was NOT happy to have his paw touched but now I know why that thing isn’t healing. Apparently being a ‘farm dog’ (meaning he can be in a corn field) can be somewhat dangerous to their feet. He has something jammed up between his ‘pinky and ring’ toes on his left foot. So on May 24th, my baby goes in for another surgery.

Free dog my ass. He’s cost me close to $5K now. But I love him to bits and back. He’s Mom’s protector and he sleeps with me or in front of Earn’s door to protect her every night. I’ll do what I have to for him. He’s the best dog.

It’s pouring rain right now, so tonight, I’ll plant my trees. The ground will be softened up and I can dig my holes like I need with little difficulty.

I had grandson #6 at my house Saturday night. We had fun as usual. He needed to go Mommy’s day shopping. So we all went. He picked out a beautiful watering pail of posies for his Mommy. He was pleased with himself.

Before we headed shopping, we spent some time at Fun Days. Both of us got painted!! Nonna and Lennox painted up.jpg
He was so proud of that! heh heh heh….he is such a fun little man.  Lennox taking up all of Nonnas bed.jpeg
Except when he takes up all of Nonna’s bed. He was sleeping side to side here not head to foot. *sigh* Didn’t leave Nonna much room. He’s getting to be a tall boy.

Our conversation the next morning.
Nonna: Well young man? Are you ready to go find Mommy?
Lennox: um, no.

Well, Ok then.

It was a good weekend.

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Just some funnies I found…from 2004

Happy Hour In South Carolina: A redneck is driving down a back road in South Carolina.
A sign in front of a restaurant  reads:


HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer


“Lord almighty,” he says to himself, “my three favorite things!!”

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Rules of the Midwest
A message from the rural Midwest: Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, Montana, North Dakota, and South Dakota; those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help
outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It’s called a ‘gravel road.’ No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped… by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flat head catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for: Bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. You say that you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks–because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too–and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it?  Interstates 70, 80, &90 go two ways-Interstates 29 &35 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot…his name is “Sir”…no matter how old he is. Now, enjoy your visit.

 

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 A dog is truly a man’s best friend. 

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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To the powerful women in my life  – Keep the faith!!!
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says…
‘Oh shit…she’s awake!!
Posted in Me

I think I made him speechless!

I’m texting with AW when he told me he’s not happy about some crap going on over there. So was trying to think of a way to put a smile on his face when a thought popped into my head.

Ya, it hurt but moving on…..

I asked him if he wanted to see something AWESOME!!

Ok, he said, show me.

So I sent him this photo……with the caption SWEET!!

Ford Tonka Truck

He went silent.

I asked ‘are you laughing now?’

nothing

You thought it would be something girly, didn’t you?

nothing

Dang! you fainted??

nothing.

You are laughing too hard to type???

FINALLY I get ‘LMAO!’

Guess I’m not so girly girl as he thought!!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahahah!!

Today I leave you with the following:

what-makes-you-happy-does-not-require-approval

Posted in Me

Tuesday night is ‘visit me in the shower’ night now??

Yeah…he came to me again last night. Not nearly as intense as last week but he was there.

nick-saying-something-most-likely-entirely-inappropriate
We ‘talked’ again. It was a lot easier to deal with it because I half expected him to show up again. Something just tells me Tuesday night showers will be our time to talk. And I’ll get used to it. I couldn’t see or feel him like last week but he was there.

I’m all of a sudden antsy to get the truck out. I feel the need to drive it. And in talking to AW, just realized…..I don’t have a photo of me in that truck. I’ll have to remedy that later!Cullan Papa Truck up close
This is grandson Cullan. (Papa’s in there too.) He had gotten his driver’s license 2 days prior to this photo. His birthday present from Papa and I was for him to DRIVE Papa’s truck. He was OVER the moon! So excited to drive it and not kill it because it’s an old truck, 5 speed tranny in it and he had never gotten to drive it before. He and Papa were gone for almost a half hour. Cullan was grinning from ear to ear.

He drove this truck again just 2 weeks later.

Nick's truck during funeral
Yes, that is Nick in his casket in the back of his truck. He told us over and over again. “I’ll be God Damned if I take my final ride in a GM product so make sure I am in my truck.” He told a LOT of people that and I made sure it happened. And I made sure Cullan could drive it. His dad (my son) and brother rode with him in the truck. My son ended up taking the truck the last bit up to the graveside, but Cullan did just fine on the rest of it. That last 200′ was uphill on grass and difficult.

I was so proud of him. He did an excellent job.

Hmmmmmmm how did this post turn from visiting me in the shower to driving his truck? See? He’s in my head!!  And I am grateful for that.

Now, let’s see what happens next Tuesday night.

And no, I am not allowing ‘ringside’ seats.

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