Talk about HIT ME hard……

Yesterday was a day I had been dreading for months.

People who have not suffered the loss of a spouse do not know what kind of things the surviving one has to go through. (and I say spouse only for this story. You all know I mean a spouse/SO/better half/pick a term.)

please-dont-judge

It’s not just the death and the funeral and the hot dishes and cakes and the endless ‘how are you doing?’ How am I SUPPOSED to be doing? I’m breathing, albeit not easily some days, I’m going to work, I’m eating, I go to bed at night (notice I didn’t say sleeping) I have wants, needs, and desires I’m scared to do something about………….any other questions? Want to get more personal? Come on over, we’ll open a bottle of wine or six.

It’s also putting everything in YOUR name now because of the will and what the other half owned or you owned jointly. The house, the cars, the STUFF! Dealing with ‘The stuff’ they have left behind.

Yesterday was the day the plates were due on the truck.

truck out last night

No big deal right? You go online or to the DMV, renew your plates and you don’t think about it.

You all just take your little reminder postcard that comes in the mail, go online, renew, they mail you your sticker and registration, and you avoid the stupid lines at the DMV right?  Right?  Right. That is how I do it and I save myself an hour every time I have to do this. It costs me $1.75 convenience fee and I feel I am worth more than that. Yes, I am. Stop it. Be nice. oh pffffffffffffft.

So try it. You might like it. Sometimes the computer makes life SO much easier.

The plates were due May 31, 2017 on the truck. THE Truck. THE. No longer Nick’s truck. He is gone. Not MY truck because to me that is ONE more thing to slam into me, remind me that the love of my life is gone. It will always be HIS truck. But we will now call it THE truck.

I cannot take that little postcard and go online to renew it because THE truck is in Nick’s name. Not mine. Although legally it is now mine.

I go to the DMV, get my wait in a chair #I558 and … I wait. Just after I sit to start my wait, I think every 16 year old in the Metro area came in to get their license. The line went out the DOOR. I think I sat there for 20 minutes or more before I heard “Now helping #I558 at Counter 4”

Nick in the truck.jpg

I go to the counter and she asks what she can help me with today so I tell her about renewing the plates, however I need to change the title to my name as my husband had passed away. I ask the nice lady there if I need the marriage certificate, the death certificate and the will. Because I brought them along. ‘No’ she says pleasantly, ‘but you know if you hadn’t brought them? I probably would have needed them.’ and she smiled at me. I relaxed. We did our paperwork, switched the title to my name signing as “Surviving Spouse”, handed the nice lady $151, she handed me my new plate tag, and the new title with my name on it and “I’m so sorry for your loss,” she tells me. I look at that title and I didn’t even make it out the door before I started leaking, then spent 10 minutes in the parking lot in my Edge trying to breathe and cry at the same time.

It’s not that easy to do. You either breathe or you cry. Things like this don’t always allow you to do both. I really did NOT expect this to hit me this hard. But it did. And I spent most of my evening trying to breathe.

all i did today was breathe

I went to my friend’s house to say good bye to his dog. (THAT didn’t help my breathing thing either) I took THE truck up as he planned on getting my brake lights back. And tail lights, and tach. You know that’s a lot of t’s. If it has tires or testicles, yer gonna have trouble with it. See? More t’s. Anyway, he shows me where he buried Gilb and we talk a bit, head back to the house and Louie comes to say hello. He is always so excited to see me and promptly wraps his leash around my left leg. My bad leg/hip. And about knocks me on my ass twisting it. Oh, that’s gonna hurt. And it did.

We go in the house and have a glass of wine and talk about Gilbert and how Louie is doing without his buddy. By the time we get to THE truck, it’s dark out. I’m thinking ‘crap’ I hope I have HEADLIGHTS!!

Anyway, he finds the wires mice have used as picnic fodder, splices them together, and I HAVE BRAKE LIGHTS AGAIN!! I have a LIGHT in the tach but it is still not moving. That can be for another day. I have my Garmin for my speedometer.

Oh, yes, I have headlights. On bright. With the dimmer switch hiding. Under the carpet? Really  Nick? *sigh* And I head home. I get in the living room and sit to text him to let him know I got home OK when the girls come downstairs with “We are going to a party Mom!” OK, drive safe, be safe and be quiet when you come in! (They were. NEVER heard them!!) She is so beautiful. I am going to MISS her so.

Earn Nov

I went to bed and promptly became unable to breathe again. Alex calls and I cannot even talk to him. He already knew what was going on as I had text him before he called about it. He understands as he lost his wife to cancer. He is just further along on this journey than I am. This is just one of those things where he couldn’t comfort me either. Just cry it out. Let it happen because God knows you cannot stop it. Just get it out, cry it out, and be done with it.

sometimes you just have to let the day win

I slept on and off all night and awoke this morning to something different in my left hip. Less pain, easier to walk.

Maybe I should go have Louie hurt me more often!

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5 Responses to Talk about HIT ME hard……

  1. A Perfectmindstorm says:

    Nothing I could say would make it better, but I am hugging you from way down yonder . ♥♥♥

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dewy says:

    I’m up so it’s nearly the end of the day for you. Hope tomorrow is a great day. One day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ronda says:

    Liked by 1 person

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