…..when you see me now? Do I look like a widow? Do I look different from when Nick was here? Do I look like I’m dying inside? Do my smiles look fake and forced? My hair looks pretty good tho huh?? *snortz*
It hit me this morning as I thought of going to see my friend Rich after he had a stroke. Why I was thinking of that, I have no clue. But I walked in there that day thinking……I don’t know how to put it into words so I’m just going to wing it OK? These are the thoughts that went thru my head. And I’ll tell you that the thoughts that go through your mind are STRANGE and not like you normally think and when it’s done, you think omg where did THAT come from…..??
My thinking: “Wow. Rich looks great for just having had a stroke. I wish Nick was with me to see how good he looks. I wonder what Rich thinks seeing me walk in alone? He and Nick got on like a house afire. I wonder what Rich thinks about Nick being gone….He didn’t come to the wake or the funeral but then I knew he wouldn’t. It’s hard to see a friend no longer here. Did he think of how he is surviving cancer and Nick didn’t? Would he like to talk about Nick and is worried about what I’ll say? or think? I wish he knew he can ask me anything. We can grieve together for his friend.”
Many more thoughts flit through my brain when I think of Rich and Val. I hope he knows how much Nick cared for him. For both of them. As do I.
I look at Nick’s photos and STILL think how can a man that vibrant and alive and wonderful be gone? I think this will boggle my mind forever.
God I have to get rid of that shirt. That is actually my ARM but makes me look … UGH! Anyway, I was driving THE truck with the windows down, my hair is blowing all over, and Jegs was with me. All I need a tunes BLASTING through some speakers. hmmmmmmmmmm there’s another project.
I was happy.
I think we need to take an adventure the two of us. Jegs and I. Camping soon. Ya. That’s an idea. Wonder where my tents are? I moved the sleeping bags out of the way last night, I know where the air mattress is …. Hope that blows up via the cigarette lighter in the truck. My first free weekend I’m heading to Millston. Yup. Oh, I haven’t been camping in ages. This will be interesting!!! Poor Bohdi…he can’t go with. Too much of a puppy yet and I can’t handle that right now. He can bounce around at home all he wants and it’s not so annoying. Out in public, he would drive me nuts. Short trip. I know. Shush.
Back to the original thought of this blog.
How do you see me now? Am I the same person I was a year ago?
No. I’m different.
I’m different because I’m not a happily married woman anymore.
I’m a widow.
And it’s on to the next chapter in my life…whatever it is.