What do you see….

…..when you see me now? Do I look like a widow? Do I look different from when Nick was here? Do I look like I’m dying inside? Do my smiles look fake and forced? My hair looks pretty good tho huh?? *snortz*

boo easter 2017.jpeg

It hit me this morning as I thought of going to see my friend Rich after he had a stroke. Why I was thinking of that, I have no clue. But I walked in there that day thinking……I don’t know how to put it into words so I’m just going to wing it OK? These are the thoughts that went thru my head. And I’ll tell you that the thoughts that go through your mind are STRANGE and not like you normally think and when it’s done, you think omg where did THAT come from…..??

My thinking: “Wow. Rich looks great for just having had a stroke. I wish Nick was with me to see how good he looks. I wonder what Rich thinks seeing me walk in alone? He and Nick got on like a house afire. I wonder what Rich thinks about Nick being gone….He didn’t come to the wake or the funeral but then I knew he wouldn’t. It’s hard to see a friend no longer here. Did he think of how he is surviving cancer and Nick didn’t? Would he like to talk about Nick and is worried about what I’ll say? or think? I wish he knew he can ask me anything. We can grieve together for his friend.”

Many more thoughts flit through my brain when I think of Rich and Val. I hope he knows how much Nick cared for him. For both of them. As do I.

I look at Nick’s photos and STILL think how can a man that vibrant and alive and wonderful be gone? I think this will boggle my mind forever.

Boo driving the truck 632017

God I have to get rid of that shirt. That is actually my ARM but makes me look … UGH! Anyway, I was driving THE truck with the windows down, my hair is blowing all over, and Jegs was with me. All I need a tunes BLASTING through some speakers. hmmmmmmmmmm there’s another project.

Anyway.

I was happy.

I think we need to take an adventure the two of us. Jegs and I. Camping soon. Ya. That’s an idea. Wonder where my tents are? I moved the sleeping bags out of the way last night, I know where the air mattress is …. Hope that blows up via the cigarette lighter in the truck. My first free weekend I’m heading to Millston. Yup. Oh, I haven’t been camping in ages. This will be interesting!!! Poor Bohdi…he can’t go with. Too much of a puppy yet and I can’t handle that right now. He can bounce around at home all he wants and it’s not so annoying. Out in public, he would drive me nuts. Short trip. I know. Shush.

Back to the original thought of this blog.

How do you see me now? Am I the same person I was a year ago?

you-dont-know-this-new-me-i-put-my-parts-back-together-differently

No. I’m different.

I’m different because I’m not a happily married woman anymore.

I’m a widow.

And it’s on to the next chapter in my life…whatever it is.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Me. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to What do you see….

  1. A Perfectmindstorm says:

    I’ve never met you in person of course, but I have read you for a few years now. What I see is a strong and beautiful woman who is doing her best to keep on living. I think the smile in the one where your hair is blowing looks mighty genuine 🙂 . Losing a loved one changes people, and I imagine losing your other half really changes a person, but it doesn’t have to be for the worse and I don’t think you will let it be for the worse !!
    My cousin who just happened to be named Rich had a stroke last year . A couple of weeks later my aunt, his mom, passed away so while I was up for the funeral, I stopped in to see Rich. I really didn’t know what to say to him as he was not able to communicate, but my brother and I just talked to him about when we were kids and all the stupid mischief we got into and he broke out in the biggest smile, so it was worth it and I am glad I went.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boo says:

      The smile that lit up Rich’s face that day made it worth walking back into a hospital. I was nervous doing that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A Perfectmindstorm says:

        But you know, you DID walk back into the hospital and that is yet one more hurdle you jumped over. Just keep going girl ♥♥

        Liked by 1 person

      • Boo says:

        I’ve had to walk into hospitals several times now and each time I get just …. I can’t describe. Nervous? Sad? Angry? Apprehensive? Flashbacks? It’s not good … yet.

        Like

  2. Dewy says:

    Love the hair 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ronda says:

    ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Val Ewing says:

    What did Rich think? Not a lot as he was confused as to why he was in the hospital.
    He was afraid I was going to leave him in a strange place.
    The man he was, is no longer here with me. He is here/not here.
    I am glad you got to see him though and happy you got to see him, though sorry it was so hard for you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s