Our last photo together

Last photo

One year ago, July 27, 2016. His best friend, Joe, is holding me up. Or was I holding him up? Or maybe it was mutual. I don’t recall.  I just know we were both hurting, pretty bad.

I will be forever grateful to my friend Tom for taking photos of the funeral. That day is pretty blurry for me. To have these photos brings it back so I remember. I don’t want to ever forget.

I miss him so.

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The day before….

I think this was the day I met with the pastor about the service. Everything is such a blurrrrrr….

Then I get to work today and realize I’m wearing the same top I wore to the funeral a year ago today (Wednesday) but the date was July 27th.

I read back through some emails to remind me what I did. I guess I wasn’t on the computer.

I do remember sitting on the futon a lot, looking out that window. Just staring….at nothing but my lawn. For hours.

side lawn

Like my life would be for months. Nothing. Nothing but existing. Not living.

all is well.jpg


lillies opened more 1

These lilies are blooming right now and smell AMAZING. The plant is like 6′ tall and has SO many blooms on it again. I sat out on my front platform just smelling it last night.

It was a beautiful, warm, calm night with just a slight breeze. It just felt so good on my skin. Tonight I may sit on my balcony and enjoy it again.

I’m coming alive again people.

It feels good.

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This was Monday last year….

I don’t even remember what I did. All I do know is that I posted his obit on here. Maybe I went up and picked out his plot.

Which wasn’t where his BROTHER thought it should be.


I thought it was perfect there. Where NICK wanted to be. Not where his brother wanted him to be. That big tree to the left? Came from a seed brought over from Germany/Norway/Sweden. All the bigger trees there are from those seeds. THAT is why Nick wanted to be in ‘the old part’ of the cemetery. Trees and shade and just pretty. Not a field converted with no trees.

The person in this photo is my daughter. She misses her ‘Dad’. She thinks of him as Dad. He raised her with me from age 6. Nick was to walk her down the aisle for her wedding. He missed it by 7 weeks. She misses him a lot, too. Her son wants to go to Cancer and wake up Papa. He loved Papa. Those two were buds.

So a year ago this Thursday was the funeral.  I wonder how I’ll feel that day.

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So….my weekend…

…………ended up being better than I had hoped.

Friday night my friend Kevin had to deliver some parts to Plover. When he goes to Plover? I go with. Golden Corral. LOVE that place. I was pretty careful on what I ate except for two of the Yeast Rolls. I’ve been denying myself bread for a bit so I decided I could ‘afford’ to do two of them. They are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good.

Saturday….The one year anniversary. I was to meet people at the old station by the interstate bridge. Well, the truck had other ideas. All this rain …? There was water in the gas tank. 3 cans of Heat and Sea Foam didn’t do it. When we finally got to the station, we were almost an hour late. Kevin back flushed crap out of the fuel filter. And away we went! With all the time we lost, it gave 3 grandsons (2 real, one foster) time to meet up with us.

Nicks headstone.jpeg

We were headed to the cemetery. It was a good visit. I did OK till I sent everyone but my two oldest grandsons back to the cars. The 3 of us stood there and talked a bit. Those two boys are so good. I just love them to bits.

They came back to Nonna’s house with me and we had some fun talking. Cullan got to go drive Kevin’s Mustang. The others lost golf balls for a while. Luckily they found them all. It was a good day.

They helped load tables and chairs in the van then they left for Winona while Kevin and I headed to my folks with all the stuff. We went out for supper with Mom, Dad and brother. Then out to the farm to unload, then back home.

Sunday it was up to Bob’s to make zucchini relish. Smelled SO good but with red peppers in it, that is out for me.

It turned out to be a relaxing weekend. Something I enjoyed and needed.

And for two people who are not dating….Kevin and I spend a LOT of time together! His friendship means the world to me.

And I think it keeps me somewhat sane.

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The end

My soulmate, my other half, my man, my lover, husband and friend.


His eyes were half open. I closed them and kissed them. Knowing I would never watch those beautiful blues turn to charcoal from passion again. I rubbed his cheek, just looking at him. Knowing it wouldn’t be long before I could never see his face again. His middle sister and I sat on the couch. Just looking at him. Talking. Mourning.

I went up the stairs to waken my oldest grandson.  He knew the second I woke him.

No Gramma.

Yes, love.

We just laid there … thinking and mourning.


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One year ago……

…this morning, I awakened to an empty house. They had taken Nick about 4am. The hospice nurse had left. Jegs and Sprint had gone to a friend’s house.

I felt that same emptiness this morning when I woke up.

The date was July 22nd. The day was Friday.

People got up, dressed, ate breakfast, and went to work like it was any other day.

For them.

Their world didn’t stop.

Mine did.

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The beginning of the end……

Thursday morning I carried him to the bathroom. There was no walking. He shuffled along side me best he could. I carried him back to the bed.

He never moved under his own power again.

The child showed up.

“Gee Dad! Yer so skinny! You look AWFUL!!”

(Get the FUCK outta my house!! And stay out you inconsiderate POS. He’s been this way for 8 months. So smart of you to notice in all that time!)

I called his brother in Red Wing. “I think you should come down.”

‘Oh I spose I can spare a couple hours.’

Knock yerself out.

His family showed up, his other brother didn’t bother to hide how he was casing my house for the stuff he wanted (This is the brother that threatened to “Bring a shitload of lawyers up here and clean OUT this place!!”), they all sat out on the screen porch, not in the living room with Nick. (none of them noticing there were NO photos of Nick and the child anywhere. I didn’t have any to put out at the wake.) My children and grandchildren sat with me by Nick.

Several times, I would lean over him and tell him I love you. I could barely hear his I love you but it was there.

When 10:30pm rolled around, I finally kicked them all out. Two of his sisters stayed, the sis in law thought she would too. I said no. Her husband cased my house, I didn’t need anything disappearing. THAT is how they made me feel.

I laid on the couch, giving him Morphine every 1/2 hour. Youngest sister said she would take over about 12:30pm so I could get some sleep. My fit bit tells me I slept 1 hour and 12 minutes before she woke me saying “I think it’s getting close.”

I went to him in the bed under the big window where he wanted to be….I held his face in my hands and said “I love you. It’s OK to go. I love you.”

And he was gone.

Just like that.


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I remember thinking….

Nick at Cross Falls

….about this time a year ago, ‘I HAVE to be at home!’ Just an overwhelming feeling of ‘I need to be THERE. Not here at work!’

I sent off some emails to my CEO and branch manager telling them “I need be home. I just can’t shake this feeling.’

“Go home. Be with Nick. Do what you have to do.”

So I did.

Wednesday . . . I got home about 1pm to find the child there. “Aren’t you sposed to be at work?” (Get the FUCK outta my house you worthless little twit. You, who left your father on the floor of the bathroom gasping in pain while you play on your damn phone. Get OUT!}

(I hated having that child at my house. He was and still is beyond rude. Whatever. He’s out of my life now. No longer my monkey or in my circus….THEY get to deal with him now. GOOD LUCK!!!)

The child left when I told Nick, who looked EXHAUSTED, he should crawl into bed and nap for a bit. That child wore him out with stupidity. I tucked Nick in and he slept 4 hours.

nick wed morning

Wednesday night, our friends came over and Nick signed his will. His handwriting had gone from perfectly readable to like a child’s. He would start writing and then it was like his muscles would quit. When we were done his legs would do the same walking back into the house. (I liken it to that toy we used to have as children. A dog or a clown or a bird standing upright, until you pushed the bottom of the base in and the tension would go out of the strings. It was unnerving.) We all sat around talking for a long while after and Nick was perfectly normal mentally. We actually had a pretty good time – considering. Everyone started leaving and Nick couldn’t get up from his chair well. I already knew I’d be carrying him back into the house. We did a good job of hiding how bad it was from everyone. I got him to the recliner in the living room. And he sat there for an hour before we headed to bed. He tried to go by himself and almost fell 5 times between the recliner and bed.

“What is going ON??” he kept asking me.

How does one answer that?

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Last night…………….

………10pm and it was time for Bohdi to go to bed…I headed out to kennel him, but it was too dark, so I grabbed a flashlight and started walking down the driveway to the garage.

My light reflected off the bumper and grill and illuminated The Truck.

Galesville July 4 show

I lost it.

I put Bod away then I went and crawled in The Truck.

I sat there for 30 minutes, tears just rolling. Talking to Nick, missing him, missing his touch. By the time I crawled back out, I was much calmer and felt better.

The memories of this time a year ago are vivid.

And painful.

But healing.

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