I’m struggling…..

…………still. A year later. Almost 3 years after the start……

be kind
I knew this month would be difficult. What I didn’t realize was how difficult. I’m struggling not only with the year anniversary, but with friends not understanding I don’t want to be with them (vivid reminders of Nick),with doing things away from home that are scaring me, and with trying to get a new relationship up and running,(not that maybe I am even ready for that yet.) Which is difficult to do since he is on a job and not here. But that is my problem to deal with as best I can. He and I talk almost every day. He didn’t know Nick. I didn’t know his wife. So I think that is the best fresh start for me.

I don’t like being alone ALL the time. I do find I enjoy it SOME of the time.

all i did today was breathe
And some days all I DO is breathe. Last night in the shower, again a conversation with Nick. I so need him here right now. I have some new health issues I really want him here to help me deal with. I find it unfair (logical, right?) that I have to deal with them on my own. I helped him, he should be here to help me. (still logical, right?)

sometimes the strongest women
I don’t let people know everything I deal with. There are a LOT of nights yet today, that I cry myself to sleep, into exhaustion, to oblivion, just so I can sleep.

This guy is one of them. I see HIS photo and it’s like Nick. I just saw him just last October and by this May he was gone. I just cannot wrap my head around him being gone.

I just can’t. ANOTHER vibrant, fun soul….gone. Just a phone call from him and my day would brighten RIGHT up. I wish I could go to Brian’s grave and talk to him. I can’t.

please-dont-judge                                       There are days I doubt I even knew Nick. It’s too surreal.

And yet I go to his grave and it hits me anew.

Always will.


About Boo

Grandmother to 10....no 11....or is it 12 now? Getting back into life after losing the love of my life to cancer. Read my struggles with daily life........or don't. But I hope it helps ONE person get thru the same thing I went thru......
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6 Responses to I’m struggling…..

  1. Ronda says:

    ❤ ❤ ❤ Hugssssss ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Christine says:

    This walk is a stumble
    Each step I trip
    Over heartache
    Of memories and wants
    Knowing yet remembering
    Each klutzy moment
    Brings a fresh memory
    As a whisper
    A Breath of the psst
    My future is before me
    My past clings
    Causing another stumble
    Yet I rise

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A Perfectmindstorm says:

    Ahhh Boo, I wish I knew what to say or how to help, but I don’t. I hope it will get better for you soon. Hugssss

    Liked by 1 person

    • Boo says:

      It will get better. It is anniversary time so I’m reliving a lot of a year ago. Just keep sending hugs. And a plane ticket. A plane ticket would be good too…..

      Liked by 1 person

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