I do keep ‘making it through’….

….but to what end? I feel as if I am existing, not living. And when I try to do something fun, it seems one person or another in my life gets upset. Why? I keep saying this is MY journey to do MY way.

So instead, here I am. Still alone. Still …………. missing him.  Which, of course, will be for the rest of my life.  He was a force in my life.

It’s been over a year now. I expected missing him to soften with time….it seems like it some days and other days it still hits me like a truck.

My parents are selling the home farm. The home where my dad was born (upstairs) and raised. Where I grew up. Where I have a lot of memories.  It’s difficult to think of not being able to go ‘home’ for the holidays.

In packing things up, a whole box of photos appeared. Hmmmmmmm I found some good ones.

No, his arms were not that hairy, just a black blur on the photo. But here is the smile I miss so much. His eyes always lit up when he smiled. The stained glass door in the photo is from the house we lived in on the ridge. It melted and burned in the fire. I wish they could have taken it off and kept it. That house was built in 1888.

As I dig out more, I will share them. All of them have made me smile, some have made me go “where the hell was THAT taken??” but they have all brought back good memories…..

Then there is this photo….June 2002. I look so young. And thin. And I really LIKE this picture. Even I think I look sexy!! oh dear….that’s scary….

*toddles off to take a cold shower………………….*

Welcome to my ….

……little corner of the institution……all that is missing are the padded walls.

I started this blog to keep track of things, feelings and concerns where Nick’s cancer journey was concerned. Writing things down can get them off the train that goes around and around in my head. They are in a safe place where I can access them and I don’t have to worry about them getting lost in all the memories.

I can’t say I didn’t expect it to include my journey through recovery after losing him.

I think I knew from Oct 22nd that we would not grow old together. Gastric Cancer….not something one comes back from easily if at all.

I have to come to terms with losing him. I thought I was doing well, but the longer he is gone, the worse I seem to be getting.

I have people telling me I need to get out there. To date. To let happen …. whatever happens.

SO much easier said than done. I’ve gone on dates. They’ve ended with a kiss good night and never heard from again. Man – THERE’S  a boost to the self confidence!

I actually dated a guy for a bit here. We had a BLAST everywhere we went, in everything we did. And he is more important to me as my dear friend. I was afraid of losing his friendship if the relationship went south. So I broke it off. We still go out. As friends. We spend a lot of time together. His family…I love them all dearly. They helped me through a VERY rough time. They mean the world to me.

So this is where I am at now. Trying to figure out how to not lose it when I think of Nick. I have taken most of his photos home from my work desk. I have moved a lot of his photos upstairs along the hallway.

I don’t want him gone. I just want to not miss him to the point of being knocked to my knees every time I think of him. I want to move on to someone new. I want to be happy….

…..and at peace.

being me……………..

I had an interesting conversation with a friend last night. We were talking about how it feels like Nick is trying to tell me something. He’s been on my mind heavy. I’m having a hard time sleeping … it’s when the ghosts and thoughts invade.

I told my friend I wish I could understand what Nick wanted.

He told me, “He doesn’t anything. Nick is at peace, you are the one who isn’t.”

I have to figure out how to be at peace. I thought I was getting there. But it’s getting worse.  I thought California and Italy helped…………now I’m not so sure.

Maybe I just need to ride a bike.

So S***head wanted to see Booboosoo’s owie….

Before you think you can laugh at the Booboosoo/Sh**head show….first realize where THIS booboo came from.

This is Capo Testa, Sardinia, Italy. Those taller rocks are the size of a small house, some are the size of cars. The third photo helps give you a bit of perspective.

Yes, I hiked through them. It was FREAKIN’ AMAZING!!! I am beyond proud of myself for making the hike.

Toward the left side of this next photo is where we jumped about 6 or 8′ off into the Mediterranean Sea. Warm, wonderfully refreshing, bracing, awesome, SALTY!!!

Getting back UP out of the water was NOT nearly as easy as just jumping in.  The waves would shove you against the granite but also lift you a bit to get up on a stepping rock…..But since this was my first time trying, it was a bit of a challenge.

So I ended up trying to grab with my knee, scraped down the rock and fell back in. Not only fell back in but was pulled into the mouth of a small alcove. Those are not good because the waves will then beat you against the rock and maim you if not drown you.

My left leg got some on the back of my calf too, but not as bad as this. This one ended up sunburned on top of the scratching. They said to keep swimming with it as the salt water would cleanse it. And did it ever….salt water in a wound? Worked like a CHARM!!!

Even this did NOTHING to dampen my enthusiasm, my joy, my contentment, my fun, my LOVE for the time I spent doing everything on this beautiful island.

I will be going back.

Sunsets, Moonrise, and Me

Sunday night, seeing this ……. I felt welcomed home.

This was the moon rise on my first night on the Island of Sardinia. How romantic can it get??

This is a sunset from one of my first evenings there. The colors were so vibrant… The town on the island you see in the middle? Is where my new daughter (exchange student) and her family have a summer home.

This was the view from the dining table patio. It was beyond stunning.

Only a few nights there……..do I look happy and relaxed?

I can’t wait to get back there.

Controversial Content…

I miss…………..

That’s all I have today.

Italy – August 2017

Where do I begin to describe this beautiful country?

My first student, Matteo, of whom I have blogged before. My lifeline when Nick became ill. And Marghe, my newest student. I love that they got to meet. My two good looking kids from Italy.

After we all met, Matteo and I went to the … um…. beach? The sand pebbles are REALLY large here!! The ones on each side and to the rear were about the size of a HOUSE. Climbing through these was amazing to me. I DID IT!!

And we got to here, where we jumped off these rocks into that clear, blue, BLUE, water….so refreshing and bracing and COOL till you got used to it. Then it was beyond wonderful!!

This is where we were ‘camped out’ while swimming. These rocks, as you can see, are HUGE!

Trying to get back out of the water onto said rock……well as Marghe’s father said “Granite of Sardinia claims another victim.” I had to laugh. It hurt pretty good at first. And during each dip in the salty Mediterranean hurt like crazy…but it cleansed it and today? Almost healed.

This is a tomb. There are approximately 7,000 Nuraghe on Sardinia. I’ve c/p the link to Wiki for info on them. They were amazing…..!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuraghe

Even in that heat!!

Matteo and I in front of the largest building in a village. Underground water system, the buildings of rock were just…………if you EVER get to the Island of Sardinia…GO see these. They are just ……………..amazing.

Our last day together. I had such a wonderful, healing, rejuvenating, refreshing, fun, (keeps listing adjectives) time. 11 days of ………..(see above)

My Italian son is such a great young man. I love spending time with him and talking with him.

I am so proud to know him.

Thank you for the best vacation EVER!!

Love from your worst language student ever…..

An update on my beautiful blonde boy….

Yesterday my Bohdi went to the vet for a camera down his throat. As if THAT wouldn’t bring back some awful memories and major apprehension as to what they would find…..

His adenoids were swollen and his palette ‘elongated’  so Doc removed the adenoids and shortened the palette. He’s on NO ACTIVITY for a couple days. Tonight he finally gets to eat again. I have to soften his food. But he was really drugged up last night as he just sat and looked at me or curled up at my feet.

He’s worth the almost $800 I already have into him.

He’s smart, beautiful, funny, and Jegs loves him.

Even the cat gave him kisses last night.

Wow

 

Starting my second year….

The last few weeks have been difficult. I seem to be feeling the same sense of loss I had a year ago….stumbling thru my days in a haze of memories, fear, and loss. I see him everywhere, in the garage, in the basement, in our bed; hearing his voice saying something inappropriate or I love you, or holding his face in my hands kissing him, loving him.

I sit on the couch where I sat next to him in the hospital bed. I can see him laying there. Gasping for air as his body shuts down. So thin I was amazed he was alive as long as he was.  I think that is burned into my memory for all time. And I wouldn’t give up the honor of being there with him as he breathed his last for all the money in the world.

Every time I would go with him to chemo, I would take a photo like this. Just our legs. I watched his get thinner and thinner.

This is the final one. Taken mid afternoon. This was as close to him as I could get. I wish now I would have just crawled in bed with him. And held him.

This past few weeks have shown me I have a long way to go with my healing.  As I sit here writing this, tears are trying to run down my cheeks.  Before the anniversary, I could write things and do OK. But not so these last few weeks. I hope I can get back on my feet again…. and soon.

I leave tomorrow morning for Italy for 11 days. I really need this time away from everyone and everything and just ‘be’. To think. To enjoy. To cry. To mourn. To just ‘be’.

And I thank my wonderful son Matteo’s family for this opportunity. I love them more than they know.

Well…..My horrorscope says….

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21

Others are eager to hear what you have to say, and they certainly want to see what you will do next, but you may not be ready just yet.

They certainly would be surprised what I did last night.

I’ve mentioned before that I am ‘waking up’ and finally finding the wherewithal to get things done around my house and yard.

So last night, instead of transplanting trees in the mud, I decided I would start getting the door ready for my balcony so my son could install it. It has a beautiful etched glass window in it. But the bottom of it needs some serious help. Around the top, varnish has bubbled up and needs to be removed.

I was planning on just sanding it down and coating it with polyurethane. But on closer inspection, I see I will need to strip this side of it. The ‘inside’ is OK. Just needs a good cleaning. So I found my sander, hauled the door out to the garage, got the door in and set up, and looked around.

Mistake.

I am surrounded by memories, things, stuff, tools, lawn mowers, engines….and there are his coveralls. And they smell like him. It’s already a cold, dreary, rainy kind of day so my mood wasn’t the best anyway.

I lost it.

Seriously lost it. Unable to breathe kind of losing it.

Crying, moaning and finally letting out the scream that has been building for almost 3 years.

Not so sure I like this waking up stuff. I think I want to go back to being numb.

Can I do that now?