I am not sure I have a real clear idea which of these three is happening. I do know Nick’s death has not destroyed me. It almost did. I know I didn’t want to live for a while. Even with the friends who were there almost every day.
I don’t know if it has defined me as I was me before I met him. He just brought out more of the best in me.
Strengthen? Maybe this is it. I take a lot longer to think things through than before. I more easily stand my ground. It’s taken a while but things are finally getting done. I don’t let things bother me as long because God knows, there are worse things out there…like the death of your spouse. Who did what to who and when? Who cares???
My inner demons. Letting thoughts of Nick overtake my day. Sometimes the day wins. Sometimes I do. But it’s finally getting to where I do more now. I feel I am as my kitchen is clean. My basement is getting straightened out and house looks so much better. It’s no where near perfect yet, but I’m getting more comfortable in it.
I am who I am. Love me or leave me alone. Enjoy your time with me or stay home. I make no claims on anyone and no one has a claim on me. I am beginning to really like being by myself at night. And when I decide I don’t want to be…………..well………..so be it.
Do you see this in my face? Do you see the love I had for Nick and the laughter we shared? Do you see the pain of losing him in my eyes or has that faded some now? The tears still come. At the drop of a hat. But they are not tears of despair and pain. They are tears of a love lost that I am coming to terms with.
My year of firsts is now over.
Let the rest of my life begin.